Joke Compilations: Friday Humour

[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]

G'day

Yesterday I celebrated my first month of early retirement and I have to say
it's got a lot going for it. Of course I miss the daily repartee at work
and the lunchtime card games, but I'll never miss the alarm going off
every day at 6:06 am.

Besides wrecking my arm unsuccessfully trying to scale an 8 foot high
security fence after poor old neighbour Mavis had locked herself out
(again!) it's been all good. I've been to the sea baths almost every
other day (that's second day for non-Americans), to a couple of live
matinee plays on the cheap at the Arts Centre, up the top of Mount
Dandenong on public transport, to several movies, the pub or course, and
started playing croquet. It's mostly hit and giggle but it's fun to get
out in the sun and play with all those coloured balls. Are there any
croquet players amongst our readers?

Rather than come up with my own editorial this week I'm taking the easy way
out and am going to plagiarise the cartoon by Leunig in yesterday's The
Age.
I found it too late to get the pic file onto our server so will type it out
instead. Leunig is a deep thinker, and is not adverse to upsetting people
and groups. But he certainly makes you think. And that's something we
must never stop doing ..
.

The cartoon is very simple. It has a pink heart on the left, and on the
right are four personal ads from a dating column.

AMBITIOUS insecure megalomaniac with paranoia and nuclear arsenal seeks
Aussie for genuine mateship.

BELLIGERENT empire builder, into torture, human rights abuses and military
invasion seeks easygoing Aussie for mateship.

SMALLISH, well presented, sensible Aussie seeks big, strong, tough guy with
powerful weapons for mateship.

HI THERE! I tell lies, I defy international law, I wreck cities with bombs,
I kill thousands of civilians, I ruin people's lives, I destroy culture and
civic infrastructure and poison other people's environment with depleted
uranium ...aaaannnd, I'm looking for a nice, bubbly Aussie to be my best
mate. Interested?

Food for thought indeed ...

Our own Croydon Caz from Surrey, UK has setup her own portal at YouTube.
Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/cazzyweb

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First up this week from the Castlehill Bookends

The Club

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few
beers the Smartie says 'Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club,
fancy tagging along?'

The Jelly Baby says 'No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my
head kicked in.'

So Smartie says 'Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look
after you.'

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says 'Fair enough, as long as
you'll look after me', and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at
Jelly
Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly
head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes
up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says 'I thought you were
going to look after me.'

'I was!' says Smartie, 'But those Lockets are fucking menthol ...

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From Stephen The Joker

Real Programmers

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works - with
computers.
He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he
would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this
opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the
office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on
recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about
operating system security and how to get around it.

At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the
sand.

A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows.

At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he
almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could
trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is
an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the
amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or
her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in
roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.

Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,
there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the
cups will contain Orange Crush.

Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the
Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.

Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.

Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese
bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get
any worse while waiting in the vending machine.

Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff
Oreos for special occasions.

Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the
previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
documentation.
Leave that to the maintainence people.)

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a
stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad
response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance
to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging
by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three
50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager,
who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a
convenient excuse for not doing the documentation.

In general:

No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at night.)

Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know!]

Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does,
however,
know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table.

Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at
three in the morning.

Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

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The Duke of Barsinov sent this in

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 7:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those f**king kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling s*x jokes around you.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Pal Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a kebab at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your
stomach.

19. If you're a girl, you go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit - what happened?

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Whizzbang sent this in

The Life of a Man

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For
this,
I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

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Here's a couple from Zalaga not far from UK Smithie

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"OUR FIRST WINTER "

DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and
covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree
and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved.
I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a
snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball
fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back
and joined in their fun.

DEC26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both
our cars. Fell on my bum on the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was
broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to
work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing..
Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered
in salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing
to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree
burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking
deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put
on every article of clothing just to go to the post box, the little gits
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little sods backside it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough I'll
chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he accelerates down the street like Michael "fucking" Schumacher and
buries the fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th
6 more sodding inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and
god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months
time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick. Can' t move
my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.. Minus 20 and more
fucking snow forecast

FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

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A Maths equation

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far arse kissing will take you.

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Arse kissing that will put you over the top!

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These from David O

True Love

An old couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep,
but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to
sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he
threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

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State Fair

Morris and his wife, esther went to the state fair every year. Every year,
morris would say, "esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know morris, but that helicopter ride is 50
dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

A few years later, esther and morris went to the fair.

Morris said, "esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter
now,
I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, That helicopter is 50 dollars and $50 dollars is
50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50
dollars." Morris and esther agreed - and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers. But not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to morris.

He said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but
you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out -
But 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

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And these came from Smithie, the Sherriff of Nottingham

Breeding Sheep

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So,
he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning
home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying
in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Japanese man back,
shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little
Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You
sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by
his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?"

The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

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Joke Compilations

Friday, 2 March 2007

Friday Humour

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