My favourite contribution this week is a topical one (here in Oz) sent in
by Anonymous:
A. Her Story
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised -
but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to
cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked
him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply,
and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means
because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries
me.
We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I
tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV,
and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to day that it's all
over between us.
Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and
we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is
seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.
B. His Story
Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.
Truckloads of stuff this week. Here is the written stuff sent in by
Maayan, Kevin in sunny Adelaide, Stonefish, Croydon Caz, KRP from Coffs
Harbour ,Cartographer Chris, Zalaga in the UK, Moose, Digi
Maria, Nottingham Smithie , Burnout, Castlehill Books Mob, Whizzbang and
Anonymous.
Rat For Sale
A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he
noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price
tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it
to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for
the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man
gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be
bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him
grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot
towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats
numbered in the thousands, maybe in the Millions and they were all
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified he ran to
the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbour
as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water
after it, and were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha,"
said the owner, "You're bringing it back!" "Actually no" said the man. "I
came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Muslim over
there."
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Truckie joke
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing
in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill,
rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as
much as I can do. So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off.
A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man the
middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window
and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty" the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as
can do." He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A
little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of
the road. Really annoyed now, he stops,
rolls down the window and snaps "Yes," you silly little blue queer, what f
*cking planet are you from and what do you want?"
And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..."
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Revenge
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know
when we could come and get her.
My husband, (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband
El-Cheap-O'. My husband calls him 'El-Take-0'. They love to hate each
other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which is
located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people
waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally
clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And, by the way, I think
she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he quietly closed the
door.
Now that's revenge!
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Drunken vocabulary
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk.
1 - Innovative 2 - Preliminary 3 - Proliferation 4 - Cinnamon
Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk.
1 - Specificity 2 - British constitution 3 - Passive-aggressive disorder 4
- Transubstantiate
Things which are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk 1 - Thanks for the offer, but
I don't want to sleep with you.
2 - Nope, no more booze for me.
3 - No kebab for me, thank you.
4 - Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5 - Look mate, I've told you, I'm not interested in a fight.
6 - No way, I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing.
7 - Thanks for asking, but I don't want to dance. I have no coordination
and hate to make a fool of myself.
8 - Where is the nearest public lavatory? I absolutely refuse to pee in the
street.
9 - I must be going now as I have work in the morning.
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One liners
TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
4. I went to the butchers and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
10. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
11. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look a him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
13. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night
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Chinese Doctor
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
Condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion." The
doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery
is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The
Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always
want to opelate. Make more money that way.
No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by
itself!
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Genie
Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches
long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell,"replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
Ya, shure. He's right dere in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Will you grant me vun vish?"
Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with
the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
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After nearly forty years in practice as a gynaecologist, John decided he
had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.
He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to
complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other
hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when
the exam scores would be returned.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150%
for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this
well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car
engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine". But
I thought you deserved an additional 50% for having done all of it through
the muffler."
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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A man wakes up in hospital after major surgery. The doctor tells him that
the bad news is that he's had his penis removed, but there's also some
good news. They can now graft on a new penis of whatever size he wishes,
but it costs a £1000 per inch, so 4 inches
34000, 9 inches
39000 etc.
However before deciding the doctor informs the guy he needs to talk it over
with his wife. For arguments sake she might only want him to restore his
original manhood and might not be comfortable with 9,10 or even 12
inches! And of course there are the costs involved.
So a week later the guy comes back to see the doctor to inform him of the
discussion. "So", asks the doctor, "have you and your wife reached an
agreement on what's to happen?" "Yes", replies the man forlornly - "We're
having a fitted kitchen"
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things,
but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him
to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more
sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for
another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he
showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,
cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
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My policy
WATER It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
WINE We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER
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