Tuesday, 31 July 2007
No Holds Barred! 07-30-07
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I Have To Touch That?
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Jenny Craig Ad.
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Printed Shirt
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Probem With Getting Old.
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Jump Start
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Little Black Dress...
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I hate it when ....
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I bet a guy designed it!
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A guys idea of a PERFECT woman!
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Poor dear...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1819.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1819.html">Here!</a>
Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny797.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny798.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny799.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says,
"Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit."
They walk on, and the young man says, "Wow! Take a gander at
that blonde in those red slacks."
They continue, and first young man says, "Holy cow! Feast your
eyes on that brunette in the ..."
The second young man says, "Is that all you can think about?
Clothes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm
going to bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one
I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They
all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks
the son.
"I don't like her." says the mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO SUCCEED ON EBAY!
**************************************************
Kim from Oklahoma made $500.00 the first time she
tried selling on EBAY!
- She used our Auction Success Kit!
- She earned it in a few short hours!
- She had no past experience!
- Our Kit is FREE* for a limited time, get it now!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vickie went to a Florida once to a lemon grove to apply
for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too
qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual
experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced
three times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**************************************************
$500.00
**************************************************
Kim B. made $500.00 the first time she tried selling on EBAY!
- She used our Auction Success Kit!
- She made $$$ in a few short hours!
- She had no past experience!
- Our Kit is FREE for a limited time, get it now!
Follow this link:
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<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/EBAY.html">Here</a>
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JE - A Bush Sandwich..
Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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+ The Starter
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Another week rolls around! Make the most of it ;-)
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
A Bush Sandwich..
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Dangers of Cell Phones
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Homer Upsets Pagan
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/homer.htm
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+ General Joke
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
university. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
it's face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through Chicago Zoo with his
teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted it's front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the
encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same
elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, 30 July 2007
Fun4U: Union Worker
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Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus
walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked
humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam war. Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back,
he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When
they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything
distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and
cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
-=[-(3599)---------------------------------------------------(lp:68.0%)--]=-
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Fun4U: The Hotel Manager
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and
take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. The man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and
you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to
any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter
what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't
use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check
is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with
my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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Saturday, 28 July 2007
JE - Have a Top Weekend..
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Friday 27th July, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Alright folks.
Writing this on Thursday night - late - after returning from an after
work golfing expedition. Now, I don't have a handicap, simply because I
don't play enough and have never bothered to sort one out. So I was
playing off maximum handicap against my boss, and HIS boss. 9 holes in
and Tommy appeared to be 7 holes up.. that was all she wrote folks!
Bosses beaten - thoroughly - and chances of Tom getting a bonus now
appear to be somewhat slim. Still, gotta love hustling your bosses!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
Have a Top Weekend!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/top_weekend.htm
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Lindsay Lohan Arrested..
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Knock And Don't Run
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+ Topical Joke
As recently reported in the New Zealand Herald and other
papers, the Attenborough's long-beaked echidna - a primitive
mammal and one of the few that lays eggs - is not extinct as
many had feared. But scientists were not all that delighted
by the report from the villager in Papua New Guinea that saw
the extremely rare echidna: "It was delicious," he said.
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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, 27 July 2007
Fun4U: Penis Raise
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I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don‚'t get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources
After accessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct
protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed
your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
-=[-(3598)---------------------------------------------------(lp:67.9%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Direct Marketing
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
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Thursday, 26 July 2007
Fun4U: Day Off
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling
stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the
day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
-=[-(3595)---------------------------------------------------(lp:68.0%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Ascii-Art: Aladdin
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