JE - Santa Lets His Hair Down

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Merry Christmas all!!

Tom Evans
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+ New Funny Pics:
Santa Lets His Hair Down..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/santa_parties.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/santa_parties.htm "> AOL </a>

Full Time Killer
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fulltime_killer.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fulltime_killer.htm "> AOL </a>

Goosehead Racing
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/goosehead.htm
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+ General Joke
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young
man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So
the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left
foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it,"
he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter
between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and
the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his
life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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Fun4U: Believe in Santa Claus?

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A woman woke up one morning deciding that she hated life and wanted to
    end it. She went on the top of her roof. As she was about to jump a
    man called out to him telling him to stop.
 
 She asked, "Why shouldn't I jump?"
 
 And the man replied by saying, "you see I am Santa Claus."
 
 "Are you serious" the woman replied."
 
 "Of course I am, Don't you see the big belly and the beard."
 
 Convinced that the man was Santa Clause she asked what could she do for him.
 
 Santa replied by saying, "I can give you anything you want but you have
    to give me a kiss."
 
 "The woman puckered her lips and Santa started to kiss her.
 
 10 minutes later Santa Claus was still kissing her, when she turned
    around and asked if Santa was really sure that he was going to give
    him everything she wanted.
 
 Santa Clause replied by saying, "Yes. But let me ask you a question.
 
 Does a big girl like you still believe in Santa Claus?"
 
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Fun4U: Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas

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On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 A glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Three loose plugs,
 Two keyboard bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Four garbled SAVE's,
 Three loose plugs,
 Two keyboard bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE's,
 Three loose plugs,
 Two keyboard bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE's,
 Three loose plugs,
 Two keyboard bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE's,
 Three loose plugs,
 Two keyboard bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Eight worthless printouts,
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE's
 Three loose plugs,
 Two key bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 nine burnt-out fuses
 Eight worthless printouts,
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE'S
 Three loose plugs,
 Two key bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Ten disk-drive lockouts,
 nine burnt-out fuses
 Eight worthless printouts,
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE'S
 Three loose plugs,
 Two key bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Eleven damaged diskettes,
 Ten disk-drive lockouts,
 nine burnt-out fuses
 Eight worthless printouts,
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE'S
 Three loose plugs,
 Two key bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
 On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
 Twelve blown-out circuits,
 Eleven damaged diskettes,
 Ten disk-drive lockouts,
 nine burnt-out fuses
 Eight worthless printouts,
 Seven system resets,
 Six I/O spasms,
 Five blank cassettes,
 Four garbled SAVE'S
 Three loose plugs,
 Two key bounces,
 And a glitch on the video screen.
 
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JE - Jesse Jackson's Santa Mission

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Merry Christmas to one and all.

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Jesse Jackson's First Day as Santa..
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Lindsay Lohan in Trouble!
http://www.mugshots.net/lindsay_lohan/index.html
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+ General Joke
Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,

Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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Fun4U: Night Before Christmas (Legal)

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The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
 
 Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
    a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
    a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but
    not limited to a mouse.
 
 A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed
    by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief
    that St. Nick aka St. Nicholas aka Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")
    would arrive at sometime thereafter.
 
 The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House
    were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
    hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats,
    including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums,
    did dance, cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
 
 Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
    "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
    of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired
    for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad
    in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
 
 Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
    the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
    i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause, and/or
    circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
    window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
 
 At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
    wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle")
    being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
    eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in
    fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
 
 Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and guidance to
    the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
    animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
    Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information
    and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator
    named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
 
 The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the
    Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
    residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
    noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other
    items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation
    or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the
    House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
 
 Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
    residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
    a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
    items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
    blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
 
 Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the
    minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
    small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
    minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
 
 Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
    rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the
    Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
    departed for an unknown destination.
 
 However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from
    said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
    exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
    to that effect.
 
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Fun4U: Star Trek Toys

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Top 10 New Star Trek Toys For Christmas
 
 10. "Borg Adapter Kit" Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will
    allow you to assimilate any of your action figures
 
 9. "Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility"
 
 8. "Borg Ship" with assimilation area and places to put disassembled
    parts of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy
 
 7. "My First Tricorder"
 
 6. "Holodeck play set" You two can recreate all those great holodeck
    program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with Lieutenant
    Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to minors)
 
 5. "Screwed-up timeline Series" Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes"
 A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
 B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
 C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
 D. Time's arrow Play set (complete with Data's head, two pocket watches,
    the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
 E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)
 
 4. "Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory"
 
 3. "Kill Wesly Play Set" Now you can finally do all those things to Wesley
    Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with "Crash Test Dummy" Action
    figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)
 
 2. "Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set" With falling barrels, crates of
    leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an
    unstable gateway to another world.
 
 and the number one Star Trek Toy this Crhistmas:
 
 1. A fully functional Phaser
 
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Fun4U: Police Stop

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A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
    after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and
    registration please?"
 
 "What's the problem, officer?"
 
 "Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
 
 "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
 
 "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
    ways, and proceed with caution."
 
 "you gotta be kidding me!"
 
 "It's no joke, sir".
 
 "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
    miles, and proceeded with caution."
 
 "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop,
    and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."
 
 "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
    doughnut shops closed?"
 
 "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
    registration immediately!"
 
 "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
    coming to a complete stop."
 
 The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that."
 
 He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded
    to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
 
 "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
 
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Fun4U: Who is the greatest?

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A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
    were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of
    which of them was the greatest.
 
 "Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When
    I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the
    people stand to pay me honor."
 
 "That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but
    when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and
    they address me as 'Your Holiness.'"
 
 The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I step
    onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
    hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"
 
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JE - Who Fancies Sledding?

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It's Friday! Get yourself off home early! And Merry Christmas!!

Tom Evans
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Who Fancies Sledding?
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Love You Truly & Madly

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The Miracle of Christmas

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/miracle.htm
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+ General Joke
A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and
was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every
respect - except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The
cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral
work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too
much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it
wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the
clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto
a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very
moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

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No Holds Barred! 12-21-07

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No Holds Barred! 12-20-07

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JE - Merry Christmas from the Hoff

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+ The Starter
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Keeping it brief this week, since I'm sure both you and I have things we
need to get done before the weekend festivities. Remember, if all else
fails, you can't go wrong with a good book. Just avoid the aftershave and
socks.. you might as well just give them the cash..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Merry Christmas from the Hoff!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/merry_hoff.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/merry_hoff.htm "> AOL </a>

A Day of Smiles
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/smile.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/smile.htm "> AOL </a>

A Rare Friend

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/rare.htm
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+ General Joke
25 reasons why alcohol should be served at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time because you have the hangover after work instead
of before.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with his or her ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (Depending of course
on the boss).
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

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No Holds Barred! 12-19-07

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No Holds Barred! 12-18-07

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No Holds Barred! 12-17-07

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JE - Who Needs a Reindeer?

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Monday 17th December, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Nice and relaxed weekend for me, in which I survived the office Christmas
party on Friday night (no embarassing indescretions, winner!), dinner
party (!) with the missus on Saturday night, then Sunday spent buying my
pressies online in less than an hour and for under $200. I even ironed all
my work shirts for the week ahead so you can see how busy I've been. Ready
for the Christmas break, no doubt!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Who Needs a Reindeer?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/reindeer.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/reindeer.htm "> AOL </a>

Life Is Dull Without You
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dull.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dull.htm "> AOL </a>

Stark Naked
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/stark.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/stark.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
NOTICE OF SEASONAL GREETING

From Andrew Rogers Lawyers ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please
accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low
stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2008, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age,
physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall
be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the
wishor are acknowledged. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to
actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or
the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected
within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any
references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our
Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures,
whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any
endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all
proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are
hereby acknowledged.

Andrew Rogers Lawyers

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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

JE - Merry Christmas, Fool

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Friday 14th December, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Enjoy your weekend!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Merry Christmas, Fool!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/xmas_fool.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/xmas_fool.htm "> AOL </a>

The Miracle of Christmas

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/miracle.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/miracle.htm "> AOL </a>

Christmas Night Love Was Born

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/xmas_love.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/xmas_love.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Children at a Catholic school were shocked when the head nun reeled off a
list of banned swear words. Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of St. Clare
of Montefalco Catholic School in Grosse Point Park, Michigan, told
students she had a zero-tolerance policy for cursing. Just in case anyone
was not sure what she was talking about, she read a list of the words and
phrases that she was banning.

- News source: Ananova Quirkies, 10/12/07

Students say they eagerly await her next announcement, covering premarital
s*x.

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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

No Holds Barred! 12-14-07

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No Holds Barred! 12-13-07

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