No Holds Barred! 03-26-07

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The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked
him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition.  First, we give you a
gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable.  The
silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but
less malleable.  When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as
valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the
eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star.  That answer
your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant
Commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history.  Back to the
Garden of Eden even.  You see, we've always covered our
pricks with leaves...

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Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed
away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of
heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were
hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down
below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb,
truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in
heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven,
and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like
Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people,
does it pay to cook?"

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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
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 I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
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 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
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 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
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 I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too
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 If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
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 Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the
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 I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am
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 Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
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 How come we choose from just two people to run for
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 The next time you feel like complaining remember:
 Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
 thirty percent of the people in this world.

 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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