Fun4U: Drinking fault finder

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A solution to all of your drinking troubles
 
 Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
 Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
 Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue
    with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
 
 Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
    pale and clear.
 Fault: Glass is empty.
 Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
 
 Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
 Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
 
 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
 Fault: Loss of self-control.
 Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to
    its owner about its lack of house training.
 
 Symptom: Bar blurred.
 Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
 Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
 
 Symptom: Bar swaying.
 Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
 Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
 
 Symptom: Bar moving.
 Fault: You are being carried out.
 Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
    loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
 
 Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent
    strip across it.
 Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
 Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
    arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to
    the bar.
 
 Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth
    and dog-ends.
 Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
 Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
 
 Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
    see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
 Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat
    yourself to a lie in.
 
 Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
 Fault: The pub is closing.
 Solution: Panic.
 
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