No Holds Barred! 04-30-08

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No Holds Barred! 04-29-08

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JE - Credit Crunch for Breakfast?

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+ The Starter
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Enjoy folks

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the
Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps
of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know ****?"

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No Holds Barred! 04-28-08

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always
sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to
true friendship and truth itself ...

Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help
you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made
you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every
chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit
whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick.....stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy
ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may
ask? Because you're my friend!


P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend
will help you move a body.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want
to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies,
"I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds,
"But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for
your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family,
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were
visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death
certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to
make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George
that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very
expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for
the remains normally decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some
time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body
back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says
"You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the
difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see,
I heard of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here
in Jerusalem.
On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who do you want to win the 2008 presidential election—
Hillary, Obama or McCain?

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Besides, that's what the 1st amendment is all about!


More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

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JE - Kids Love the Zoo

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+ The Starter
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No joke, gonna spend most of this weekend taking it VERY easy.
Suggest you do likewise, let's kickstart the economy with comfort food and sports!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
Now here's a job!

From http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080424/od_nm/pub_dc

Mike Hammond was bombarded with offers after advertising in his village post
office for someone to accompany his 88-year-old father Jack on visits to a
southern England pub from a nursing home.

He offered the lucky winner 7 pounds an hour plus expenses and, after
sifting through the applicants, decided on a Mr. Greg Evans from Possum
Junction U.S.A..

Mr. Evans declined the job offer after learning that the wage wasn't 7
pounds of beer per hour but rather some "funny money."

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No Holds Barred! 04-25-08

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Gimme a hand...
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...trapped alone....running out of air...Apollo 13?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between Virginia and West
Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of
a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned
shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing
convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the
shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd
feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier
watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs,
and you know I don't like seafood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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No Holds Barred! 04-24-08

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JE - Are You This Cool?

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+ The Starter
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Back in the saddle for another couple of days in the office. Must admit, getting somewhat
bored with the coverage on the news of the Democratic race for the White House. With a
cheeky betting slip in my pocket for Mr McCain (at 20-1 no less), I'm eager for the old-
timer to tear into these new starts, one on one!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Nakamura
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+ General Joke
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a
ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

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No Holds Barred! 04-23-08

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No Holds Barred! 04-22-08

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JE - Always one feminist..

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Not much to update from my quiet weekend. I'm on an extremely frugal budget
(I'm openly being called 'tight' by my better friends, and my girl), but for a
good reason. I'm away to Nepal and India in just 21 days, and funds are lacking.
The flights are paid for, but very little else. Unless I beg/steal/borrow some
cold, hard, cash over the next 3 weeks, it could be very interesting few weeks
away. It could be one of those 'culture' holidays, where I choose to live
among the people.

Jabs up to date though, which is always a bonus.
Like to see TB or Hep A catch me out now I'm boosted up to the eyeballs with
super vaccines!

Rock on, and let the saving continue! Tight is good!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The
cabby said, "I'd cover his a55 up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

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No Holds Barred! 04-21-08

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Fun4U: Who Is In Charge?

-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
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-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see
which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are,
so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or
move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of
you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should
be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm
the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of
the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important!
You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy,
the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was
all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this
and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

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Fun4U: Vikes, Packers & the Pope

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On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man
wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into
the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semi-conscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs,
the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was
bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings fans, but now I have
seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off,
the harpooner asked his buddies "who was that"? "It was the Pope,"
one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all
of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K.,
or do we need to get another one"?

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JE - Definition of Envy

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He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
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water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
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anything unusual about my new dog?"

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"Your dog can't swim"

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No Holds Barred! 04-18-08

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