Joke Compilations: Friday Humour

G'day from Deano at Bluehaze,

Recently for my birthday I was given a book by Allan Pease titled "Rude and
Politically Incorrect Jokes - stories to embarrass your mother". Once I
started reading it I was interested to see that there were a few jokes
that have appeared in Friday Humour over the years. What also interested
me is in the author's introduction where he advises the reader "Being
offended is a choice. Others can't offend you - you choose to be offended.
And choosing offence tells the world that you are unable to come to terms
with the problems in your world. So it doesn't make sense to choose
offence. Or shame, embarrassment or feeling hurt. These choices show
everyone that you have low self-esteem and aren't in control of your
emotions. You can feel offended that it rains on your birthday party but
the rain doesn't care - it just keeps raining"

My favourite contribution this week is
White men can dance :)
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/trombone.wmv

And now onto the written stuff with contributions from Castlehill Books
Mob, Nottingham Smithie, Maayan, Davo, Burnout, Allnuts, Cartographer
Chris, Duke of Barsinov and Moose,

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Male or Female

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts
to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but
consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps
trying

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

FHA Loan Application

As some of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged
often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of
years.
With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries,
houses have been passed along through several generations of families,
making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client
that I thought was absolutely priceless!!
You gotta love this lawyer....... it's too good not to share!
Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter)
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year
of origin identified in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by
Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by
Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, Isabella, being a
pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is
the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly
accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume
that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
"God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to
before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we
have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Smart Arse answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like Dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check Tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Zen wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.

Closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Drugs

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just
a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by
the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Court findings

Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age, Australia (AP) - A seven year
old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday. When he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has
a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded
custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations
requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy
surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than
his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they
also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them,
the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not
capable of beating anyone."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fathers Then and Now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they
did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the
vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film
is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough
to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's
time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up,
it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the
supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at
gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while
fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN
YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all
smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted
Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham
and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the
horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the
girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that
earring?"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various
seasons of the year.
"In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to
wait until spring," the Yank said.
"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are
no object to us," said the Scot.
"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.
"No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the
field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly
continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung
herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too
began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the
head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and
he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the
river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen
all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me
five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened,
he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him,
"If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect
and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met
the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you
will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The
mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell,
why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times
in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row
won't kill you like it did the cow?"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway)
and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and
start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill
and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the
doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the
doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one
thousand dollars for your first visit.
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A
thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your
life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go
in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am
again!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

15 Great Ways To Get Revenge...

1. Revenge on a dirty roommate - using a hairdryer blow flour or powder
under their door to give everything an awesome white coat...
2. Revenge on a neighbor - write a nasty message on your target's lawn in
weed killer, they'll never get rid of the bald patches...
3. Revenge on anyone who doesn't live with you - put gelatin down your
target's toilet, in a few days it'll get solid...
4. When your roommate goes away, water his/her carpet and sow mustard and
cress seeds for a lush shag pile...
5. Revenge on a neighbor - replace weed killer with plant food - they'll
curse their green fingers...
6. Float unwrapped chocolate bars and toilet paper in your neighbor's
pool...
7. Get as many alarm clocks as possible, set them for different times
throughout the night and hide them on your roommate's room...
8. Fill your coworker's umbrella or coat hood with water.
9. Take your friend's bike, get a ladder and raise it over a lamppost so
that it passes through the whole in the middle of the bike frame. Hide and
witness their frustration...
10. Take your boyfriend's favorite clubbing shirt and use an ultraviolet
pen and write what's on your mind, under any black light your message will
appear...
11. Revenge on golfers - put dog crap in golf holes...
12. Make up elaborate flyers for a wild party at your enemy's home and wait
for the guests to arrive...
13. Place a singles ad with your ex's phone number in newspapers and
websites...
14. Subscribe your enemy to every form of junk mail you can lay your hands
on, the more embarrassing the better...
15. Subscribe your ex to all sorts of weird sex magazines but send them to
his neighbor's...

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is
a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are
uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is
dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"
their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one
will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other
boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well
now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed
the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he
kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he
consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not
been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they
cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their
limit, Bubba said, Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck
and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot
where we caught all these fish, we'll go home. On the way home, Bubba
turned to Verna Lou and said, Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were
all the fish are so next time I'll know? Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X'
on the side of the boat right down closest to the water.
Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you
know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd
first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a
warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree
and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing
right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her
daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be
changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling
me why you don´t like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Teen Poverty in America

We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local
mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living
in poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was
not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part. Many were
wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung
low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been
ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their
knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes
ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those
who can't afford a decent pair of jeans I was thinking about asking my
church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on
Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to
these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part ... it was the girls they were hanging out
with that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such
poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.
They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about
5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone
button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had
on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they
were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to
see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys,
because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear
exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their
underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our
American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with closets full of
clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough
material to keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2
groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans,
and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place
where they can find acceptance.
So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by
some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them? And one
more thing Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down,and the girls'
strings won't break?
We thank you all,
Concerned Grandmothers

._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why we love being British
From British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (
Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so
I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal
message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away
from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse
sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now to the visual stuff with heaps of stuff sent in by Anonymous, Duke
of Barsinov, Castlehill Books Mob, Muse, Burnout, Maayan, Whizzbang,
Allnuts, Davo, Mad Mick from Marwick, Gail at Salymar, Moose and
Nottingham Smithie

What a solution
"The next time you find yourself on a plane,
sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly,
I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag,
carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can
see it), and ......hit this link
<http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf> ."

How to stop a lesbian from smoking
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070123_stop.jpg

Luck
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070123_crash1.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070123_crash2.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070123_crash3.jpg

Proof
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_infrared.wmv

New Panasonic TV
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070120_viera_clip.wmv

The Best of the Best

Good One
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_punctuation.jpg

A Patient Dog
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20060905_GetAlong.wmv

Sadam's Cat
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070122_image001.gif

What happened to the guy from Mad Magazine
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/alfred_e.gif

How kids can ruin your "quiet time"
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/677_50_sms_hires.wmv

For those of us who learned to type on a manual typewriter...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20060813_SeniorMoment.wmv

New Law:
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially
during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women
Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants
are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is
created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking
lot in Minnesota.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_image001.jpg

Men Only
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_att00231.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20060729_image002.gif

As the life contract matures
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070122_image001-01.jpg

The Loving Husband
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070122_image001.jpg

Nice Sunglasses.......
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070122_sunnies.jpg

Isle of Man crash - ouchy
This might hurt a bit!!!!!!!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_insane_crash.wmv

XXX rated
Chippendale Dancers from around the world:
Chippendale from Greece
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image001.jpg
Chippendale from Russia
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image002.jpg
Chippendale from India
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image003.jpg
Chippendale from Tibet
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image004.jpg
Chippendale from Egypt
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image005.jpg
Chippendale from Africa
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070119_image006.jpg

I think you will probably laugh your little red socks off...
Little bit naughty but funny
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_lil_red_riding_hood_chu.wmv

When it's time to hang up the thong...
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070115_image001.jpg

Best quote
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070122_best_quote_ever.jpg

Border guards
Ali Muhammad and Akbar Omar, two border guards at Wagah, have recently won
the world flatulence record during the border closing ceremony. They put
their ability down to their meat eating, together with copious amounts of
raw garlic. Their Indian counterparts were unable to match the eye
stinging pungency due to their exclusively vegetarian diet.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070120_pakistani_army.jpg

Double decker buses and low bridges don't mix
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070120_low_bridge.jpg

Spiders and web building....very informative for us all!!!!]
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_spider-on-drugs.wmv

Scorsese Sesame Street 2006 - funny
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_scorsesesesamestreet.wmv

TASSIE LOG TRUCK DRIVER
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070123_crazycall_grantlock.mp3

Blind Date
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070117_a-fartingdate.wmv

A testimony to Boeing Products
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 15:56:01 -0600

Last night circa 2300 our BAX (A B727-200C) aircraft flight 705BX
encountered severe weather over Alberta Canada. The aircraft was cruising
at 35,000 feet when it encountered tennis ball sized hail. The pictures
below show some of the damage. All landing lights were destroyed, as was
the radar. The crew was forced to make a "blind" emergency landing.
Upon safe return to the ground the first officer and flight engineer quit.
It is expected that the aircraft is a total loss as its structural
integrity has been compromised.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image001.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image002.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image003.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image004.jpg

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image005.jpg

Revenge of the Icons
Ever wondered what the icons on your computer screen get up to while you
are not looking?!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_image001.png

Don't Honk Your Horn At Granny, or else!!
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070121_grannyairbag.wmv

Worst. Driver. Ever.
http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20070120_poordriver.wmv

And now back to the written stuff with lots from Anonymous..

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that
by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking
on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes
his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

(Wait for it)

(It's coming)

(Ya ready?)

(Don't hate me)

(Ya gonna hate me)

(Take a deep breath)

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned
around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN
RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43
restrooms.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small
business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that
each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Swiss man is looking for directions, and he pulls up at a bus stop where
two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, konnen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans
just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. They continue to stare.
"Praat julle Afrikaans?" The Americans just look at each other.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off.
One American guy turns to other and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five languages and it didn't do him
no good either."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. Then, one of them
decides to call 911. The call goes something like this...
Blonde: We need help, me and two other blondes are trying to change a light
bulb.
Operator: Hmm. Have you put a fresh bulb in?
B: Yes.
O: Is the power in the house turned on?
B: Of course!
O: And the switch is on?
B: Yes, yes!
O: And the bulb still won't light up?
B: Actually, the bulb's working fine.
O: Then what's the problem?
B: Well, we got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell off and
hurt ourselves!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And that all we have this week folks. Keep the contributions coming.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Please send all humour contributions to contribute@bluehaze.com.au
Please send all subscription requests to humourlist@bluehaze.com.au
Please send other enquiries/comments to management@bluehaze.com.au
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

Joke Compilations

Saturday, 24 February 2007

Friday Humour

No comments:

Blog Archive

Contributors

Good Links

stephenssnaps" galleries