MyJokeMail.com Newsletter 05/29/08

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Letter From the Editor:

Its been a long time since I've sent one of these. I wanted to let you know I'm still working on the site but things have slowed down lately and I'm hoping to have more time in the future to really ramp the site back up.

If you go the site right now you will see a new Video section that's beta. It works a lot like YouTube in that you can upload your own videos to it. Give it a try check out some of videos I've uploaded and leave some feedback. I have a bunch more to upload over the next few day an! d hopefully some of you have some videos in your email you could share with others and upload.

Keep Smiling!
Mike

http://www.myjokemail.com/
MyJokeMail Quotes of the Day:

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MyJokeMail Jokes of the Day:

THE GAY BABY submitted by rondetto

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their s! perm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

Isn't it wonderful? one fruitcake says to the other.All these unhappy children and ours is so happy.

The nurse says,Ya sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his butt.

HEATHER MILLS' DRIVER submitted by rondetto

Heather mills was being driven around the countryside in her limo.

suddenly a cow walked into the road and,unable to stop in time,the limo hit the cow.

slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.

Is it alright? ,asked Heather.

no ma'am,its dead. Said the driver

Well you were driving,so you can go a! nd tell the farmer.

so the driver went off to the nearby farm,a couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine,his clothes scruffy and messed up.

oh my god,what happened to you?,Heather exclaimed.

Well ma'am explained the driver ,the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss,and their daughter made love to me.

just what the hell did you tell them? asked Heather

I'm Heather mills driver and i've killed the cow........

THE F WORD submitted by rondetto

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the prie! st why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to list en to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an! eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!"

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*NWS (NOT WORK SAFE)*

New Scam

MySpace *NWS*

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Parking


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Jeff Dunham on Marriage

Dragon Costume

Cialis Commercial

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Third world bomb squad

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< tr>MyJokeMail Facts of the Day:



English is the only language that capitalises "I", the first person singular.

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No Holds Barred! 05-30-08

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No Holds Barred! 05-29-08

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No Holds Barred! 05-28-08

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Fun4U: Letter Shaped Rash

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A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on
her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the
shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything
which might explain it.

"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes
to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater
before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with
a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard
and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The
doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends
he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a
rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend
goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No, but my
girlfriend goes to Wisconsin!"

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Fun4U: Little Johnny CCXI

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Little Johnny comes out of his first health class, where he was told that
a boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. At lunch he looked in his
pants, and now knows what a penis looks like, so he goes off happy. When
the youngster gets home, he asks his father, "What does a vagina look
like?" The father, totally caught off guard, looks around and sees his
wife in the flower bed, so he tells his curious son that a vagina is
"one of natures' beauties, looking like a rose just starting to bloom."

Johnny goes to play in the neighborhood, and starts to repeat everything
his father has told him. He is the talk of the playground, until a
couple of older boys ask him, "So smartie pants, what does it look like
after sex?" To the horror of Little Johnny, he didn't know the answer.
Running home he sees his father in the garage and comes in yelling
"Daddy, daddy!"

The father asks, "What's wrong?" The youngster tells his father he needs
to know what a vagina looks like after sex... Again, caught off guard
by the request, his dad looks around until he sees the dog. So he tells
Johnny, "Son, do you remember what the bulldog looked like after he
got into the mayonnaise jar...?"

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No Holds Barred! 05-27-08

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JE - She Stole my Fish

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Friday 23rd May, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
alrighty folks.
I'm back on dry land after a 10 day rafting adventure to the deepest wilds of
western Nepal. Have to admit, I was a little concerned at numerous points of the trip,
firstly the 48 hours taken to drive there in a decidedly shaky bus over bumpy roads
teetering over steep ravines, followed by 7 days rafting down the infamous Karnali
river. Nearly drowned on day three, then survived a hurricane-force sandstorm/
thunderstorm on day seven, before finally returning to Kathmandu a few days ago.

I'm now in southern India - Chennai to be exact, which is the jumping off point
to the Andaman Islands, where I hope to do some diving and generally stop
shaking from 10 days of whitewater adventure!

Catch you next week, have a top weekend.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
she Stole my Fish!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fish_stolen.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fish_stolen.htm "> AOL </a>

Super Mario Flash:

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+ General Joke
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas
A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a
contemporary term. This year's term was ' Political Correctness '.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
by the clean end.'

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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No Holds Barred! 05-23-08

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Fun4U: Story Of A 1957 Date

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty
hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's
father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a
movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's
Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes
to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his
plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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Fun4U: Lucky Lawyer

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A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane
went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming
towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten.
SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was
later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks
ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."

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No Holds Barred! 05-22-08

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Everything above this line is NOT a sponsor of
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists,
--a Yale graduate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a
word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained
the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said,

"Slowly across the desert sands
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy. No way could the Alabama redneck top that,
they thought. The Alabama high school dropout calmly made his way
to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu".

The Alabama redneck won hands down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making
a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next
two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece
around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was
payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire
weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he
was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me
for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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No Holds Barred! 05-21-08

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JE - Ouch

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Wednesday 21st May, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Still on vacation!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Ouch!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/ouch.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/ouch.htm "> AOL </a>

Spot Check

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/spot.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/spot.htm "> AOL </a>

Paper Fly

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/paper.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/paper.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation
would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my
husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in
place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to
say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is
'sternum."

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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No Holds Barred! 05-20-08

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Welcome to all the new subscribers!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lawyer Q and A

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
A3: Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is
to cluck defiance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Petishun
~~~~~~~
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream
cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will
be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this
pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as
much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't
get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make
up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Several years ago, I had a real bad run of hard luck. It started out
with my favorite dog being killed by a speeding truck.
My wife filed for divorce and took nearly everything that I owned.
Still, I was thankful that I had a job but then the
company closed it's doors and Un-employment compensation just wasn't
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picking Wild Blueberries and sold them door to door for some extra
money.

I wasn't making a lot of money but at least I was getting by. I
stopped at a house one day with my tray of fresh picked
Wild Blueberries and a beautiful young lady came to the door dressed
in only a flimsey see through gown. I started
through my sales pitch but she interupted and asked me in for coffee
and whatever.

I broke down crying right there on her door step. When she asked what
was wrong, I told her of all of my woes and
losses and finally said; AND NOW,- You want to screw me out of my
Blueberries!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


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