Saturday 15 August 2009

JE - The Race ..

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+ The Starter
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I promised on Wednesday, so I feel I can now provide you with
the detail of the most exciting travel excursion / activity
of 2009 (and maybe the decade..)

Based (loosely) on television game shows, myself and 14 friends
(mainly from the office), are jetting off 'blind' to an unknown
destination in mainland Europe. Once there, after a few glasses
of vino and some fresh seafood perhaps (or Maccy Ds and a coke)
it will be revealed where our flights home are already booked from..

.. in 72 hours.

Thus, The Race begins with 5 teams attempting to make it to the
final destination:
a) before everyone else
b) in time for your booked flight home

Failure to meet condition B will result in an extremely costly
flight home I am sure, and probably an enforced 'missed' day from work.
Which isn't a great thing to be doing in these times of job cuts.

So the race is on.

And I can't WAIT!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
After his recent hole in one, Frank and his buddies were hanging out and
planning a 3-day golf outing.


Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't allow it.


After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally
frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf
resort to play golf, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the
lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!


"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?"


"I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last I night I slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, the wife snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her hands back,
she was standing there in beautiful see through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do
whatever you want'.....


SO, HERE I AM!"

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Thursday 13 August 2009

JE - Jacko's Tag

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+ The Starter
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So it's Wednesday 12th August. A mere four short weeks precisely
to what we have collectively termed 'The Race' at work.

15 guys, 2 flights, 4 days, limited cash.
I will explain all on Friday.

Something to look forward to then!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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Incan Princess
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+ General Joke
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of
the homes there.


Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.


Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the
way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.


Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do
you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back
again?"


Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was
going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!"


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Tuesday 11 August 2009

JE - Swine Flu Symptoms

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+ The Starter
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Yo folks. Well I had a hectic week at work last week, therefore
JokeEmail didn't quite make it out of my inbox. I apologies profusely but
things just seem a little crazy at the moment. Unemployment up, England losing
at cricket, my bank balance teetering down near zero... it could also be the 80s.

On the bright side, it's Edinburgh Festival season, which means plenty of shows and
fun in my city for the next three weeks or so. I'll be honest, if I was a decent
host, I would provide a review or two on the shows I've seen, however I haven't made
it through the throngs of tourists to the festival shows yet, and I've already had
enough of the gawping visitors stopping dead in their tracks to stare at the Castle.

It's just a big building on a rock!!

Rant over, I'll return you to the bosom of the humor..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
Swine Flu various..

I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers. Another is
that you get the trotts.


I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?


The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it
must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!


The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal
application of 'oinkment'. IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS
ITS ONLY SPAM.


This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1
neuraminidase protein 1.


Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going
to be cured anyway!


News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the
aporkalypse.


A new film is being planned, called "Aporkalypse Now", with Kevin Bacon in
the lead role.


Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure
when pigs fly.


I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then,
isn't it?


This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic,
don't believe the spam you're getting.

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Saturday 1 August 2009

JE - Gutter Ball

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+ The Starter
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and the weekend lands! I'm off to a wedding in Ireland.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
Royal Doulton have decided not to issue a range of figurative Michael Jackson china

mugs.After the best efforts of their finest artists QA feel that they still cannot get

the nose right.

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Thursday 30 July 2009

JE - Thankyou Japan

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+ The Starter
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Keep laughing

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."


Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big sh1t that he really was."

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Tuesday 28 July 2009

JE - Cat Norris

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+ The Starter
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Enjoy the jokes, folks.
Was away for the weekend in a footy tournament. Got beat!! Bad!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.


After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.


Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.


I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.


Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.


Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.


Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.


I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.


I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.


I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.


So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!


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Friday 24 July 2009

JE - Swine Flu Medication

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+ The Starter
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So Friday is nearly upon us!
I haven't contracted swine flu yet.. best get some Tamiflu regardless!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
My brother invited his boss to dinner.While waiting for my sister in
law to bring the roast to the table, the boss asked my teenage neice
what she was going to do in the summer holidays.

"I've got a job at the local garage," she replied,"I'm in charge of
the car and lorry wash."

"Oh that's all automated now, isn't it?" said the boss.

"No the wash is manual but we've just installed a mechanical air
drying system....."

His wife came into the room just in time to hear her daughter say,

"....so when the drivers come in, first I give them a hand j0b and the
I give them a blow."

And that is how the roast hit the carpet.


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Tuesday 21 July 2009

JE - Swine Flu

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+ The Starter
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Afternoon folks.
So the start of a new week on the anniversary of man reaching the moon.
Personally, nothing fascinates me more than Apollo 11 and all it encompasses.
No jokes attached, I find it remarkable that Armstrong et al would go to the moon
knowing they only had about a 50/50 chance of coming home. That's balls folks..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&;M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing
up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when
cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.


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Wednesday 8 July 2009

JE - Mr Awesome

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Here it is folks..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."


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Tuesday 7 July 2009

Fun4U: 100 Camels

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As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a
    Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.  An Arab salesman
    approached them carrying belts.
 
 After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they
    were from.
 
 "America," the husband replied.
 
 Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.  "She's not
    from the States."
 
 "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your
    husband?" "Yes." she replied.
 
 Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for
    her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
    Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
 
 After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband
    what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was
    trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
 
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Fun4U: Just Counting

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There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21,
    21, 21..."
 
 Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?"
 
 The brunette replies, "Just counting."
 
 The blonde says, "May I join you?"
 
 "Yes," replies the brunette.
 
 So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad
    tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..."
 
 A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit.
 
 After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22,
    22, 22..."
 
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Sunday 5 July 2009

Fun4U: Babies ....

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Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine
    months to download."
 
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Fun4U: Little Johnny 28

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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
    that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who
    answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On
    the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in
    the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday,
    the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again
    no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next
    Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
 
 So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them
    black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At
    the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's
    question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong
    balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
    find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
    The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
    Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya
    on Tuesday!"
 
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Saturday 4 July 2009

JE - Wimbledon

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+ The Starter
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Here it is folks..

Tom Evans
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John and Mary's Memories
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/john.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/john.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the
car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared
in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed,
"Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver
sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger
rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
"What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"


The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"
to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.


A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The
driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a
light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.


"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window
and shakily said, "Yes?"


"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw
a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"


They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they
had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.


"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and
screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"


The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the
mud?"

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Tuesday 30 June 2009

JE - Get Along

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+ The Starter
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Here it is folks..

Tom Evans
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Hidden in Time: Mirror Mirror
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The Hidden Object Show Combo Pack
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/combo.htm
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+ General Joke

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing
was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing,
when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the
procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse
passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he
resume playing, driving his ball to the green.

As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, "That was
a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no
idea you were so sentimental."


The first man shrugged and said, "It's the least I could do. I was
married to her for thirty years."

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Wednesday 24 June 2009

JE - Where's McCain when you need him

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+ The Starter
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Howdy all.
So I had a very quiet and relaxed weekend. Just one of those "chill
at home and do nothing" type weekends, when you're literally struggling
to fill the hours between meals. Nothing better.

Plus, I've quit the beer for the month of June, so I'm feeling healthier
and richer as we move towards festival and party high season. T in the Park
(http://www.tinthepark.com) beckons within weeks, and you simply cannot
beat a bit of Blur, Elbow, Editors and Razorlight (plus the Killers).

Still, the sun is shining here in Scotland for once, so I'd rather be outside!
So, have a good day, and catch up with you all tomorrow...

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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Where's McCain when you need him
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Return to Ravenhearst
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The Earth is Flat
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+ General Joke
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.


"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?

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Monday 22 June 2009

Fun4U: World's Smallest Books

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A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
 A Guide To Australian Etiquette
 A Millenium Of German Humor
 Anagrams Of The Word "A"
 Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
 'Behave Yourself' by David Letterman
 Blacks I Met While Rowing
 Blind Dates That Worked Out
 Burger King Items That Start With "Mc"
 Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
 Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
 Detroit - A Travel Guide
 Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
 Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
 Everything Men Know About Women
 Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
 Feminists Worth Marrying
 French Hospitality
 French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins
 Fun With Unix
 George Bush: 'The Wild Years'
 Good English Cooking
 Good Norwegian Jokes
 Household Uses For Plutonium
 'How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse Jackson
 Italian War Heroes
 Jewish Sports Legends
 'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray Charles
 Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
 Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
 Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
 'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat
 'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova
 'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson
 'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan
 National Directory Of Irish AA Members
 Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid
 One-Legged Folk Dances
 'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro
 Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
 Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
 Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain
 Romantic Words Beginning With "X"
 Satan's Love Letters
 Scottish World Cup Successes
 Sign Language For The Blind
 Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
 Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
 The Genius Of Barry Manilow
 'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin
 The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
 Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
 Things That Taste Better With Arsenic
 Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
 Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
 Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas
 'Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace
 Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation
 
 (See also JokeNr: )
 
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Fun4U: Little Johnny CLXXXIX

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HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
 JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
 
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Sunday 21 June 2009

Fun4U: Attitude and Bullshit

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We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How
    about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove
    helpful in the future.
 
 If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
 can be represented as:
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
 
 Then, by adding the values of the letters, we see that
 
 H A R D W O R K
 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%, and
 
 K N O W L E D G E
 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% but
 
 A T T I T U D E
 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 % and
 
 B U L L S H I T
 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
 
 So, it may be argued that though hard work and knowledge will get you
    close, it's attitude and bullshit that put you over the top.
 
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Fun4U: Another "all my life" story

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Fact can be funnier than fiction. Here is another true story:
 
 My brother's future mother-in-law held an engagement party. When I entered
    the room she shouted across the room for all to hear (and be impressed
    by): "Oh Harry! Where have you been all my life?"
 
 My reply was "Well, for the first thirty years I easn't even born."
 
 That was thirty years ago, and during all this time she has never spoken
    to me once.
 
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Saturday 20 June 2009

JE - Finland the superpower

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Weekend has landed!!!

Tom Evans
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Easy Meal in Africa
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Frogs in Love
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+ General Joke
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the
eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?
The a4shole is usually the one in charge.

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Thursday 18 June 2009

Fun4U: Punishing the Rabbi

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It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud,
    looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why,
    it's a rabbi. And he's playing golf on Yom Kippur.
 
 "Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest
    day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
 
 "... Whatcha gonna do?"
 
 "Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
 
 So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his
    shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air,
    higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then
    slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards
    the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
 
 "Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in
    one!" complains the angel.
 
 "You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
 
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Fun4U: Little Johnny 194

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The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students:
 
 "Now tell me what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
    are no longer interested?"
 
 Little Johnny, sitting in the back row replied "A Teacher"
 
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JE - Swine Flu

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+ The Starter
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Hey folks.

Well, I thought I'd give a quick update on my activities over the last
few weeks. Firstly, I rocked up to my mate Greg's stag do down in the
surf capital of the UK - Newquay, Cornwall!

Now, I'm not the best surfer in the world, especially after a few jars in
one the most hellishly small towns that happen to be full of stag and hen
parties. I just wanted to chill out, relax, have a few beers. Is this
what middle age feels like?! The funniest part of the weekend though -
without a shadow of a doubt - was our friend being 'escorted' from a strip
club by a bouncer. His crime? Providing 'feedback' to the dancer on her
form.

Quote: "How was that?"
Reply: "I've had better."

Priceless.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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Swine Flu
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Freestyle With Footballs
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+ General Joke
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it..


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start...'

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Tuesday 16 June 2009

JE - Bravery

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+ The Starter
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Welcome to a new week!
Got some time this week to keep you posted on my adventures
and travails over the last fortnight. Watch out Weds!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


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+ General Joke
Follow these carefully!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card..
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with Pin written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


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Saturday 13 June 2009

Fun4U: Chocolate

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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
    too slowly.
 
 Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
    count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
 
 The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
    car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
 
 Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
    your appetite and you'll eat less.
 
 A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
    in one place. Isn't that handy?
 
 If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
    you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
 
 If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
    fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
    chocolate to protect themselves.
 
 If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
    balanced diet?
 
 Money talks. Chocolate sings.
 
 Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
 
 Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because
    no one wants to quit.
 
 If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
    entire garment industry would be devastated.
 
 Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
    way, at least you'll get one thing done.
 
 I may be a chocoholic, but at least I follow the rules...
 
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Fun4U: Religious Tech Support

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Ring ring...
 
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 
 Sinner:  I seem to have lost my faith.
 
 God:  Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?
 
 Sinner:  Ummm...  lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been
    a priest.
 
 God:  And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services©?
 
 Sinner:  Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
    Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
 
 God:  Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted
    your faith?
 
 Sinner:  Not that I can think of...
 
 God:  Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
    Simple Lies ©*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there
    is that Guy Peter at Fun4U Humor List!  Have your Ears downloaded
    anything that might be construed as corrupting?
 
 Sinner:  Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was
    asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires
    of hell.
 
 God:  What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
    you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let
    you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell.
    Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
 
 Sinner:  And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
 
 God:  Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible? and
    recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
    passages about Judas.ini ©.  You can also find some help in the Psalms
    100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with
    a complete lack of Faith.
 
 Sinner:  And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?
 
 God:  Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
    Lotus Devout?, Microsoft Seminary Plus?, and Netscape Hereafter Browser?.
    If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting
    sources, you should be fine.
 
 Sinner:  Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot,
    I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
 
 God:  Go in Peace? my son.
 
 Ring ring...
 
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 
 Sinner:  Hello, I am now Jewish?...
 
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Friday 12 June 2009

Fun4U: Not In The Book

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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
 
 St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
    written in it.
 
 After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
    and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
 
 "How current is your copy?" he asks.
 
 "I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
 
 "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was
    not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name
    probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
 
 "I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the
    update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that
    you did in your life?"
 
 The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time
    when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members
    harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
    were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got
    out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
    leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a
    studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
    As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me
    and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
 
 "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the
    head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of
    them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK,
    deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
 
 St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
 
 "About three minutes ago."
 
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Fun4U: We are Lost

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An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally
    they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the
    gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and
    asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
 
 The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
 
 The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really
    are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
 
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