JE - What You Doing Today?

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+ The Starter
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I've decided Friday is the best day of the week, bar none.
That's the sum total of my musings this month, roll on July and some
sunny weather for Scotland (finally!)

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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What You Doing Today?
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Family of the Future
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Firecracker Wake Up Prank
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+ General Joke
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly
collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped
a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed
in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except
that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money
that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the
air, and what God wants, God takes!"

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No Holds Barred! 06-29-07

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Fun4U: Clean Up

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A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register
    he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
    girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked,
    "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She
    asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter,
    grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large
    condoms, Register 5."
 
 The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
    was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the
    checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
    could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what
    size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his
    pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
    said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
 
 A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
    was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
    live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the
    register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him
    what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants
    and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze,
    then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up, register 5."
 
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Fun4U: College Short Story

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For her college class a girl was supposed to write a short story in as
    few words as possible. The instructions were that it had to discuss
    Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+
    and this is what she wrote:
 
 "Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."
 
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No Holds Barred! 06-28-07

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JE - Shrek's Mom is Waiting..

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+ The Starter
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Busy week, busy Tom.

Deadline looms for the project in my 'real' job. Not sure the powers
that be are impressed with my 'lack of resource' excuse. New job
anyone?

As an aside, Wimbledon has kicked off in dear old London. Now, although
I detest Wimbledon because of the self-congratulatory nature of the UK
coverage/commentary, I have had a sneeky $40 on Andy Roddick. Of
course, now I've tipped him, he'll retire hurt or breakdown on court
due to the whole Sharapova stuff. Heck, I know I would.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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Asleep 19 Years
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3 Year Old Is Amazing Finger Painter
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+ General Joke
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So,
he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
does 'the business', brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, tries with each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to
find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day sh*gging the sheep and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the
horn."

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No Holds Barred! 06-27-07

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No Holds Barred! 06-26-07

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Fun4U: My Wife

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
    martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside
    his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double
    martini.
 
 After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders
    the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says,
    "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long, but you got to
    tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
 
 The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts
    to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 
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Fun4U: You've Got Male

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Cyrus: Daddy, how was I born?
 
 Dad: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
 
 Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then
    I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
    sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
    from my hard drive.
 
 As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
    used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
    months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
 
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JE - Paris Release Delayed..

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Monday 25th June, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Morning folks!

I'm in a chipper mood this Monday after a fairly chilled out weekend. I
did manage to party a little with my softball team chums, however I was
visibly pounced upon by a mental 30 something woman, who insisted on
trying to grind to Usher, all in front of my girlfriend who was in
absolute stitches with my attempts to exit the situation without making
a scene.

Explained I needed the toilet, think she finally took the hint!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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Keira Knightley
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Guitar Slam Over Head
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+ General Joke
Paris Hilton has been using her time in jail to think up ways to make
the world a better place.

So far what she's come up with this idea: 'Stay in jail.'

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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

No Holds Barred! 06-25-07

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Condoms REQUIRED
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My cooking sucks....
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x32laro
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Save a horse...
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 Signs your church has sold out to corporate
  sponsors.
 
  - Nike "swoosh" on the cross
 - Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice
 - Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements
 - In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of
    Coke.
 - Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench
 - Personal pew licenses now sold
 - Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World
 - Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep
 - The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
 - Scripture verses brought to you by Windows 'XP
 - Pastor doing subliminal product messages during
    sermon
 - Bulletin has coupon section
 - Choir members wear Dockers and Tommy H shirts
 - In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel
 - There is a credit card swiper on the collection
    plate
 - Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard
   emblems on them
 - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical
   Group, LLC
 - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
 - Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the
     FOX network
 - Church vans traded in for red Ford Broncos
 - Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
 - Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front
 - Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
 - Free Perrier at all baptisms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Excuses for Being Late for Work
 
 
 "Actually, I've been here for over 20
 minutes, big guy --
 I was just out chillin' in the van waiting
 for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."
 
 "I keep forgetting which side of the
 International Date Line you're on."
 
 "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"
 
 "It took this long to get the ol' blood
 alcohol level down
 to the legal driving limit."
 
 "I had to take extra time this morning to
 wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by
 reassuring myself that nothing would happen today
 that would push me over the edge."
 
 "My proctologist got stuck."
 
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MORE...
 
 "I'm late because I was on the phone trying
 to get *your*
 lousy shipping department to send the
 company's office
 supplies directly to the winner of my eBay
 auction."
 
 "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're
 as strung out on crystal meth as I am."
 
 "Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had
 a dead-end job,
 a windowless office and a humorless baboon
 for a boss."
 
 "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."
 
 "On the second Tuesday of the month, the
 Campho-Phenique man
 comes by to fill the drum for my home
 supply of industrial-
 strength anti-canker sore gel."
 
 "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get
 you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."
 
 "It took me a little longer than normal to
 hide my disdain this morning...  Sir."
 
 "My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by
 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my
 presentation' I mean
 'was boinking me'."
 
 "These are not the 'droids you're looking
 for."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Fun4U: Talking Clock

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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late
    one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
    brass gong.
 
 "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's
    not a gong. It's a talking clock." the drunk replied. "A talking
    clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
 
 "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked,
    squinting at it.
 
 "Watch." the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering
    pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for
    a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed
    "For god sake, you asshole. It's ten past three in the morning!"
 
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Fun4U: Toilet Robery

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A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
    by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,
    the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step
    ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates
    at close range.
 
 "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
 
 Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
 
 "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow,
    "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
 
 Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he
    obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the
    man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
 
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JE - T-shirt for the Weekend

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+ The Starter
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Have a good weekend folks. I'm hibernating 'til Monday.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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Pimp My Warthog
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+ General Joke
*TIPS FOR OTHER REDNECKS*

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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No Holds Barred! 06-21-07

===========================================================

 Everything above this line is NOT a sponsor of
  No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.


      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

       Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!


Hey Honey
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/841.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/841.html">Here</a>

Be Patient
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/842.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/842.html">Here</a>

Next Year...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/843.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/843.html">Here</a>

A Little Too Fast
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/844.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/844.html">Here</a>

Care To Prove It
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/845.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/845.html">Here</a>

Is It In Yet?...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/038.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/038.htm">AOL here</a>

Jealous of "Hand"???
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1381.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1381.html">Here!</a>

Cards
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1382.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1382.html">Here!</a>

The Captain
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1383.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1383.html">Here!</a>

check in the mail?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1384.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1384.html">Here!</a>

Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny624.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny625.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny626.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you
have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of
experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually


best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first
time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
"Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've
discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."

"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"

"Back to back," Jon replies

"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."

"Yes, we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to
help out!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch for a year could be yours. 

Win lunch for a year or take the cash!
($1,500 value)

Answer a few questions in a short questionnaire for
your entry to win. 

Go

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Lunch.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Lunch.html">Here</a>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his
coat. 

His wife said "Where are you going?"

He said "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said "Why, are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on
her sweater
and he said "Where are you going?"

She said "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Complete our consumer questionnaire for your chance to win
a 2007 Mustang Shelby GT 500!

Tough and beautiful... it's perfect!

Share your opinions and be rewared... use this link.

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Mustang.html
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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

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            o$   "$o    """"$$"""$"""""""""""""           $$$"""""" oo""  oo$"
            $$ o  $$o     o$$"   $                        """       ""  $"$$$
             "$$$o$$$$oooo""    o$                         $o"$            $$o
               "$o$""$" "       $$$                           ooo$oo$$$$$$$$$$
                                  "                           """"""""$$$$$$$$
                                 o                           o            ""$$
                                 "                           "               "
 
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