Friday, 30 November 2007
Thursday, 29 November 2007
JE - Bears in the Woods
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Get your paws around another fun packed edition of your favorite mail!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
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Bears in the Woods
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Crazy Juicer
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Elephant Whales
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+ General Joke
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told
him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped
firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence.....
"Get well soon.....
From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week"
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Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
JE - All Aboard
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Monday 26th November, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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Well, after spending VERY relaxed long weekend with the missus in a log
cabin on the shores of a lake, I returned to the city today. Since I was
back so early (and obviously not at the office), I figured I'd try and
tackle some of the smaller DIY tasks I've been leaving for a rainy day.
Ever wish you hadn't?
The only thing I tried to do was to change the halogen bulbs in my lounge
lamp (ie, the main light in the lounge). I changed a couple, and flicked
the switch to check whether the new bulbs were working. The lamp flickered
hesitantly twice, then died. Awesome. Assumption is that the transformer
has blown, and thus new unit required. Lovely.
This is why I never change anything!!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
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All Aboard!
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Man's Greatest Wish:
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Enrich the World:
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+ General Joke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!"
As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket
of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old
lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Monday, 26 November 2007
Fun4U: Holy Grail
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A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to
tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast
upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans
and breakfast cereals ...
Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must
count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number
of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither
shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.
Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the
counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the
direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
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Fun4U: By the cars they drive
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How to judge your friends and what people are really saying with the cars
they drive ...
Acura Integra
- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend
- I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX
- I am impotent
Audi 90
- I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue
- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado
- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville
- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro
- I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette
- I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette
- I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino
- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba
- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z
- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart
- I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona
- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa
- I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont
- (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang
- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria
- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I
pull up behind them
Geo Storm
- I will start the 11th grade in the fall
Geo Tracker
- I will start the 12th grade in the fall
Honda del Sol
- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all
Honda Civic
- I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord
- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45
- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse
- I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6
- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop
280 days per year
Kia Sephia
- I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp
Lamborghini Countach
- I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car
- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis
- (See above)
Mercedes 500SL
- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL
- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata
- I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB
- I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante
- I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX
- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Nissan Sentra GLE
- The JokeMaster talked me into it
Oldsmobile Cutlass
- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off
the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel
- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon
- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM
- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo
- I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944
- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
- I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2
- (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy
- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than the Isuzu
Toyota Camry
- I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Beetle
- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagen Cabriolet
- I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Microbus
- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon
- I am frightened of my wife
Did you find yourself?
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Saturday, 24 November 2007
JE - Happy Thanksgiving
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Happy Thanksgiving all!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
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Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe
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Got Milk?
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World's Worst Hangovers
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+ General Joke
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Friday, 23 November 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Fun4U: Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day
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PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all
times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.
OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off to the side,
dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to
scramble for.
GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same
time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams*
may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.
TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When
the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that
she's had enough to eat).
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally
necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!
PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game
time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised*
football game engaging your attention!
HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour
gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear,
I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;) .
TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the
table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!
FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw
a towel down on it and mop it up!
RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
and last but not least...
GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I
know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and
YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
[Shan Kish]
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Fun4U: Redneck Thanksgiving
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You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
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Fun4U: Redneck Thanksgiving
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You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
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JE - I'm with idiot..
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Have finally decided I need to stick the heating on in my flat. The time
has come. The cold is too much, and so severe in bonny Scotland that I
wake up at 5 in the morning, shivering under my 10 tog duvet. This can't
be the way it was meant to be!! I hate winter.
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
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I'm with Idiot..
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Tooth In Your Foot?
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Have a Very Cheerful Morning
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+ General Joke
Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except
when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
"Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the
same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely
drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew
throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to
see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or
just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and,
"ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you
enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a
lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute
outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:
"High," and "Ultra High".
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't
be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a
teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in
her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned
never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except
that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.
[Note - rounds. - ed.]
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Wednesday, 21 November 2007
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