Friday Humour

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

So Victoria (state of Australia) has collectively decided on more of the
same.
Cole (inquiry into AWB rorts) has said exactly what he was told to say.
Mass meeting at MCG (Melbourne) numbers stymied by "faulty" trains on three
major lines.
Another helicopter falls from the sky killing more armed services folk
before the inquiry over the previous one (22 months ago) has reported.
What happened to Kovco?
Business as usual in good old Oz ...

My favourite for this week is:
Warn your friends...This is a scam...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061128_scam.jpg
Talk about entrepreneurship ...

A good collection this week. As usual- be careful opening the ones with
warnings.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Burnout

The Phone Call

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it,
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask a question and tapped the driver
on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb scattering pedestrians in every direction,
and stopped just inches from a huge plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Digi Maria

Potency

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he
asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong
and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said" I told you each pill was $10.00, NOT $110.00."
I know," said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Moose

Why are wedding dresses white?

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says .......

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

MasterCard wedding

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University.  It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.  After the wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.  He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing
such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him.  So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila
envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching
the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man
and said, "F--- you!"  Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."  He had
the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong. His revenge -- making the bride's parents pay over
$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and
family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion:  $3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:  $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Whizzbang

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take
your house and car.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking
lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three
times."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in

the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled
broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back
his credit card.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I  was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to

win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
"Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles
are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered.. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made
the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that
she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given
the amount of money  involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's
probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I
would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A DIFFERENT SLANT ON WINGING ABOUT ALWAYS BEING LAST.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person

one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up,
and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God
is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When
there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Old Flames

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearly tab le.  The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes", sighs
the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since".  "My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LITTLE JOHNNY

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" Asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You
didn't steal it, did you?" Asks Little Johnny. "No," said
Jimmy.

"I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing
the nasty'.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely
impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.

"What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a
stroke, his father said, "Fine.

Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The multimedia collection this week is from (amongst others) Burnout,
Castlehill Books Mob, Davo, Digi Maria, Marinator, Moose and
Whizzbang.

* Images *

Bush condoms
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_bushcondoms-1.jpg

Height chart
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_unknown1.jpg

When Cloning goes very wrong
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image001211.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image002322.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image003433.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image004544.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image005655.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image006766.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image007877.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image008988.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image0091099.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image010111010.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image011121111.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image012131212.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image013141313.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image014151414.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image015161515.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image016171616.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image017181717.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image018191818.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image019201919.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image020212020.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image021222121.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image022232222.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image023242323.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image024252424.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image025262525.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_image026272626.jpg

Why dogs attack people
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_pic13648_1.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_psikostym01_1.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_psikostym02_1.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_psikostym03_1.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_psikostym04_1.jpg

One of the best advertisements
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061128_att1625611.jpg

The Prayer
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_belize001_17_medium.jpg

Tattoo
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image0011.jpg

BOO!
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image001.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image002.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image003.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image004.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image005.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image006.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image007.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image008.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_image009.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained7.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained6.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained4.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained3.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained5.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Unexplained8.jpg

Japanese knickers bags ( new lot)
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_image001.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_image002.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_image004.jpg
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_image005.jpg

* Videos *

Russian drunks...
The video clip is from a Russian news programme. There was an accident at a
coal mine and people were accused of drinking on the job. The interviewer
is trying to see if there is any truth in the rumour, and then one of the
other workers turns up unannounced.
Don't need sound, unless you can speak Russian. The bloke's face is
Legendary!
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061128_nadrbany.mpg

Speed Bandits (a teensy bit rude)
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_speedbandits-ralph.wmv

Why people have legs and not wings...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061124_polatamy.wmv

Treadmill Gross, but only a bit.
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_treadmill.wm

Shatabdi Express
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061124_shatabdi.wmv

Kiss test
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_kisstesrterm.wmv

Animal security
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061122_lassie.wmv
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061122_monkey_alarm.wmv

Tough decisions
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_distorteddog.wmv

Roddick Amex commercial
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_roddick.wmv

Check this out, it's unreal when you consider it mostly tractor parts.
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_fantasticmachine.wmv

A true drongo ... Surrounded by only slightly lesser drongos
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061124_attachment2059.wmv

How Lucky can you be? Not to mention slow in getting started ...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_effegeluk!3.wmv
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_schutzengel_11.wmv
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_schutzengel_22.wmv
I know why the last guy is walking funny ...

Turtle Sex
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_turtlesex.wmv

Not so funny Friday - not for the tunnel-phobic.
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_v60.wmv

Yep ...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_32555_doverealbeauty.wmv

Animals can be dangerous ...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_funvideo05.wmv

How to put on a bra with style
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061125_howtoputonabrarduu.wmv

* Slideshows *

His N Hers
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061124_mand-kone-bil.pps

New sex flow chart
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061127_flowchart.pps

ATM Thieves... thought you should all have a look at this
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061128_atm_thefts.pps

Good economical Truck! Just great for greenhouse ...
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061123_forgetthehummer.pps

* Audio *

Cute - but probably fake ..
  http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20061122_demolitioncall.wma

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And to finish up, a few more jokes from the anonymi ..

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

* Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
* Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
* Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
* The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
* It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
* It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
* The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks,
concrete slabs and other building material.
* Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up
the radio.
* It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with
the keys in the ignition.
* It is especially sand and waterproofed for barbeques and fishing
expeditions on remote beaches.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mickey was complaining to his friend about the problems he was having with
his stubborn wife.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I.. I.. I could almost hit her!" he
exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," his friend replied,
"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, Mickey replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants
off, I'm not mad anymore."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.

 "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to
tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher.

 "Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be. That is the
question," asked the teacher.

 Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
"Shakespeare".

 "Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off"

 "No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to
study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard," said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

 "Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

 Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin
Ruther King!"

 "Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"

 "No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time
offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday
studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat.

 "Okay," said the teacher.

 Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Asians!"

 "Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

 "Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and
told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

 "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to
get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

 "I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll
just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

 "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd
rather have my husband's baby."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town
all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the
closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from
next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of
her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your
father gets home and then I want you to tell him  exactly what you've just
told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came
upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into
bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy,
with Uncle Bob."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

              Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Please send all humour contributions to    contribute@bluehaze.com.au
Please send all subscription requests to   humourlist@bluehaze.com.au
Please send other enquiries/comments to    management@bluehaze.com.au
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]