No Holds Barred! 04-05-07

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An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty
conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World
War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be
a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni,
and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never
forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a  beautiful Jewish woman knocked on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.  I hid her
in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to
feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi.  I was weak and told her she must repay
me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the Germans had found her.  There is a favorable
balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. 
Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi.  That's a great load off my mind. But I
have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Many years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride
the following recipe for washing clothes....

1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.
2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.
3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water.
4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1
pile work britches and rags.
5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then
thin down with bilin water.
6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard,
and then bile. Rub colored, don't bile, just rinch and starch.
7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then
rinch, and starch.
8. Hang old rags on fence.
9. Spread tea towels on grass.
10. Pore rinch water in flower bed.
11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
12. Turn tubs upside down.
13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew
cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

                  )_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
Hang this above your Automatic Washer, and when things look
bleak, read it again, and count YOUR blessings!

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 A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a
cigarette.  "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

"How old are you?"

"Six," Johnny says.

"Six?  When did you start smoking?"

"Right after the first time I got laid."

"Right after the first time you got laid?  When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk.

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