Friday 29 February 2008
No Holds Barred! 02-29-08
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Just Don't Care
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Another "Priceless"
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Would You?
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Help
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Nature Trail - Warning
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Last Meal
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Might Get Lucky
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Just a Few Miles
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Nice Words
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1039.html
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Cutprice Vasectomy
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1040.html
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Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1216.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1217.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1218.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1084.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1085.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1086.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and
tells the class of officers that the session will focus on
potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the
officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is
surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General,
we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war,
it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For
example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting
against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners
every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy
friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and
client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work
and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back
with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him
for his services.
"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five
hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill,
replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the
lawyer with a smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female
Kentuckian patient. "Until the antibiotics clean out your infection,
you are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that
'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fun4U: New State Slogans
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Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!
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Fun4U: Hunting Season
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Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they
head back to camp together. As they make their way along the path, they
hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging
down a hillside. Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear's
intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately
takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from
his hunting boots to tennis shoes. The other hunter bewildered asks
"You don't really think you can out run that bear do you?"
The first hunter replies, "No, but I can outrun you."
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Thursday 28 February 2008
No Holds Barred! 02-28-08
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Welcome to all the new subscribers!
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What A Cake
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Bad!
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Wash Here
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Ow Clock
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Bothers You?
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Thought Processes...
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Spread Eagle
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Looks Good, But.....
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Life is Short
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Lower your Sights
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Good Place to Eat
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1020.html
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Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1162.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1163.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1164.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1204.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1205.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1206.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying,
but I remember the guy you're talking about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lesbonics
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they
can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their
heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
continued...
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Finger paint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma
(Pleural, Lung, Chest), or Asbestos Cancer you may be entitled
to collect Millions of Dollars from negligent companies who
have set aside billions to pay victims.
Don't hesitate to seek justice for the damages you or your loved
ones have suffered!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Symptoms.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Symptoms.html">Here</a>
More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!
Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!
===========================================================
For MORE Great Entertainment Visit:
http://www.AikensLaughs.com
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JE - Start Dancing
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Wednesday 27th February, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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I'm off on hols folks. See you Monday!
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Editor - Joke Email
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+ General Joke
A customer at the Walmart's fresh fish counter marvelled at the
fishmonger's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Fishmonger, what makes you so brainy?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the fishmonger replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a
good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $2 a piece," he says
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " said the fishmonger. The customer goes home
with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's
really angry.
"Hey you," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $2 apiece when I
can buy the whole fish for a $1. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" said the Fishmonger. "You're more intelligent already."
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Wednesday 27 February 2008
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Fun4U: Employee Assessment
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Memo: Prospective Employee Assessment
To: All Managers
Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment
The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they have left early, put them in Sales.
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Fun4U: Words of Wisdom
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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame
the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the
boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.
Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes
that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to
see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were
probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the
donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.
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JE - Water on Mars Discovery
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Monday 25th February, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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Ronald McDonald Insanity
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+ General Joke
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turns 34. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House floor
on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
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Monday 25 February 2008
Saturday 23 February 2008
JE - Tasty Snack for George..
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Google and the NSA
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+ General Joke
Straight from the CNN website:
An outage has disconnected BlackBerry smart phones across North America.
There's no word on the cause or when the problem might be fixed.
BlackBerry maker Research in Motion did not immediately return a phone
call.
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Friday 22 February 2008
No Holds Barred! 02-21-08
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Welcome to all the new subscribers!
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I see your problem....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1710.html
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Retirement
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1711.html
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This is WHY you don't cheat ...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1712.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1712.html">Here!</a>
...use it on the leaves!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1713.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1713.html">Here!</a>
Booby trapped
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1714.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1714.html">Here!</a>
He'll never hear the end of it from the rest of the herd!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1715.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1715.html">Here!</a>
Wanna ride?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1716.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1716.html">Here!</a>
You & King Kong?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1717.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1717.html">Here!</a>
In the divorce settlement
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1516.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1516.html">Here!</a>
Jealous?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1517.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1517.html">Here!</a>
Kissing ass?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1518.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1518.html">Here!</a>
Now why is he pulling them over?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1519.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1519.html">Here!</a>
Redneck breast self-exam
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1520.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1520.html">Here!</a>
Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1033.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1034.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1035.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a
cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to
sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting
rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention
called a condom which works really well for this problem.
You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put
the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all
later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could
find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the
pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked
up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do
for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon
enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said
the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was
almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his
professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large,
extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size
for a Camel?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They
undress and step in the showers before they realize there is
no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the
showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading
his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and
freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. 'Oh look,' says the second
nun, 'a soap dispenser.'
To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure
enough he drops the last bar of soap.
The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three
times.
Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her
delight she yells, 'Look, hand cream!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma
(Pleural, Lung, Chest), or Asbestos Cancer you may be entitled
to collect Millions of Dollars from negligent companies who
have set aside billions to pay victims.
It is particularly important to check with a doctor if any of
the following symptoms develop:
• Shortness of breath, wheezing, or hoarseness.
• A persistent cough that gets worse over time. • Blood in the
sputum (fluid) coughed up. • Pain or tightening in the chest.
• Difficulty swallowing. • Swelling of the neck or face.
• Loss of appetite. • Weight loss. • Fatigue or anemia.
• Fever, night sweat
Don't hesitate to seek justice for the damages you or your loved
ones have suffered!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Symptoms.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Symptoms.html">Here</a>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone
with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call
me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved
that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do
they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that
stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier
with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But
do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make
sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lunch for a year could be yours.
Win lunch for a year or take the cash!
($1,500 value)
Answer a few questions in a short questionnaire for
your entry to win.
Go
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Lunch.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Lunch.html">Here</a>
More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!
Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!
===========================================================
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Thursday 21 February 2008
JE - Fidel Retires - To Pursue new Career
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this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.
+ The Starter
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Here it is folks..
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
Fidel Retires - To Pursue new Career!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fidel_retires.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fidel_retires.htm "> AOL </a>
Laura Bush Smoking & Drinking
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bush.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bush.htm "> AOL </a>
Asleep 19 Years
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/asleep.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/asleep.htm "> AOL </a>
+ General Joke
NEW YORK (CAP) - In a sign that her campaign is changing tactics and
embracing the "underdog" meme, Hillary Clinton is reaching out to
another recent underdog for help in turning her political fortunes
around: New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning.
"My friend and fellow New Yorker Eli showed that you never give up
when a popular afro-american man is barreling towards you. You scramble
out of the pocket and make something happen," Clinton told a cheering
crowd at the El Paso Chuck E. Cheese on Sunland Park Drive. "Well, now
it's fourth and long and I'm looking downfield for Texas and Ohio!"
For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm
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This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X
© Copyright 2008 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Fun4U: Reason
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"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you
came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot
your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her
lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different
man every day!"
-=[-(r2185)--------------------------------------------------(lp:70.6%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Jury-selection Process
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As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a
computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county
to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer
assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are
placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection
for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any
reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he
replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I
guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.
-=[-(r1434)--------------------------------------------------(lp:70.6%)--]=-
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-=[ NEW! Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/1434 ]=-
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-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
JE - Good and Fast
Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Tuesday 19th February, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Tuesdays are rubbish. I think that is true.
One good aspect of Tuesdays, is when I forget to send out Joke Email on a
Monday, so your first edition of the week finds its way to your good self
on a Tuesday!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
Cheap, Fast, Good
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/good-cheap-fast.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/good-cheap-fast.htm "> AOL </a>
Smile It's The Laughing Ape
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/smile.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/smile.htm "> AOL </a>
Punish the Liver
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/liver.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/liver.htm "> AOL </a>
+ General Joke
So waterboarding is legal, according to the Bush administration.
You know, this'll make the Congressional hearings into Executive
Branch misbehavior much more interesting.
I wonder how far back I'll have to sit to be outside the splash zone.
For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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© Copyright 2008 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday 19 February 2008
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