Joke Compilations: August 2007

Friday, 31 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-31-07

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Thursday, 30 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-30-07

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A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it
    a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
    including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up
    in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old
    Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her
    young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for,
    dear?" Not willing to let Grandma in on her little secret, the young
    girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that
    she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself,"
    she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
    prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was
    bewildered. "But you're so old. How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh,
    it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck â€˜em dry!"

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Fun4U: My Very First Time

JE - Luckiest Customer

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+ The Starter
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Howdy people.

Have a good one, you know the score on Wednesdays!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Lucky Millioneth Customer!
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Wedge Proof Underwear
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Personal Beer Tap
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+ General Joke
One day a travelling salesman was driving down a back country road at
about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken
running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still
keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane
and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the
farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told
him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of
chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they
have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman.
"How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

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Wednesday, 29 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-29-07

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Tuesday, 28 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-28-07

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JE - What you use Google for..

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+ The Starter
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Hey folks.
I've been chilling out today since it's a public holiday in most of the
UK. I've played a bit of golf, eaten a bit of junk food (pies!), now I'm
busy washing and ironing shirts. Yes, it's a non-stop party hard lifestyle
for the TomMeister.

On the plus side, saw Razorlight last night, supported by the talented
'Editors'. If this makes no sense to you at all, type either into Google
and download 'America'. Golden.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
What You Really Use Google for..

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/google.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/google.htm "> AOL </a>

Peeper P. Diddy

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/peeper.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/peeper.htm "> AOL </a>

You're Not Ugly Beautiful

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/beautiful.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/beautiful.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
How To Properly Place New Employees:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

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Monday, 27 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-27-07

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Sunday, 26 August 2007

Fun4U: You've Got Mail

Fun4U: Use A Candle

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Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
    neck. I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to
    have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out
    for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
    Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am
    I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?"

"Yes. Speaking."

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files. HOW?"

"Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue."

"GOD! This is too much."

"Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are
    overdue."

"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak
    to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull,
    rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What
    business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "It's nothing
    serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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Saturday, 25 August 2007

JE - Mmm.. Tasty Meal

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Now then compadres..
Another weekend rolls into view, which is without doubt not a moment too
soon. I even told my boss today I was 'tired' - what a wimp! Obviously,
should've told him I was ready for more, in tiptop shape and awaiting the
next challenge. But was too tired to consider it!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Mmm.. Tasty Meal!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/tasty_meal.htm
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Asleep 19 Years
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/asleep19.htm
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I Wish I Was a Man

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wish_man.htm
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+ General Joke
You can't make this stuff up..
My girl was at the show the night before, if only she'd delayed a day..

From the news ( www.abc.net.au/news )

Dwarf gets pe^is stuck to vacuum cleaner

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh Fringe festival had to be rushed to
hospital after his pe^is got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act
that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or 'Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf', was due to perform
at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball,
offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner
attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix
it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20
seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid
attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled
into a packed A&E [accident and emergency ward] with a vacuum attached
to me," Blackner said.

-AFP

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Friday, 24 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-23-07

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No Holds Barred! 08-23-07

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One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little
boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother
was home.

The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house".

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the
little boy replied,
"No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays
during the rush".

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch".

The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around
knocking on doors telling folks".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have
in common?

They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.

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Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be
better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a
ride.

The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light
district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy,
would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and
said, "Hey guy,would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
"We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been
here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Thursday, 23 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-22-07

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JE - Stick Ball Owned..

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+ The Starter
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Enjoy the fun.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
White House press secretary Tony Snow has announced his
resignation. Last week, political strategist Karl Rove
said he'd be leaving at the end of the month. Before
that, departures included counselor Dan Bartlett, chief
White House attorney Harriet Miers, budget director Bob
Portman, political director Sara Taylor, and a number of
others.

And here you thought no-one in the White House had an exit strategy.

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Tuesday, 21 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-21-07

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Fun4U: 20 Years

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
    bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
    finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front
    of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
    "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
    we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
    making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
    face and said, â€˜Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to
    jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have got free
    today".

-=[-(3614)---------------------------------------------------(lp:67.8%)--]=-
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Joke Compilations

Friday, 31 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-31-07

Thursday, 30 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-30-07

Fun4U: Orange

Fun4U: My Very First Time

JE - Luckiest Customer

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-29-07

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-28-07

JE - What you use Google for..

Monday, 27 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-27-07

Sunday, 26 August 2007

Fun4U: You've Got Mail

Fun4U: Use A Candle

Saturday, 25 August 2007

JE - Mmm.. Tasty Meal

Friday, 24 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-23-07

No Holds Barred! 08-23-07

Thursday, 23 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-22-07

JE - Stick Ball Owned..

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

No Holds Barred! 08-21-07

Fun4U: 20 Years

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