JE - School Daze

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+ The Starter
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Weekend has landed folks. Unfortunately, I'm flat broke so will
spend the next two days moping about the flat, watching TV and
generally praying for the Lottery.

Happy days.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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School Daze..
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+ General Joke
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without
water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees
an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator
in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an Tax
Office genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's always a string attached......

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JE - TV Parenting

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TV Parenting
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/tv_parent.htm "> AOL </a>

I'm a Mad Cow
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/madcow.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke

Late night one liners about the potential 'Veep'

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising
questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years
ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health
like Dick Cheney, okay?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the
Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not
have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next
week when Joe Biden is on. I'm sorry, I got confused." --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the
United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American
who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest
presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said
although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his
wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd
rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has
gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the
nomination by the year 2032." --Jay Leno

"There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Seven
candidates on stage debating. Seven, which, sadly, for Joe Biden, is the
biggest crowd he's ever drawn." --Jay Leno

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JE - Ticket to Hell

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Tom Evans
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Ticket To Hell
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These Babes are Tough
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Kiss Me Quick, Hurry Up
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+ General Joke
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?"


She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"





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JE - Man the Harpoons

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Okay doke guys and dolls.
So we've enjoyed a public holiday in the UK today, mainly to
celebrate our Gold medal olympians returning home (well, not
really but it just so happens it's the same day).

I've spent the day playing a bit of tennis (6-1, 5-7, 6-3), a bit
of shopping (sister's Birthday beckons), and studying for my
Banking exams. And they say study finishes at 21...

Nose to be re-attached to the grindstone tomorrow.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Blood Suckers
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+ General Joke
An Irishman and a Mormon were sitting together on a plane when the
Trolley Dolly came around with the drinks.

The Irishman asked it they had Irish whiskey and he would have a large one.

The attendant turned to the Mormon and asked if he would like a drink

"I'd rather be ravished by half a dozen whores than let liquor pass my lips

With that the Irishman hands his drink back and says

"I'll have that too. I didn't know we had a choice"

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JE - Obama Supporters

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Haha, weekend!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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You Monster
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+ General Joke
A Welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the
vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the
grass when pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he
loads the sheep into his
Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has s8x with them all, brings
them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find
the sheep still just standing round. Try again he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls exhausted
into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are wallowing in the grass.

'No', she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn'.

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JE - Private Property

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God Takes On Google
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+ General Joke
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So,
Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including
her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP
ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''

'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

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JE - How to Blend In..

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Howdy lads and lasses.
Have a top weekend, I'm celebrating my 27th Birthday so it'll be
messy for sure!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Pathetic Try Hard & Fail
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Man Marries Dog
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+ General Joke
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't
in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her
neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then
caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her
breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed
gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he
proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion
of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

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Fun4U: Lawyer Fees

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A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy
friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client
called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed
him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with
a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for
his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney,
"is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a
one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill
and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

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JE - Who Needs a Bigger Boat?

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+ The Starter
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Hey ho folks.
Just a short note from me tonight. The credit crunch is truly biting
in chez Evans: mortgage payments up, gas prices up, Tommy's mood DOWN!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Fun Banned At Local Beach
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The Greatest Escape
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+ General Joke
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you
have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious
moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as
he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners
and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the
full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20
years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full
house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest
man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"B*gger me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well !!

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JE - From Russia With Love

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+ The Starter
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Morning morning!

So Team GB at the Olympics managed to secure our mighty third
mdeal today. Watch out China / USA, we're on your tail on that
medals table.

Small error yesterday - backed China at 50-1 to beat USA at basketball
.. yeah.. possibly the worse bet I've made. Ever. In my life.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Love Is In The Air
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+ General Joke
Looking at the headlines at the BBC website this morning,
I noticed the following "teaser" in the Science/Nature section -

Great tits cope well with warming

My first reaction was "Well, duh!".

My second reaction was "Is this also true for b0obies?"

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JE - Beijing 2008 - We're Ready

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No apologies, the Olympics beckons and that just means ample opportunity to poke
fun at our Red cousins. Not in a bad way of course, but any country that promises
equal rights for Tibet then reneges on that agreement need to be brought to order
by means of humor.

And so it begins..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Beijing 2008 - We're Ready
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/china2008.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/china2008.htm "> AOL </a>

You Selfish Pig:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/selfish.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/selfish.htm "> AOL </a>

If Dad Raised the Kids:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dad_kids.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dad_kids.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Some late night humor regarding those pesky Olympics..

"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to
assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in
China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency
measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with
hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic,
benzene." --David Letterman

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking
him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics.
Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to
bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash."
--Jay Leno

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the
Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain,
'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

+ Contact Information
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JE - If she votes, I vote

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 4th August, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Just noticed the previous issues have been stating the year as
2007 - heaven forbid! We're alive and kicking in 2008!
Obviously a small technical issue which I've managed to sort.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
If She Votes, I Vote!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/obama-girl.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/obama-girl.htm "> AOL </a>

Castrate Me:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/castrate.htm
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Pleeeease Answer Me:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/answerme.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/answerme.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Heard from a friend who heard it from a friend who works in a
reanimation center --

Two men are fishing at a lake that is also used by windsurfers.
Of course the surfers disturb the fish, and this annoys the
fishermen.

After some time, when another surfer passes them, one of the
fishermen picks up a stone and throws it at the surfer. He hits
the surfer's head, and the surfer falls from the board and sinks
immediately.

When he doesn't appear again, the two decide to rescue him. So
they row to the place where the surfer drowned and one of them
strips and jumps into the water. When he comes up again, he
brings a lifeless body with him, and they heave it into the
boat. Since the body doesn't show any signs of life, one of the
fishermen start to give him the 'kiss of life'.

After the first puff of air he gasps, "Man, this guy's really got
bad breath!"

The other one takes a closer look and asks very quietly,
"Are you sure the one you hit wore skates?"

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

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