Wednesday 31 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-31-07

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Tuesday 30 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-30-07



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I WAS going to complain about the noise but.....
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That's close enough....
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Extras...
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http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny813.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny814.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEXCONTRACT

I, _______________________, hereby surrender all
possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage,
guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1)
night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not
return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or
otherwise contact/harass co-signers of contract for a time
of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said
activities have been fulfilled.

I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers
and dirty looks in the cafeteria from friends. I will say
'hi' if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not
neutral, tone. I will also upon the completion of listed
activities not leave underwear, earrings or other
insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or
hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole
purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the
no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state
that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not
call the co-signer by any other name than is his or her
own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover
who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I
will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after
prescribed activity.

Signed, ________________

Date, __________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would
like to have a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "But this is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,
"But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room
in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant
asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I
told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me
I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand,"
I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a
show-off.

When my wife and I were separated, we went to court to fight
custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married."

The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was
married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you
doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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* Postmarked from the North Pole and mailed with a Santa stamp.
* Signed by Santa himself.
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Santa's favorite vacation spot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Hobo was cruising along in a brand new Cadillac
convertible. His friends stopped him and asked how in the
world had got hold of such a good car.

He explained, "I was sitting on the curb minding my own
business, when a beautiful girl pulls up in this car that
you see and asks, 'Want a ride?'

So I got in. We rode far out into the country,
and she stopped the car. We both got out.

'Kiss me' she said.

So I kissed her. Then she disrobed, and stood there in all
her feminine beauty, dressed only in her panties. Holding
her arms out towards me she said, 'You can have anything
I've got.'

Well I could see that her panties would never fit me and so
I took the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Backyard Makeover on us! (a $1000 value)
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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


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JE - Watch the Ice

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+ New Funny Pics:
Watch the Ice
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Escaping Paris

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+ General Joke
I was visiting by brother's family recently, watching nieces and
nephews chase their new kitten around. The kitten would escape
pursuit by jumping up on the sill of an open window, and I warned
them, "Hey, be careful kitty doesn't defenestrate herself!".

My brother, who I consider well educated, asked me what the heck
'defenestrated' meant, so I told him to look it up. He produced a
fairly thick paperback dictionary, flipped through it for a few
seconds, and declared that it wasn't a real word.

I took the dictionary from him and looked, and sure enough there was
no listing for 'defenestrate'. So, I threw it out the window.


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Monday 29 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-29-07



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  No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.


      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

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True love...of what?
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HANG UP! You're gonna love this one!
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nuts & bolts ...
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Mona Lisa Wardrobe malfunction
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Protest
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So... Who's Richard?...
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A really happy gingerbread couple!
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...before he nneds glasses
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It'll never work Harry
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Mexifornia
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She said it would be fifty bucks...
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http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny810.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny811.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies
class his teacher was talking about peoples last
names, about how in the old days their last name used
to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker,
which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller
meant that person worked in a mill, and so on.
Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher
said "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well whats your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, "What did John Hancock do
for a living?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Myrddin returned home one night to find his wife lying
naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to
strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in
the ashtray beside the bed.

"All right," Myrddin shouted, "I demand to know where
this cigar came from!"

A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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* Postmarked from the North Pole and mailed with a Santa stamp.
* Signed by Santa himself.
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Also available - a "Good Boy/Girl Certificate" as well as
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Top 10 a.k.a.'s for high-tech outlaws

1.  Son of SIMM: His random acts of murder (RAM) are some of the
most shocking in recent memory.  Hates his motherboard.

2.  Billy the CAD: Fastest drawing program in the West.

3.  Pretty eBay Floyd: Modern-day Robin Hood auctions
faux antiques to the rich and donates the spoils to failing dot-coms.

4.  Bugsy C++-gul: A good coder gone bad.

5.  Ted Bondi Blue: Set out to write a virus to attack Power Macs and
iMacs but switched to PCs when he discovered VBScript.

6.  James URL Ray: Assassinated the leader of the 32-bit color
coalition.

7.  Hack the Ripper: Brutally rips MP3s and burns them
to CDs.   Displays total disregard for copyright laws.

8.  SCSI Borden: Gave her mother 40 Macs.

9.  John Dellinger: Escaped from prison brandishing a Latitude carved
from soap.

10.  John WAN Gacy: Your child's worst nightmare: A network
administrator, a basement, and a clown suit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Backyard Makeover on us! (a $1000 value)
Participation Required - See site for details

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Mover.html
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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


For MORE Great Entertainment Visit:
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Saturday 27 October 2007

Fun4U: Cockpit


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Maudie is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. Once in the air the loudspeaker
    comes on "This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at
    35,000 feet...etc. etc." When the announcement is finished Maudie
    beckons to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great
    big airplane is being flown by a woman?"
 
 "Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."
 
 "How wonderful!" Maudie replied "I am so excited! Do you think you can
    arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"
 
 "Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the
    co-pilot is also a woman."
 
 "Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit
    so I can congratulate them both!"
 
 "OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire
    crew of this plane are women."
 
 "That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ...this has
    really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express
    my admiration!"
 
 "One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the cockpit
    any more."
 
-=[-(r2218)--------------------------------------------------(lp:69.2%)--]=-
-=[  latest jokes online at  http://funworld.hehe.at/archive/?id=latest ]=-
-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/2218                ]=-
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Fun4U: Three Blackbirds


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There are three Blackbirds on the roof of a house. A hunter shoots one
    of them with his rifle. How many of the blackbirds are left on the roof?
 
 Answer Number 1) None, if the dead bird falls off and the rest fly away.
 Answer Number 2) Three. If the roof is so flat that the dead bird does not
    fall off the roof, and the other birds are not scared off by the shot.
 Answer Number 3) One, the roof is flat and the bird does not fall off,
    but the other birds fly away.
 Answer Number 4) Two, if the dead bird falls off but the others stay. or
    if the dead bird does not fall off, and one of the others flies away.
 
-=[-(r1799)--------------------------------------------------(lp:69.2%)--]=-
-=[  latest jokes online at  http://funworld.hehe.at/archive/?id=latest ]=-
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No Holds Barred! 10-26-07

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JE - Spending the Beer?

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WEEKEND!!

Tom Evans
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The Purr of Death

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Britney Belly

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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/brit_belly.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real
breasts and the men didn't hold hands

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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday 25 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-25-07



===========================================================

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      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

       Welcome to all the new subscribers!
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Serious disorder
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...as dumb as all of us!
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Just had to look
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Who's to say what's normal?
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Airbag...
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Doing the work of.....
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We can resolve this....
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Looks like they come in peace
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Lots Of Them
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Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1078.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1079.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1080.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shane invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Shane's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Shane and his roommate and this only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Shane and the roommate. Reading his mom's thoughts, Shane
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Kerry and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Kerry came to Shane and said, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle."

"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Shane said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write her an email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you
did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Later in the day Shane received an email from his mother
which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
Kerry, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Kerry.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about
those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that." She
continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going
to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. But, the most
important, point is if he is going to try to get on top of
you and have his way with you don't let him do that. It will
disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on
her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about
it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went
just as the way she adviced. She said, "Grandmother, I
didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned
him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Backyard Makeover on us! (a $1000 value)
Participation Required - See site for details

Choose:
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OSH
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends
was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came
home around 11:30 PM.

One night she decided to try not to disturb him. She
undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed
nude into the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up
in bed reading.

"Now, what?!!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get a personalized letter from Santa to your child.

Letter includes:
* Your child's name, home town, and best friends name.
* Postmarked from the North Pole and mailed with a Santa stamp.
* Signed by Santa himself.
* High quality paper and stationary.

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Santa.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Santa.html">Here</a>

Also available - a "Good Boy/Girl Certificate" as well as
a follow up postcard from Santa sent after Christmas from
Santa's favorite vacation spot.


More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


For MORE Great Entertainment Visit:
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JE - Writing a Short Story

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Wednesday 24th October, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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Keep that chin up folks. Nearly the weekend..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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Writing a Short Story 101
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Art of Photo-Shopping
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+ General Joke
From http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071023/ap_on_el_pr/clinton_marriage :

WASHINGTON - Hillary Rodham Clinton says husband Bill often brings her
romantic gifts: a giant wooden giraffe from an African trip, for example,
and a Chanel watch that reminded him of teeth.


"Oh he's so romantic," the former first lady said in an interview for the
November issue of Essence magazine. "I hear he gave Monica a watch that
reminded him of toothless gums."


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Wednesday 24 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-24-07

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Fun4U: You're stupid !!!


-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
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-=[   un/subscribe requests @ http://www.hehe.at/funworld/fun4you.html  ]=-
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Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
 
 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 A few clowns short of a circus.
 A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
 An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
 A few beers short of a six-pack.
 Dumber than a box of hair.
 A few peas short of a casserole.
 Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
 A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
 The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
 One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
 One taco short of a combination plate.
 A few feathers short of a whole duck.
 The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
 All foam, no beer.
 The cheese slid off his cracker.
 Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
 Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
 Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
 Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
 An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
 As smart as bait.
 Chimney's clogged.
 Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
 Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
 Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
 Forgot to pay his brain bill.
 His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
 His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
 If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
 Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
 No grain in the silo.
 Receiver is off the hook.
 Several nuts short of a full pouch.
 Skylight leaks a little.
 Slinky's kinked.
 Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
 
-=[-(r1035)--------------------------------------------------(lp:69.0%)--]=-
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-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/1035                ]=-
-=[       to rate this joke from 1 to 5.                                 ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

Fun4U: The Navigator


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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
    placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator,
    "Do you know what I use this for?"
 
 The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
 
 The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
 
 The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
 
 The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
 
 "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
    you will."
 
-=[-(r2450)--------------------------------------------------(lp:69.0%)--]=-
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Tuesday 23 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-23-07

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JE - New iPod Shuffle Launch

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 22nd October, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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place with my new role in Risk!

Tom Evans
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Dog In Hiding From Hitman
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Crunched Speedboat
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+ General Joke
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are
you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out,
and I'm a little scared." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when
you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A
circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."


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Monday 22 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-22-07



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Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!


Talk about a terrible job!
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Evaluation day!
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Calendar
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Pssst....
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You're a FAG
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Arabian Nights
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You don't talk much... I like that in a man!
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...it just looks soft.
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I'll put the seats back on!
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Find out how he's hung!
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Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
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'This Old Basement'
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Extras...
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http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1061.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1062.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one
warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards,
they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards
where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream,
left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the
same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after
just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence
again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.
But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know
what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked
woman, I would turn to stone...."

"And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two male friends were out hiking one day.   One of the friends
step behind a tree to take a piss.  As his penis was hanging
out a rattle snake jumped out of the bushes and bit it.  He
fell out near his friend moaning and holding his penis,
crying "A rattle snake just bit my penis, quick call a
hospital on your cell phone and find out what to do."
When his friend got a hold of a doctor he was told, he would
have to suck out the poison.  He went over to his fiend and
his friend said, "what did the doctor say?"
He looked at his friend's penis then back at his friend and
said, "He says your going to die!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Saturday 20 October 2007

JE - First Date Guarantee

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Tom Evans
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Dental Hygiene
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+ General Joke
From

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071013/ap_on_fe_st/odd_accused_dentist

"WOODLAND, Calif. - A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female
patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest
massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's
lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral
muscles to treat a common jaw problem."


Apparently, the courts will gladly nip his practice in the bud.

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Friday 19 October 2007

No Holds Barred! 10-19-07

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