No Holds Barred! 10-30-07

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SEXCONTRACT

I, _______________________, hereby surrender all
possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage,
guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1)
night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not
return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or
otherwise contact/harass co-signers of contract for a time
of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said
activities have been fulfilled.

I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers
and dirty looks in the cafeteria from friends. I will say
'hi' if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not
neutral, tone. I will also upon the completion of listed
activities not leave underwear, earrings or other
insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or
hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole
purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the
no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state
that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not
call the co-signer by any other name than is his or her
own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover
who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I
will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after
prescribed activity.

Signed, ________________

Date, __________

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Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would
like to have a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "But this is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,
"But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room
in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant
asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I
told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me
I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand,"
I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a
show-off.

When my wife and I were separated, we went to court to fight
custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married."

The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was
married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you
doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

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