Fun4U: New Tattoo

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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these
days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me
a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip.

"Please don't tell my parents," she begged.

"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"

"Honesty," she said.

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Fun4U: Emailers Anonymous

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Top Ten Signs That You Know It's Time to Join Emailers Anonymous

10. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your email on
the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8. You turn off your computer and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap... and
your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

AND THE NO.1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN EMAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

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Fun4U: Got Mail?

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Everything about my new town house was great, except for one thing. I
couldn't find my mailbox. It wasn't on the curb, nor was it by my
front door. I was stymied. To the rescue came the development's manager.

"The location of your mailbox should be indicated in the welcome package,"
he assured me, "the one we mailed to you."

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Fun4U: Baking for the Holidays

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This past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was
getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess
until the next morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of
little tiny footprints in the flour on the counter top.

Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI. They CONFIRMED that
I did, in fact, have AntTracks

Darn terrorists!!

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JE - Batman Busted

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The weekend has landed! I'll keep this brief, my plans are mainly lying in my pit,
reading the papers, and readying myself for a hectic July.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Batman Busted!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/batman.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/batman.htm "> AOL </a>

O RLY?
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/orly.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/orly.htm "> AOL </a>

Back to the Kitchen
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/kitchen.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/kitchen.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did
anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..

"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

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JE - Buddhist Anger Management

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wednesday morning and all is well with the world.
At least in my world..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Buddhist Anger Management
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/buddhist.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/buddhist.htm "> AOL </a>

The Man With No Face:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/face.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/face.htm "> AOL </a>

The Greatest Escape:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/escape.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/escape.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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JE - Waiting for the perfect guy

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Good morning all.
I hope you had an enjoyable weekend. My two days of respite from the office involved
showing my sister and her boyfriend around the city, generally doing all the tourist
things. I also managed to finally purchase a new iron (!) and shower curtain -
domestication indeed!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Waiting for the Perfect Man..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/waiting.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/waiting.htm "> AOL </a>

Blood Suckers
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/blood.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/blood.htm "> AOL </a>

Chill Out
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/chill.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/chill.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it
safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

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Fun4U: Wrong

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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune
and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his
wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

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Fun4U: Four old cowboys

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Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing
in the world.

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your
finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits
the brain."

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open
your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press
that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy
says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a
saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way
home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings
of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or
two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."

First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire
and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink,
or turn on that goddamn light ..."

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JE - Can we afford beer?

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sorry folks, big rush today. Have a top weekend!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Can we still afford beer in the credit crunch?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/beer_money.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/beer_money.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft
please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every
year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says Joe. "Hamburgers &
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and

rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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JE - Wimbledon Season

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Not feeling great this week, folks. The weather has turned for the summer in
sunny Scotland, and that means rain. Lots of it. C'est la vie.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Wimbledon Season!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/wimbledon.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/wimbledon.htm "> AOL </a>

All the Cute You'll Ever Need:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/cute.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/cute.htm "> AOL </a>

Deodorant Commercial Accurate:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/commercial.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/commercial.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke

It was entertainment night at the OAP Club . Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH1T' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the OAP Club..

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JE - Show Mac Some Respect

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Welcome to the week!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Show Mac Some Respect!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/respect_elders.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/respect_elders.htm "> AOL </a>

I'm a Mad Cow

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/madcow.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/madcow.htm "> AOL </a>

Bathroom Time Monitored
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bathroom.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bathroom.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay
and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no
one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should
go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and
went into town on e Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She
quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,'
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He
did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed
each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my
skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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Fun4U: Research On The Internet

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Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"

Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for
research and it's been very helpful.

Mother: "Really?"

Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

-=[-(r 566)--------------------------------------------------(lp:74.0%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Political Correct Terms

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Mankind, Human:
Earth Children

Woman:
Womyn

Girl:
Pre-Womyn

Dirty Old Man:
Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Psychopath:
Socially misaligned

Perverted:
Sexually dysfunctional.

Serial-Killer:
Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Insane People:
Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers

Bisexual:
Sexually Non-preferential

Lazy:
Motivationally deficient.

Self-centred:
Egoistically accelerated

Narrow-minded :
Perceptually challenged

Fat:
Horizontally challenged, alternative body image

Obese:
Gravitationally Challenged

Fail:
Acheive a deficiency.

Dishonest:
Ethically disoriented.

Bald
Follicularly challenged, follically disadvantaged, Comb-Free

Blind:
visually challenged, Photonically Non-receptive, Optically Darker

Clumsy:
Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor:
Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Alive:
Temporarily metabolically abled.

Worst:
Least best.

Wrong:
Differently logical.

Ugly:
Cosmetically different, aesthetically challenged

Short:
Vertically challanged, differently statured

Old Person / Elderly:
4th-Dimentionally Extended, Gerontologically Advanced

Dead People:
Dysfunctional Earth Children,
Biologically Challenged,
Living impaired,
metabolically different,
Metaphysically Challenged

Vagrant:
Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift:
Negative saver.

Gang:
Youth Group

Drug addict:
Chemically challenged

Stoned:
Chemically inconvenienced.

Net addict :
Cybernetically challenged

Drunk/Trashed
Spatially Perplexed

Pregnant:
Parasitically oppressed.

Ignorant:
Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Trees:
Oxygen Exchange Units

Tree-Hugger:
Environmental Activist

Logger:
Wood Weasel,
Paper Pirate,
Treeslayer

Paper bag:
processed tree carcass

Hamburger:
Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Cheeseburger:
Adding Insult to Injury

Meter Maid:
Parking Enforcement Aduciator

Post Man:
Post Person

Mail Man:
Person Person

Housewife:
Domestic Engineer

Dish washer:
utensil sanitizer

Janitor:
sanitation engineer

Poor
Economically Unprepared

Panhandler:
Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Unemployed:
Involuntarily leisured.

Bum:
Displaced homeowner,
Philosophy Major

-=[-(r3282)--------------------------------------------------(lp:74.0%)--]=-
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JE - Staff Must Wash

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Friday 13th June, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's the weekend!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Staff Must Wash
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/staff_wash.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/staff_wash.htm "> AOL </a>

Scorpion Soup
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scorpion.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scorpion.htm "> AOL </a>

No Shaggy Dog Story
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/shaggy.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/shaggy.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
"Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people

showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently,

this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American." --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a

military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media,

Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

"Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing

troops from Iraq, as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy

credentials. Because if you don't know your foreign policy, you might only get elected

president twice." -- Amy Poehler

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JE - Obama Mania

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's Wednesday, which is half way through this tepid week!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Obama Mania!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/obama_mania.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/obama_mania.htm "> AOL </a>

The Purr of Death
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/purr.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/purr.htm "> AOL </a>

Dog In Hiding From Hitman
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/hitman.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/hitman.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
What Store Employees Really Mean:

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even
shopping here?)

8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put
in the absolute wrong place.)

9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it"
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. "No, we don't have any more in the back"
(I just don't want to check.)

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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JE - Why Hillary Never Made It..

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 9th June, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Evening folks. Just about recovered from the Nepal/India experience. Although,
ever since I returned from Asia, I've been seriously hungry all the time,
including scoffing numerous chocolate bars and sweet pastries inbetween meals.
Possibly, just possibly, I may have worms. Not great news..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Why Hillary Never Made It..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hill_bill.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hill_bill.htm "> AOL </a>

Gorgeous Person Day
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/gorgeous.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/gorgeous.htm "> AOL </a>

You Monster
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/monster.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/monster.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African "bush tribe" whose men all had p3ni5es 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
member and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the member to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,'How is our little
"tribal experiment" coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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Fun4U: Pet Names

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"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

-=[-(r3248)--------------------------------------------------(lp:74.0%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Wedding Vows

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A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding
vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against
you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss
the bride."

-=[-(r2575)--------------------------------------------------(lp:74.0%)--]=-
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No Holds Barred! 06-05-08

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No Holds Barred! 06-04-08

===========================================================

Everything above this line is NOT a sponsor of
No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.


\\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!


Double Dates
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/896.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/896.html">Here</a>

Strange Cavern
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/897.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/897.html">Here</a>

Grumpy?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/898.html
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Good Excuse
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/899.html
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Reflex - Normal
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/900.html
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Golf Balls...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200311/024.htm
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Mothers house for milk & cookies
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1831.html
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What big shares ....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1832.html
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Cheap slut t-shirt shop
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1833.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1833.html">Here!</a>

Damned difficult
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1834.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1834.html">Here!</a>

Two toon for the price of one...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1835.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1835.html">Here!</a>

You've got MALE
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1836.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1836.html">Here!</a>

..tell him more?...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1837.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1837.html">Here!</a>

There ought to be a law against this!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1838.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1838.html">Here!</a>

Cut It Out!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/761.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/761.html">Here</a>

Bar Code
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/762.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/762.html">Here</a>

Clean Underwear
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/763.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/763.html">Here</a>

Mr. Gay?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/764.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/764.html">Here</a>

Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny704.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny705.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny706.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1177.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1178.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1179.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog.
One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that
his was the meanest and that it could lick any other
dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy
old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against
any dog in the country. Well, after some animated discussion
they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.

After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog
leapt on the Doberman and killed it outright. The first
farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs
for years and had never had more than a small scratch or
two. He turned to the other farmer and asked, "What kind
of dog did you say yours is?"

The first farmer replied, "Well before he lost his
tail, we called him a Mountain Lion!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of
reality.
* When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

* When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

* When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.

* When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

* When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.

* When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.

* When you are sick...Stay away from me until you're well again, I
don't want whatever you have.

* When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge till the end. Why may you ask?
Because you're my friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduce the Appearance of Hideous Cellulite.

Captiva Skincare is offering their Cellulite Refining Treatment
as a FREE trial. Pay only the shipping & handling fee and
you�ll receive a free month�s supply of the nation�s most
dynamic cellulite cream.

Are you embarrassed by your cellulite?

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Cellu.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Cellu.html">Here</a>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fraud Warning!

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!


If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue
Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter
claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay
for the operation of essential functions of the United States
government.
This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various big
corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social
Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the
money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps
mastermind....It's a Ponzi scheme.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out
of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!


FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE I KNOW!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


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No Holds Barred! 06-03-08

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JE - Profound Obama Speech?

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Monday 2nd June, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well folks, I'm back in the UK, battered and bruised after three weeks in Nepal and
India. It was an incident-packed period, however I've been travelling not stop for the
last 30 hours so please bear with me for the next couple of days, over which time I'll
find some energy and update you on this year's 'holiday'!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Profound Obama Speech?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/profound_obama.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/profound_obama.htm "> AOL </a>

Even Hippos Need Love:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/hippo.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/hippo.htm "> AOL </a>

If Dad Raised the Kids:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/raisekids.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/raisekids.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every
year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun
to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty!
If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going
bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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Fun4U: Little Johnny 266

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A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented
with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure
how to get the computer going.

The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most
reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name
is," then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is Little Johnny."

-=[-(r1589)--------------------------------------------------(lp:73.6%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Roll my own

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that
he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for
your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me
a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

-=[-(r2860)--------------------------------------------------(lp:73.6%)--]=-
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