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MJM Newsletter

The Return of Jifman. (by Paul)

Just in time for Christmas is the return of Jifman. I can blame my not being here on many things like work and porn but realistically it's my laziness......that and Joe. I hate him because he's great and has a hot girlfriend.

I always thought that by having a blog that I could write down all that bullshit that comes into my head and bore you silly with it.....funny how stuff doesn't change.....I'm still going to do that.

During my sabbatical from MJM I have still been busy creating content for the site, I need to update the Goofy Bastards section ( I have some new ones ) and I have a ton of Motivational Posters that I made during my drool and flap my lips phase. It has been a while so I may be calling on the wonderful skills of our main Man Mike to refresh me in the "adding content to the site" or I might just click the "submit material" button which is a great tool for seeing some of your stuff published and I encourage all you guys to do that.

I would like to remind you all that there is a great section of the site " Forum" which is the MJM Message Board where you can post anything that passes through your head or if you feel you have the need to vent or cuss or say anything that pisses you off there is a board named "FOAD" the acronym means "Fuck Off And Die" and as you can tell by the title it's a nice warm happy place to vent and listen to other users wonderful anecdotes and colloquialisms.

I shall be updating this blog as often as I can, I shall try to update weekly *fingers crossed* so stay tuned and as Jeff always says "Keep Smiling!"

Peace out Bitches!

Interesting Anagrams (by ron unsworth)

David Ginola - Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor - Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott - Elastic snot

Mel Gibson - Big melons

Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise

Chris Rea - Rich arse

Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below

Evangelist - Evil's Agent

Desperation - A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code - Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler

Semolina - Is No Meal

Hoping to see the POPE (by ron unsworth)

A catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the pope.

He went to St Peter's square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on,ignoring the bishop.

Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter's square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop's shoulder and said.

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"

Out of prison. (by ron unsworth)

There were 3 guys doing time in a cell...
A black guy
A russian guy
and last but not least a Chinese guy..

Guard come up to the cell and says "oi you three..Add the lenth of all your willys and if it adds up to 12 inches I'll let you go..."

Soo the 3 guy agree..
the black guy pulls out his willy and its ''6 inches''..Russian guy pulls out his, Its ''5.5 inches''
Chinese guy pokes out his and its ''0.5 inches''..the guard goes ok and frees them..Later that night the three men meet up at a bar and the black guy goes ''You're lucky I had 6 inches''
The russian guy goes ''You're Lucky I had 5.5 inches'' and the Chinese guy then says ''You're both Lucky I had A ''Hard On.''

Hump day (by Fred Baltes)

LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you
been and why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a
movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered
Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
knocked her out of her chair.
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Only for HOT WOMEN!!!
If you are HOT and you know it ....
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There...... Isn't that better?
Have a Great Day!

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A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...





God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

C elery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more loo k just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that whe n a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look l ike the pancreas and actual ly balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges , Grapefruit s, and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals fr om the body.


Priceless (by Ben)
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Can your pecker touch your ass? (by Ben)
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.



Newly Weds (by ron unsworth)

A man came home from the office and found his new blonde bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!


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