[No Holds Barred] for Jan 5 2009

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      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

       Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!

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Hiya, Laughers!

Yesterday I was the official target of some Jihad junkie hackers...
which turned my website into a political bashing for all those not
praising Allah.  WHATEVER!  Sorry if it freaked some folks out.
It's fixed now.

Enjoy today's offerings!
Papa Thorn
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Toons

Misleading ad
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Tampix               
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Alien Men's Room                
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Drink Up  (naughty alert)              
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Nipple Twist
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Alien Gets Sniffed
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Massive Wedgie
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TOONS

Chinese Menu               
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Pudding Dessert                 
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Carrot lovin'              
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What the experts say
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The hunters bar
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Darwin
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That's mine
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Random Joke & Cartoon
http://www.Able2Laugh.com
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Extras...

Easy Meal in Africa
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Old Joke Keeps Getting Funnier
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Microsoft Merger With McDonalds & Christianity
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Driving Skills
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Sudoku Sunrise - GAME
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Lobster Thief Gets Pinched
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By The Balls
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Freestyle With Footballs
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Backwards It Gets Robber Bank
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Kentucky Fried Challenger
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I was going down an elevator with three or four women, all of whom
were strangers to me.

At the first floor, I automatically stepped to one side to let them
all off. 

As the last one preceded me, she turned and said, "When Women's Lib
takes over, you'll get off first."

"Listen, lady," I said, smiling, "I'm a Woman's Lib-er myself.  I
want all women to be free."

"You do?" she said, rather astonished.

"Yes," I said. "I hate it when they charge."

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Trip to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house
mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room,
or whatever.  You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You
have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit - shorts with
the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what,
and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself
in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because
you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing
in the checkout lane.  You went to school with the pretty girl
running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change
shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash
your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror. 
Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the
smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to
someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to
cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different
shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne
is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to
Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than
flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your
daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt
in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The
cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is
from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog
poop off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in
your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in you pants.  The girl running the register may be cute,
but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have
your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog poop on
your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because
you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you
remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for.  Fart out
loud and you think someone called out your name.  You went to
school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the World is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOUBLE DOSE

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming
into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my
wife is coming home on Sunday.  Can't you see? I must have a double
dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see
if there were any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
whole box to start a campfire?

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

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