G'day from Deano at Bluehaze,
Interesting statistics:
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq,
here's a sobering statistic. There has been a monthly average of 160,000
troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a
total of 2,867 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000
soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000
persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely
to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.
My favourite contribution this week is Beer dog
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/bud-light.mpg
First up, here is the written stuff sent in by Cartographer Chris,
Whizzbang, Stonefish, Nottingham Smithie, Duke of Barsinov, Castlehill
Books Mob, Allnutts, Moose, Zalaga and a few who don't want to be named...
*The afterlife *
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and informthe
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he
made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at
night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Perth."
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A Funny for you
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her
while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very
good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
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The Plan.
In the beginning was The Plan,
And then came the Assumptions,
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was completely without substance,
And the Darkness came upon the face of the Workers.
And they did rent their garments and spake unto the Manager, saying "Yea,
it is an unholy crock of Shit and it stinks!"
And the Manager went unto the Programme Manager, saying "It is a pail of
excrement and none may abide it's odour thereof."
And the Programme Manager went unto the Business Manager crying unto the
heavens saying "It is a container of manure, it is very strong such that
none here may abide it."
And the Business Manager went unto the Director saying unto him,"Harken
unto me, it is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it's strength."
And the director went unto the Vice-President crying "It contains that
which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the Vice-President came before the senior Vice-President and raising
his face before God cried loudly "It promoteth growth and it is very
powerful - see how we are blessed!"
And the Senior Vice-President went forward and spake to the President
saying "Let not your heart be troubled for this new Plan will actively
promote the growth and efficiency of the Company."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good,
AND LO, THE PLAN BECAME POLICY.
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Interesting Facts
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
"lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't
you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or
purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you
doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for
accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going
to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.(You're not doubting
this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say
. a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what
my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/10 0th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this
too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything
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CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own
funeral---I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Just A Joke
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed , "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?"
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Note to Self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!'
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service, being
what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and the ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part
about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure."
(fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member:
"Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
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What are the famous words of the giant?
One: What are the famous words of the giant?
Two: FEE FI FO FUM
ONE: O.K. Pick any three of them in random order.
Two: How 'bout FO FO FEE
One: Good. Now Pick any four in random order.
Two: O.K.... FI FO FEE FEE
One: So we have FO FO FEE-FI FO FEE FEE
Two: Yup.
ONE: Do you know what that is?
Two: Nope.
One: Well Its..........
One: Its a rap singers phone number!
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I had a strange experience last week. I was in a bar, there were these two
good looking women in the corner, so I said "Hey bartender I want to buy
those two women a drink". The bartender gagged and said "NO NO they are
lesbians, you don't want to have anything to do with them". Well I finally
talked the bartender into taking them each a drink. They looked over at me,
smiled, got up and sat down beside me. The biggest one said "that was a
very nice thing you did. Most men wouldn't give us the time of day.
Would you like to feel my friend's tits"? She pulled up her friend's
sweater and I went to it. "this is easy" I thought to myself as visions of
two on one went through my mind. So I said "Bartender! another round" The
big one was delighted and said "Oh most men wouldn't do that for us, would
like to smell my friends pussy"? Naturally I said yes. So she stuck out her
tongue and held it under my nose.
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Jane and John
Jane and John met at a Christmas party, dated a few times, and decided to
get married as soon as possible. This accomplished, they set off for their
honeymoon in Orlando.
There they were, drinks in hand, sunning themselves by the pool in the lazy
sun.
John asks Jane "Honey, do you mind if I go for a little swim?".
She replies "Why no, hon, you go right ahead".
So John climbs onto the diving tower, and, to Jane's mixed delight and
astonishment, performs a faultless 2 turn back flip off the 10 metre
board, entering the water like a razor blade. He hoists himself out of the
pool, shakes the water from his ears, flops back into his chair, takes a
pull of his drink, and Jane says "John! You never told me you were such a
good diver!".
"No," he smiles lazily, "we didn't get much time to learn a lot about each
other before getting married, did we? I had some basic Olympic training in
university, nearly made the state team!".
Jane digests this, takes another pull of her drink, then asks "John, do you
mind if I go for a little swim?".
"Hell, no, honey, you go right ahead", he replies indulgently. In contrast
to John, Jane tests the water with her toes, then gingerly eases herself
into the shallow end. Once in, however, it's fwoooooooosh! to the other
end, an underwater flip, and fwooooooooosh! back to the shallow end. This
is repeated six times, after which she climbs back out, shakes out her
hair, and towels herself dry without any sign of fast breathing or
exhaustion of any kind.
"Jane!", her ever-lovin' exclaims, "You never told me you could swim like
THAT!".
"No," she smiles lazily, "we didn't get much time to learn a lot about each
other before getting married, did we? I used to be a whore in Venice!".
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Bloke in a pub
Bloke in a pub, having a quiet pint and a read of the paper. Chap sits next
to him and dumps a sack on the seat between them. Looking down bloke
notices sack is moving.
"What you got in the sack?" he asks.
"Ferret" says the chap.
"Wot you doing with the Ferret" asks the bloke.
"Selling it" is the reply.
"How much? out of interest" he enquires.
"$100" replies the chap
"Ferk me" says the bloke "thats a bit steep for an overgrown rodent,
innit?"
"Ah well" says chappie "its a bit special like"
"Oh yeah" says our hero mystified "in what way?"
"Gives blow jobs" comes the answer.
Bloke sprays beer over the table and says "Ferk off, your'e extracting the
urine!"
"No", says the chap, "seriously, best you'll ever have"
Bloke thinks for a minute, then says, "give us a go then"
"Okay dokey matey" says our salesmen, whips the ferret out of the sack and
shoves it down our hero's kecks.
The most sensational feeling he has ever felt overcome's our hero's
emotions, akin to a choir of angels pouring ambrosia over your tongue and
within seconds he has shot his load.
"Yer on", he says, bungs the chap 100 notes and is off home with his
purchase.
On entering his abode he spies his wife sitting in her dressing gown,
rollers in her hair, smokin' a fag in front of "Coronation street".
"Got something for you" he says.
"What is it" comes the grunted reply.
"A blow job giving Ferret" he says gleefully
"What the ferk am I going to do with that you cnut!" she barks.
He looks her in the eye and says..................
(Here comes the punchline)
"Teach it to cook, pack your bags and Ferk off!)
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Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt. We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my generalogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,
Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, Giva
Schitt, Fuller Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dummern Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chic N. Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fuller Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and
Horace. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them,
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.
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Cowboy
An old cowboy was sitting in a bar somewhere in west Texas, animatedly
telling all his drinking buddies about the contest he won.
"Yeah boys, I really won that free trip to New York City, It's gonna be
grand," the old cowboy remarked. The questions and advice flowed as freely
as the beer and the whiskey that night.
"I hear the women in New York are som-thin-else!" remarked one friend.
"Yeah, and there's supposed to be some fine sippin' whiskey there too."
another added.
"Oh boy, and remember to try one of 'dem New York cut steaks, I hears that
they are out da dis world!!". Chimed in one of his more inebriated
companions.
The discussion lasted into the night. The old cowboy was ready in the
morning though, and at eight 'o clock sharp a limo rolled in to pick him
up.
He got on a plane at the airport and flew first class, non-stop to New York
City. Whereupon he was picked up by another limo and taken to a very nice
hotel. He had just enough time to put his bags in his room before he met
with the tour group and started seeing the city. The bus let him off back
at the hotel a little before eight, and he was starving!
Deciding not to forage into the city again till he had some real food, he
ventured down to the hotel restaurant. He was seated by the Matre 'd. and
given a menu to which he quickly replied "Oh, I don't need no menu, I
already knows what I want. Bring me one of those New York cut steaks!"
"Yes Missuer, right away." the Matre 'd replied. Knowing that this cowboy
was some VIP he decided to serve him, himself. A few minutes later he
brought a bowl of piping hot soup and crackers. This did not get the
reaction he expected though.
The cowboy politely turned to him and said "Sir I asked for a steak, not
soup."
"But Missuer, the steak, it comes with soup." The Matre 'd replied.
"I don't care," returned the cowboy, "Bring me my steak!" with that he
shoved the soup back hard enough to make it spill. The Matre 'd picked up
the soup with a "hummp" and returned soon with a wonderful New York strip
that was perfection in every way. The Cowboy dug into this with gusto and
consumed a vast amount of wine in the process. He then set out on the town
to see the night life available in this city. In the process he got quite
drunk, and when it came time to go home he just looked for the biggest
building he could find and assumed it was the hotel. It was in fact a
hospital, and as the old cowboy staggered drunkenly down the corridor
looking for his room, he came to a room numbered as his was back in the
hotel. Whereupon he burst in, rolled the patient out of bed and fell face
first, passed out cold. As it happens the aforementioned patient was due
for an enema about midnight. So not long after this takeover, in walks
several husky orderlies who proceed to give the protesting cowboy a good
cleaning out. Very early that morning the nurse making the rounds
discovered the travesty, and proceeded to roust the still drunken cowboy
out of bed and run him out of the hospital. Eventually after some
wandering around the cowboy sobered up enough to find his way back to the
hotel He packed his bags and met the limo in front of the hotel. He rode
back in the opposite order he came, until he again sat back at the local
tavern having a few beers with his friends.
"Come on, tell us about New York, was the women as fine as they say?" asked
one eager buddy.
" Well I'll tell you boys, The women in New York, They as fine as they
come, and the whiskey there, mmmmmmm, it's so smooth. And that New York
cut steak, MMMMM MMM," and then he took on a more serious tone, "But let
me tell you boys somethin', if you're ever in New York and you order one
of those New York cut steaks, and they bring you soup, .. EAT THE SOUP!,
'Cause if you don't, they're commin' in in the middle of the night and
shove it up your ass!!"
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European Study.
Italy funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is wider
than its shaft. The study took two years and cost over 180,000,000 lira.
The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study
on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian
study were incorrect. After three year's of research and at a cost in
excess of 250,000,000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis
is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to
conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or
French studies. So after nearly three days of intensive research and at a
cost of approximately 36 Quid, the English study came to the final
conclusion that the reason that the head of a man's penis is wider than
it's shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting your forehead !!
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Two blokes
Two blokes were on the train on their way to work when the first one
notices that the other fellow has a black eye to match his own. He duly
sparks up conversation and asks how he acquired it.
"Well" said the second bloke, "it's a bit of a fault on my behalf" "Really!
Oh, how's that" - replied the first.
"You see, I was out on the beer last night, and whilst in a nightclub I was
waiting to be served by the most gorgeous blonde with a huge set of boobs.
I waited about 5 minutes to get served but could not stop thinking of them
whilst I was waiting. Eventually she came over and asked me what I wanted.
Before I could stop myself, I blurted out "a pint of your breast titties".
- to which she socked me straight in the face".
"Ahh, a very similar fate to mine", said the second "You got your words
mixed up too, what a coincidence"
"Go on", says first bloke "what did you say".
"Well, I was sat down this morning at breakfast, and I meant to say.
"Darling, could you please pass me the jam". "What actually came out was:
"You fucked up my life you sick twisted bitch".
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Lifes humor
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15
minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into
the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but
you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
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HOAX WARNING
Importance: High
Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey
and then asks you to show them your bum,
DO NOT show them your bum.
This is a scam; they just want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
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Two brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The
bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
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Blonde Joke
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other
day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, 'Honey, I have some really great news for you!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me what you're so happy about.'
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed
her on the lips and told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier!'
Then, she said 'Oh, honey. There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.
She said...(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a
home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack and ... both tests came out positive!'
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Graham the Kiwi
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the
species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a Big
Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex
with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer , but
only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don"t want to have to kuss ER ."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition .
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the
$500."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
HERE'S A RIDDLE FOR YOU.
Pantyhose quiz
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it...
Ready?
Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves ,
1 ass,
and an unknown number of hares.
And of course one (1) pussy.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
The Ranchers Blonde Wife
Amy, a blonde Texan-city girl, marries a Texas-rancher. One morning, on his
way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the Barn
to identify the cow. You show him where the cow is when he gets here,
okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long row of
cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one ... Right
here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's
to hang your pants on"
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Is knowing the answer before you ask awesome ?? (true story !!!)
GRANDMA IN COURT...
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her & asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, & frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, & you manipulate people & talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room & asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, & he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone & his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Irish Joke
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he
eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note
appears. "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to
do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc. Finally the last note comes out and no more
appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt ER. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman. I knew I wasn't feeling two
grand.."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
And now to the pics etc with a another great collection this week sent in
by Muse, Cartographer Chris, Burnout, Stonefish, Allnutts, Whizzbang,
Nottingham Smithie, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Duke of Barsinov, Moose and
anonymous
Knowing when to turn off your cellphone.........priceless!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070323_cellphonetactics.asf
A very clever Toyota Car Ad
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/toyota-trampa.wmv
The 3 stages of a Man's Life . . . . .
SINGLE
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/beforemarriage.jpg
MARRIED
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/aftermarriage.jpg
DIVORCED
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_image003.jpg
The Grandma!!!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070323_thegrandma.pps
MEN SHARE ... EXPERIENCE
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_monthlyman.wmv
Quick wedding - A Man's way
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070315_quickwedding.wmv
For Firemen everywhere!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070321_firehose_rodeo.wmv
Some Argentinean whales, and others
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070321_baleinesausuddel_argent.pps
How to check your car's air conditioner
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image001.jpg
The wonders of Microsoft Word
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_thewondersofmicrosoftwo.doc
Home Cure
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_unknown.gif
Snake-vs-Kangaroo: Hungry?
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_snake-vs-kangaroo.pps
Buying a rabbit - language alert!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_image001.gif
Powerful Thoughts
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_wisdom.pps
Interpreter
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070327_interpreter.wmv
Beer delays death
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Beer_can_save_lives.mpg
Dam authorities.]
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_thedam.pdf
Vista is here!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_windersxxxx.pps
Me? Follow Those Skidmarks? Not Likely!!!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070325_bloodhound.jpg
Ben Cousins pre season beach training sessions
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_att1243922.bmp
Raunchy T-Shirts
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00012674.zoom.a.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00046433.zoom.a.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00046516.zoom.a.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00416776.zoom.a.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00509075.zoom.a.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_00546200.zoom.a.jpg
Revised Version of Fairytale
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070327_thisisthefairytalethatw.doc
WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BABYSIT
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070327_malcom-jeu-bebe.mpg
Sprite commercial....
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_sprite-love.mpg
We cannot imagine...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_cant_imagine.wmv
How you know...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_clues.wmv
NEW Government Logo
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_governmentlogo1.jpg
Promise Keeper (commercial)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070327_prmise_keeper.wmv
Remember when..........
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070323_rememberwhen_1.pps
From: Latest fashion in Japan
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061027_pic32019.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_japanesefashiontrend_fd.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_japanesefashiontrend-01.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_japanesefashiontrend-02.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_japanesefashiontrend-03.jpg
Better way
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_velodonald.wmv
The Four Stages Of Life
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_pic27093.jpg
No Dumping
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070326_abcd0002.jpg
Military Cut Backs
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_image0012.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_image0022.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_image0032.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_image0042.jpg
The new Benz - Very different.... really different!...
This is the new Mercedes Benz SCL600.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image001-01.jpg
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image002.jpg
This car is really different.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image003.jpg
That's not what is different about it.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image004.jpg
That either.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image005.jpg
and now for the 'really different' part:
Here is what is different.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070324_image006.jpg
No steering wheel, you drive it with a joystick. No pedals either.
Can you drive with a joystick? Your kids and grand kids probably can.
The influence of video games in our lives has really arrived.
Why It is Always Best to Marry In a Church?
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/WeddingPhoto.jpg
Bad news about Easter...........
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070321_ostern_faellt_aus.jpg
Now a couple of ruder ones :o)
Learn ya ABC's
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070322_let_slearnourabc_s.pps
Therapy
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070327_theraphy4man.pps
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
And now back to the written stuff with some goodies from Anonymous..
Mick Malthouse the coach of Melbourne's Collingwood Magpies gets wind of a
potential young recruit who lives in Iraq . Malthouse and the Magpies'
recruiting Manager catch a plane to the troubled Iraq capital of Baghdad
and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally
find him and convince him to come to Australia .
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets
picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year. Ten
minutes into the first quarter, Nathan Buckley goes down with a severe
knee injury. Malthouse turns to the boy and says, "This is it son, go to
the centre half forward and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9
goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren
from outside 50.
The Magpies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the
rooms. Malthouse tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through
and he is a model lesson for all.
Malthouse then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son , ring
your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did
today?"
"I don't care what you did today," his Mother replies. "I tell you what
happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our
house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and raped
and your brother was abducted."
"Gee" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened." The
Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have
shifted to Collingwood."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling
screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the
holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to
fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to
hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
New car
Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer the
next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the
Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon. Then
I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome
songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my irlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"
Guess what !!
Immediately up came the song ' Good 'ol Collingwood forever, they know how
to play the game......."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
And that is all for this week folks. Keep the contributions coming.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Please send all humour contributions to contribute@bluehaze.com.au
Please send all subscription requests to humourlist@bluehaze.com.au
Please send other enquiries/comments to management@bluehaze.com.au
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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[ End friday humour ]
