No Holds Barred! 01-31-08

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Fun4U: The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow
. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him
square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time I
said ... BRING POSSE!'

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Fun4U: Magna Carta

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A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons
forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that
happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

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JE - Idiots do Exist

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+ General Joke
Greg's girlfriend was in the kitchen preparing to cook soft boiled
eggs for breakfast as he walked in. She turned and said, "You've got
to make love to me this very moment."

Greg's eyes lit up and he thought,"'This is my lucky day. Not wanting
to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all....right
there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "'Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than
a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "'The egg timer's broken."

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No Holds Barred! 01-30-08

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A thing for older women ... but this is...
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an old flame
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one size fits all
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Only in Texas
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Too much oral sex...
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A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit
bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The
woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed
him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman
answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the
dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The newly married man came home from work to find his
new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed
in a very skimpy negligee. "Guess what I got
planned for dinner," she asked seductively?

"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Paul was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with
this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at
her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her outfit. She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"

Paul replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma
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It is particularly important to check with a doctor if any of
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No Holds Barred! 01-29-08

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JE - Clinton / Obama - Smiles Win Elections

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+ General Joke

Following my excesses at Christmas I decide to calculate my Body Mass
Index using my weight and height. Fortunately for me I am not in the
obese range, but I am technically overweight. I have resolved to get
myself back to a healthy BMI this year.

All I have to do is grow 10 cm.

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No Holds Barred! 01-28-08

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Fun4U: Fishing Dictionary

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CATCH AND RELEASE - A conservation motion that happens most often right
before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has
caught over it's limit.

HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings
on a new rod and reel.
(3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their
life savings.

LINE - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how
your fishing went the past weekend.

LURE - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler
into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit
before exiting the tackle shop.

REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped
overboard.

ROD - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler
from ever getting too close to a fish.

SCHOOL - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures
and hold out for spam instead.

TACKLE - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just
before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive First Aid
kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you
reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band-Aid, you soon find that
you need more than one.

TEST- (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when
fighting fish in a specific weight range.
(2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once
again losing the fish.

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Fun4U: New Element

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Scientists Discover New Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However,
it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice assistant
neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass
of 247. These particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particle called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can
be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days
to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred
in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a re-organization
in which the assistant neutrons, vice assistant neutrons, and assistant
vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic mass
actually increasing after each re-organization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as
government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually
be found in the newest, best-appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend
plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

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No Holds Barred! 01-25-08

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No Holds Barred! 01-24-08

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JE - Rudy Campaign goes Desperate

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+ General Joke
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and
a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had been in a
terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best shopping day ever.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the
hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her
trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake,
compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant......then remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital where she saw the doctor in
charge and she asked about her husband's condition.

The doctor, a woman, glared at her and shouted, "You finished your
shopping trip .....didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you spent the past hours enjoying yourself, your husband has
been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

But let me tell you........it will be more than likely the last shopping
trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require
round the clock care.

And you'll be his care giver!

The woman, bowed down by guilt and shock, broke into loud sobs.
Patting her on the shoulder the lady doctor chuckled and said,

"I'm just pulling your leg....he's dead......what did you buy?"

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No Holds Barred! 01-23-08

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No Holds Barred! 01-22-08

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JE - McCain Worries About Huck..

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+ General Joke
A man owned a small farm in Minnesota

The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board,

I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps
with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

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