Joke Compilations: September 2007

Saturday 29 September 2007

JE - The Wrong Job

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Still on a beach..

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The Wrong Job
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Bus to Hell
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Mc Britney
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+ Marriage Joke
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug
suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But
what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live
in,
Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and
said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget
it,"
said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

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Friday 28 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-28-07

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Fun4U: Marriage in Heaven

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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
    accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
    waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
    in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says,
    "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
    out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months. While
    they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
    Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
    bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
    Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
    don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
    up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Fun4U: Gaan & Smee

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A Queensland (Australia) Radio Station, QFM, was running a competition to
    find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in
    any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence
    that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two
    to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out:

DJ: QFM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave , what is your word?

Caller: "Gaan" spelt G, A, A, N.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Dave, Gaan
    is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next
    question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use
    that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Gaan screw yourself! Ha Ha Ha

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is
    no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: QFM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff , what is your word?

Caller: "Smee" spelt S, M, E, E.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Jeff, Smee
    is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next
    question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use
    that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Gaan screw yourself Ha Ha Ha!

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Thursday 27 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-27-07

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JE - Big Mac Art

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Hip Hop Violinist
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Ugly People Should Shut Up
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+ Topical Joke
One to award the no bid contract to Halliburton.
One to subcontract the job to KBR.
One to outsource it to a "shell" company.
One to give a speech stating that we are making progress with the
lightbulb changing, please be patient.
One to purchase the 190,001 lightbulbs from China.
A billion Chinese to make light bulbs.
One to accidentally lose track of 190,000 lightbulbs.
One to make another speech stating that we are making progress with
the lightbulb changing, please be patient.
4 Blackwater mercinaries to guard the shipment of the lightbulb.
One to screw in the lightbulb. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

How many Republicans does it take to rebuild the bombed electric power
plant to actually light the bulb?

What, are you still in the dark about this?

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No Holds Barred! 09-26-07

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Tuesday 25 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-25-07

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JE - How to Win her Over

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Flatulent Marilyn Monroe
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Attack of the Influenza Birds

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+ General Joke
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still
without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.
But the price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do
the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's
going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."

"Ochh-man , now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

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Monday 24 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-24-07

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older man was married to a younger woman. After
several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart
attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his
life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that
he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save
them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life
without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed
upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said,
"I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marketing 101

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct
Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's
Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public
Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

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A well-endowed woman entered a chic Madison Avenue
boutique and tried on every evening gown in the store.
Finally setting eyes on a very sexy, low-cut dress
hanging in the display window, she asked the exhausted
sales clerk if she could try it on.

"Of course, madam," he muttered through clenched
teeth, squeezed into the window, and began the
painstaking task of taking the dummy apart to
remove the gown. Eventually he succeeded and was able
to hand it over to the demanding customer.

"How do I look?" she asked, emerging from the dressing
room. "Does it show off my superb breasts to
advantage?"

"Oh, absolutely," the clerk assured her, "but do hairy
chests run in your family?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Sunday 23 September 2007

Fun4U: Expecting A Child

Fun4U: Little Red Riding Hood

Saturday 22 September 2007

JE - Personal Torture

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+ The Starter
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Booked my holiday and flying today!
Say hello to the Caribbean! Don't worry though, whilst I'm sunning myself
on

the beach, Joke Email will keep on rolling..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Longest Hair in the World
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+ Topical Joke

Gee, I hope O.J.'s recent arrest doesn't distract him from his search
for the real killers...

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Friday 21 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-21-07

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Thursday 20 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-20-07

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JE - Just What Your Ex Needs..

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Hmm.. bit of a logistical issue confronts me today. My frugal nature
forces me to NEVER pay the full amount for anything, inparticular package
holidays to the Caribbean. The obvious reason is that I'm invariably a lot
more flexible about where I'll go and when than a holiday company. Thus,
it's a buyer's market, and therefore MY market.

Or so I thought.

Constrained to flying on Friday, I've been eagerly watching the prices
fall, day after day. Only they've been rising, and the holidays vanishing.
I've just been told the flight has sold out. This is NOT good news,
repeat.. this is NOT good news!

Spain again then..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Bowling Girl Goes Wild
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Eminem Mania
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+ Topical Joke
I was listening to a story about Allen Greenspan on NPR this morning.
Apparently he courted his wife with an essay on the Sherman Antitrust Act.

Gee, I wonder why I never thought of that approach?

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Wednesday 19 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-19-07

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Tuesday 18 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-18-07

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Joke Compilations

Saturday 29 September 2007

JE - The Wrong Job

Friday 28 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-28-07

Fun4U: Marriage in Heaven

Fun4U: Gaan & Smee

Thursday 27 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-27-07

JE - Big Mac Art

No Holds Barred! 09-26-07

Tuesday 25 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-25-07

JE - How to Win her Over

Monday 24 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-24-07

Sunday 23 September 2007

Fun4U: Expecting A Child

Fun4U: Little Red Riding Hood

Saturday 22 September 2007

JE - Personal Torture

Friday 21 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-21-07

Thursday 20 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-20-07

JE - Just What Your Ex Needs..

Wednesday 19 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-19-07

Tuesday 18 September 2007

No Holds Barred! 09-18-07

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