[Joke Compilations] Friday Humour

[ from Steve at Bluehaze ]

Lots of quality contributions this week. Some of the videos are truly first
class. It was hard picking a favourite.

There were so many this week I had to be ruthless in chopping those we have
seen before. These should all be new, to even the longest subscribed of
you.

A couple of contributors missed the deadline for Australia Day, but they
made this issue instead. Better late than never. Remember that the package
that becomes Friday Humour each week is compiled for editing early
Wednesday mornings, so to be in for inclusion on any given Friday, it has
to reach us before Tuesday midnight.

My favourite this week is from Allnutts. I don't think I have a sufficient
level of trust (or blood alcohol content)...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070129_giant_sling_shot.wmv

And now on to the joke bits ...

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From Cartographer Chris

One day a horse and a chicken were playing in a field when the horse slips
and falls into a mud pool, sinking fast the horse yells to the chicken to
go and get help.

The chicken rushes off to the farm to get help but can't find anyone. So he
hot-wires the farmers BMW, drives down to the mud pool,
ties a rope to the bumper and throws the other end to his buddy the horse
and drags him out of the mud.

A couple of days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow
when the chicken falls in the mud pool.

The chicken clucked for the horse to go and get the farmer but instead the
horse straddled the pool and told the chicken to grab his dick, he then
pulled his mate out of the mud.

The moral of this story?

If you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pull chicks.....

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From Moose

Listen to Nonna

A young Italian girl, Maria, was going on a date.

He(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb r Nonna said:
"Sita here-Maria ana letame tella you about those-a young-a boys. He's
agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do
dat. He's agonna try ana kiss you breasts, you are agonna likea dat too,
but don'ta let him do dat. But most important,
he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta
let him do dat. Doing thata willa disgrace-a the family"

With that bit of advice, Maria went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned
over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Nonna fainted

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From Nottingham Smithie

Gorilla

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on
the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate.

Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he
promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their
animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering unit was
on the way and to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery
unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver
proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a Chihuahua dog, a pair of
handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a
12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem
of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked
him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge
shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla
and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla
hits the ground, the specially trained Chihuahua will attack its private<(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb br>parts. When I get back on the ground,
the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself
thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs.
Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was
handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a
precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event
that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -
shoot the dog."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tourettes

A traffic warden approached a man parking his car.
"You can't park there, that's a disabled bay"
He said "But I am disabled"
The warden replied "Really, what with?"
"Fucking Tourettes Syndrome you gobshite," replied the man.
"Now piss off."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hickory

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific
D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a
panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of
Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man goes to a well known stree(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb t to pick up a hooker. He goes to the top
of the street and asks a young good looking girl how much?
She tells him its £100 all in, the man tells her I can't afford that! Well
she explains go further down the road their cheaper down there. He walks
down the road and asks this not so good looking lady. How much? She tells
him its £50! I can't afford that he explains! Well go further down the
street they're cheaper down there.

He walks for a while and finds this older lady quite ugly. How much love?
She tells him its £20 all in. Sorry love I don't have that much to spend,
well fuck off and go down the road they're cheaper down there! He walks as
far as he can and eventually finds this really ugly dishevelled old woman
sitting by the curb three teeth in her mouth. He asks how much love? She
tells him its £2.50 all in. That sounds reasonable he says, lets go. She
takes him to a flat round the corner, she strips down for action and just
as he's just about to slip it in, he looks closely at her crutch and
screams "oh my god that's disgusting, you've got crabs!"

She looks at him bewildered and retorts..."what the fuck do you expect for
£2.50, Scampi!"

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From Stonefish

Great Aussie Yarn

The newspaper, "The Australian", over a period of weeks sought entries for
The Great Australian yarn.

This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ...... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ...... after all, she stuck by me durin' the
drought."

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From Swinburne Sue

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
except(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb ionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking
that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said
to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from
his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the
young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."

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From Whizzbang

Dealing with women drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of femal(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb es, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so!!

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From dkstr

How to get rid of squirrels

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the
Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels

One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do
about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined
that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery
and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there
were twice as many there the next week.

The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creation. So they humanely trapped the
squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.

But The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not (öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel
and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen
a squirrel on the property since.

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From Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Davo, Duke of Barsinov, KRP
from Coffs Harbour, Maayan, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Stonefish, Swinburne Sue, Whizzbang

First up the NHH stuff (Not Hosted Here).

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/80671/Humvee_In_Iraqi_Traffic.html

Stephen Wiltshire, the living camera (this one is really high on the gob
smack index)
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/rome-drawing-p1.php

Dilbert on video;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v7Fr3fAwNY

Have a go at this simple game, its weird.
http://www.milaadesign.com/number.html


To begin the stuff hosted here - the videos ...

Blonde moment
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070130_beautybrains.wmv

Mummies Little Helper
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070129_mommyhelper_285.wmv

Excess Baggage!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_excesso_de_carga.wmv

A woman's worst nightmare
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_awomansworstnightmare.wmv

When you know you're plastered
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_sob-sobtest_1.wmv

Cigarette Commercial
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070128_fighterpilots.wmv

Michael Vick - SNL
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070129_vickreally.wmv

Boogie Dancing (this is so cool)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070129_boogie_1.wmv

This oughta make you smile (yep!!)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_animal_super_dancers_fr.wmv

This is a classic!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_dumb_blonde.wmv

Examination
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_examination.wmv

Is this guy for real? (gross)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070129_tacks-~1.wmv

Government Employees
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_governmentemployees.wmv

Fruitcake Lady
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_fruitcakelady.wmv

Then the images ...

You'd think he'd call himself Bill.....
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_nationwide.jpg

Beer anyone?
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0011.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0022.jpg

http://humo(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb ur.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0033.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0044.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0055.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0066.jpg
A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years in Ogden, Utah. The
landlord thought he was the best renter because he never called or
complained and was never late on a payment. When these pictures were taken
the Real Estate agent had already moved some of the cans out, and they had
caved in some of the tunnels the renter had made to get to the bedroom,
bathroom and kitchen. All this, yet,
you still don't see any dust or scattered clothes or any dirty dishes
anywhere. Other than having a minor drinking problem, he was basically a
very clean, organized person. Add to this, he was concerned about his
health, proved by the fact that he drank a "Light" beer.

2007 Calendar
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att13.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att24.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att35.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att46.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att57.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att68.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb _att79.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att810.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_att911.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_atta12.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_attb13.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_attc2.jpg

Oz Vandalism at its best !
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_image001.jpg

Corker of an Ad
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_image003.gif

Cats
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070130_pic1.jpg

BRA
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070130_bra1.pps

How to tell if your boat is too small.......
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image0017.jpg

Pavement Art - new ones!!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic06868.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic07711.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic08723.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic12859.jpg

http(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb ://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic15141.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic25547.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic27644.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic32662.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_pic32757.jpg

At least he has a sense of humour
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_17-presidents_helicopte.jpg

National Mental Healthcare Week
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070126_image0011.jpg
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person
to show you care.

Don't Cheat on your wife! (WARNING - gruesome)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image001.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image002.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image003.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image004.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image005.jpg
Emilo Savez was critically wounded when his wife, in a fit of rage,
attacked her husband with a wood axe, lodging it in his forehead. The 36
year old father of three was rushed to St. Vincent's hospital when(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb his
frantic wife called police after swinging an axe into his face. Apparently
Maria Savez caught her estranged husband in bed with the family
housekeeper, and in a fit of rage ran to the garage and got a wood axe,
then proceeded back to their bedroom. Once there a struggle ensued, and
Mrs. Savez ended up on top of her husband, then swung the Axe and impaled
Mr. Savez in his forehead. Shocked surgeons spent six hours removing and
repairing the damage from the axe, and surprisingly Mr. Savez is expected
to make a full recovery. Minor brain damage to the front temporal lobes is
expected, but Mr. Savez is expected to be able to lead a normal life once
his wounds have healed

What is the difference between girls/woman
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image001111.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image002222.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image003333.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image004444.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image005555.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image006666.gif

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image007777.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_image008888.jpg

'Roids ... What 'roids?
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image001-01.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image002-01.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image003-01.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image004-01.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image005-01.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_image006.jpg

Priceless
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless09.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless10.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless59.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless60.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless61.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless62.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless63.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_priceless64.jpg

The Amazing Art of Jim Warren
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren1.jpg

http://humour(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb .bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren10.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren11.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren12.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren13.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren14.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren15.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren16.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren17.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren2.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren3.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren4.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren5.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren6.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren7.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren8.jpg

http:/(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb /humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_jimwarren9.jpg

You named it what?
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_image10.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_image11.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_image6.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_image8.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_image9.jpg

Donald Duck's trousers
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070127_donduck.jpg

Read The Story First
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_kidstuck2_1.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_kidstuck_1.jpg
I was working in the office this afternoon (from home) when my daughter
Aubrey came into the house to inform me that Justin was stuck. Well, the
kids often play this game with me and as I was engaged in my work and I
didn't feel the need to rush out to check.
I told Aubrey instead to tell Justin to get himself unstuck, 20 minutes
later Aubrey returned to let me know that Justin could not get himself
unstuck and that he was very sad. I decided to check it out, annoyed, and
to my surprise Justin had managed to slide himself in between the two
mailboxes and wedge himself tight. I had to climb up on top and pull him
out and it was a struggle at that. Moral of the story, sometimes kids are
actually telling the truth!

An audio file ...

Four Yorkshiremen
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070130_4york.wav

The slide shows ...

Confined Space, The right entry method & PPE
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_confinedspacesafety.pps

Check out the guy sat on the end of the rock, no way would I do that
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070130_hayattan.pps

And lastly, the documents ...

View from Space
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_satshotz.pps

You'll love this...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070124_taxes.pps

Straya Day
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_straya_day.pps

US Sitcoms & Cartoons quizzes'
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_copyoferin_s80_scartoon.xls

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070125_copyofussitcomsquiz.xls


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And now the anonymous text contributions (lots of them this week were
repeats) ...

--- Businesses That Failed ---

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees, despite
the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and
other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynaecological clinic franchi(öC,¶ÿÿÿÿlZb se specializing in "25,000 mile tune-ups".

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term customer
base.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for haemorrhoids...available in all your favourite
fragrances.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY
A Kosher meat market in Brooklyn.

T.G.I.T.A.
( Thank God It's Tuesday Afternoon) A sour dough garlic coated family size
pizza specialty on Tuesday afternoons.

BARBIE BUST ENHANCEMENT FRANCHISE
The first two locations went bust.

---------------------------------

Once upon a time Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and
sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was
crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the
pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got
laid.

Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed
it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl can
dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until
midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.

Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have
fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came
back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except
only harder and louder. She immediately went down to her and asked her
how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
So what are you crying about the Fairy asked?

Because you never fuckn' told me that this thing would turn back into a
pumpkin after midnight!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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Posted By Stephen to Joke Compilations at 2/24/2007 04:30:00 PM