Monday, 31 March 2008
No Holds Barred! 03-31-08
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Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!
Strip Poker
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1011.html
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A Mans Chair
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Needs Feeding
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Beer Farts
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Matching Set
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Wet Floor
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Reading the f*%$##@! manual
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Reality TV reaches a new LOW
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A good screw
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XYZ
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Fly action....not enough
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1460.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1460.html">Here!</a>
Donation To Science
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/081.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/081.htm"> Here </a>
Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny524.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny525.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny526.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1201.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1202.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1203.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy.
" Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither." Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as
meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
--Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
" Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at
all." --Rodney Dangerfield
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of
the closet." Bill Kelly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The company where my brother worked had a phone system
that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a
certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would
be a wrong number. It got to the point where, as soon as
the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline.
I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."
The caller would often reply with something like, "But I
didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know
I dialed the wrong . . . OH!" (Click)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes,
no debts, and no pollution. The women did all the
work while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever
since then, a bunch of idiotic do-gooders have been
trying to "improve" the place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!
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Sunday, 30 March 2008
Fun4U: Parking Concern
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are
you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
-=[-(3644)---------------------------------------------------(lp:71.5%)--]=-
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Fun4U: Half a Cake...
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A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd
made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and
they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally
she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon
the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would
be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he
found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and
ate half!"
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Saturday, 29 March 2008
JE - A Bull Bad Day..
Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Friday 28th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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Friday 28th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Well folks. I'm glad it's the weekend, seems like a long week. Working in
the financial industry isn't the best place to be right now, although I
agree it's better than on the breadline and/or moving back to the parents as
my mortgage costs rocket. C'est la vie.
Not much planned this end, awaiting for British Summer Time to kick in,
meaning a good few more hours of sunshine over the summer period here in
chilly Scotland. Footy tomorrow morning in the ice and snow will sure be fun
as usual, if - as I suspect - I'll be subbed after 45 minutes and have to
ensure another 45 minutes shivering into mild hypothermia.
Beats lying in though, especially since I have so much to plan in advance of
my three week jaunt to Nepal/India in May. Slightly concerned by the advice
I found online today regarding the various jabs I'll require since we're
heading into the remote 'Terai' wilderness. The Wild West they call it.
Bonza!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
You Know You're Having a Bad Day
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bull_bad.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bull_bad.htm "> AOL </a>
Wedding Nightmares
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wedding_night.htm "> AOL </a>
Slim or Die Man Sheds 44 Stone
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/44stone.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/44stone.htm "> AOL </a>
+ General Joke
Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax
rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to
a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.
Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to
China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea
or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
.....and none of these scenarios will help the American
economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to
keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on
prost1tution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses
still left in the U.S.
For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm
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Friday, 28 March 2008
Thursday, 27 March 2008
JE - The Sniper after Hillary
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Wednesday 26th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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Wednesday 26th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
The Sniper Who was After Hillary
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hillary_sniper.htm
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When You Need A New Car
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+ General Joke
(An old one, but some might not have seen it)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands
it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil b1tches.
Don't mess with us.
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Wednesday, 26 March 2008
No Holds Barred! 03-26-08
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\\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////
Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!
Underdeveloped country, my ass!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1736.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1736.html">Here!</a>
So much for safe sex
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He's about to have a BAD BAD day!
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Death row...
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Back in an hour
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School of Languages
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Great Scot!
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Agreed to a secret?
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Wilma!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/771.html
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Good Old Days
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Oh Honey...
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Hold It!
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Nine Inches
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<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/775.html">Here</a>
Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny666.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny667.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny668.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks in to a pub and there is a big jar of money on
the counter, the man asks the bartender.
" whats that jar full of money for?"
The bartender replies" the money goes to the person who can
make my donkey laugh."
The man asks the bartender if he can try.
He goes into the donkey...5 mins later he comes out and the
donkey is pissing itself laughting.
The man gets the money and leaves.
2 weeks later he comes back to the same pub. The bartender
asks the man if he can stop the donkey from laughing the
guy tells him he'll try.
He goes in to the donkey.. 5 mins later he comes back out
with the donkey crying.
The bartender asks the man how he did it.
The man replies "well I made him laugh by telling him I had
a bigger dick than him...and I made him cry by proving it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor
notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed
attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it
like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin
winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's
great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming
sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the
bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with
my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a
humming sound coming from the basement. When he went
downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with
her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with
my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound
again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room,
she found her husband watching television with the vibrator
buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read It
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in email.
Hear It
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Save It
Keep voicemail forever. Forward and organize message
just like email
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Tuesday, 25 March 2008
No Holds Barred! 03-25-08
===========================================================
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No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.
\\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////
Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!
And the Colonel says....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1718.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1718.html">Here!</a>
Petty crime doesn't pay
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1719.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1719.html">Here!</a>
Viewing public!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1720.html
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True love...of what?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1721.html
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HANG UP! You're gonna love this one!
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nuts & bolts ...
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Mone Lisa Wardrobe malfunction
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Protest
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Wonder if UPS delivered this????
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Can I help you jack?
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Surprise! Surprised?
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Presidential love talk....now you know!
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Woody on the dance floor? Priceless
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MREs for bait....Priceless
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Duct Taped Boobs? Really Priceless
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Onscreen display ...unhuh! Priceless
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Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny641.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny642.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny643.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1264.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1265.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1266.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful blonde teenaged daughters. They decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he
could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife told him to hurry,
or they would be late for the party. She was walking
downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her
feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes. He
also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase
over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass.
Pull twice and I come."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE KINDS.....
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it
until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex
anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta
do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say,
"Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in
front of everyone in court.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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JE - Happy Doggy Easter
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Monday 24th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Easter holiday weekend on the way... out!
(Sadly)
Tom Evans
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+ New Funny Pics:
A Doggy Easter Blessing
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/easter_dog.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/easter_dog.htm "> AOL </a>
Easter Blessing Peace & Joy:
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/easter.htm "> AOL </a>
Man Marries Dog:
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/man_dog.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/man_dog.htm "> AOL </a>
+ General Joke
Since China seem to be getting it from all sides over the 'handling' of the
Tibet issue, thought I'd weigh with my size 9's...
Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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Sunday, 23 March 2008
Fun4U: Valuable Info
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be
six dollars per person.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
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Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach
during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't
end all that great for me."
"Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far
because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the
turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched
off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"
"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face
and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."
-=[-(3641)---------------------------------------------------(lp:71.6%)--]=-
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Friday, 21 March 2008
Thursday, 20 March 2008
JE - Monica Votes
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Wednesday 19th March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Easter holiday weekend on the way!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
+ New Funny Pics:
Monica Votes..
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BMX Park
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Gorgeous Person Day
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+ General Joke
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her
aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.
Eventually they asked the Mossad for help.
Almost immediately the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
\/
|
\/
|
\/
|
\/
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
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