No Holds Barred! 06-25-07

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 Signs your church has sold out to corporate
  sponsors.
 
  - Nike "swoosh" on the cross
 - Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice
 - Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements
 - In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of
    Coke.
 - Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench
 - Personal pew licenses now sold
 - Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World
 - Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep
 - The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
 - Scripture verses brought to you by Windows 'XP
 - Pastor doing subliminal product messages during
    sermon
 - Bulletin has coupon section
 - Choir members wear Dockers and Tommy H shirts
 - In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel
 - There is a credit card swiper on the collection
    plate
 - Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard
   emblems on them
 - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical
   Group, LLC
 - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
 - Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the
     FOX network
 - Church vans traded in for red Ford Broncos
 - Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
 - Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front
 - Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
 - Free Perrier at all baptisms

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 Excuses for Being Late for Work
 
 
 "Actually, I've been here for over 20
 minutes, big guy --
 I was just out chillin' in the van waiting
 for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."
 
 "I keep forgetting which side of the
 International Date Line you're on."
 
 "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"
 
 "It took this long to get the ol' blood
 alcohol level down
 to the legal driving limit."
 
 "I had to take extra time this morning to
 wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by
 reassuring myself that nothing would happen today
 that would push me over the edge."
 
 "My proctologist got stuck."
 
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MORE...
 
 "I'm late because I was on the phone trying
 to get *your*
 lousy shipping department to send the
 company's office
 supplies directly to the winner of my eBay
 auction."
 
 "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're
 as strung out on crystal meth as I am."
 
 "Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had
 a dead-end job,
 a windowless office and a humorless baboon
 for a boss."
 
 "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."
 
 "On the second Tuesday of the month, the
 Campho-Phenique man
 comes by to fill the drum for my home
 supply of industrial-
 strength anti-canker sore gel."
 
 "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get
 you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."
 
 "It took me a little longer than normal to
 hide my disdain this morning...  Sir."
 
 "My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by
 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my
 presentation' I mean
 'was boinking me'."
 
 "These are not the 'droids you're looking
 for."

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