JE - Paperbags

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Tom Evans
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When you need Paperbags..
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Weird Place Names
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These Babes are Tough
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+ General Joke
In the news recently, its been said that Hillary Clinton would be
doing a lot of travelling on behalf of Barack Obama.

For her first trip, he booked her a first-class seat on Qantas right next
to the Oxygen bottle.

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JE - Credit Crunch Front Seat

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Morning guys.
Just back from a long weekend at a 'forest park activity retreat'. You know the
kind - lots of activities based in a forest, a summer camp for families if you
will. Since I was there with the missus for a quiet weekend, you can see the
dilemma. Much as I don't mind kids, I could've done without the screaming little
rascals for four days, but I suppose thats the price you pay for letting the lady
book holidays. Lesson learned.
It's almost a relief to be back to the office tomorrow!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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You Monster
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Fun Banned At Local Beach
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+ General Joke
Think it through..

A pirate clumps into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder,
and a steering wheel attached to his trousers.

The bartender says, "You've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Yaarrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

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Fun4U: The Truth About History Bloopers 1/2

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Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers
from 8th grade through college. (maybe)

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

2) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.

9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.

12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.

14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.

15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

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Fun4U: Questions That Really Need Answers

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1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look down there anyway?

8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

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JE - Ninjas

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Bush Facechanger
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+ General Joke

Kay and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a
handsome bloke by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together.
When they get back to his place, he shows her around his flat.

One weird thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted
to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf
contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly
larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains
gigantic teddy bears.

Kay is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of
stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is
actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone
he just met.

One thing leads to another and before long they are making love. The next
morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she
notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good
for you, too?"

The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the
bottom shelf.....

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JE - The Prank

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+ General Joke
A disgruntled soldier was jaded with the inefficiency of the army. He
transferred to different regiments, only to be faced with constant displays
of ineptitude. As a last resort he tried the paratroopers, where things
looked to be improving. As he soared into the air for the first jump, his
instructor gathered all the trainees together. "There's nothing to this,
men. After you jump, count to ten and pull on your ripcord to open your
parachute. If that fails, you have an auxilliary chute. This is
activated by second ripcord, which you should pull after counting to five. We
will have a truck waiting close to the landing site to take you back to the base."

When he jumped out and counted to ten, he quickly discovered the rip
cord flapping freely in his hand.

When he pulled the second cord, it also detached itself. And as he
rocketed down past his startled comrades, they heard him yelling: "This
@&^%*?# army! They probably don't have a truck down there either!"

Sadly he never grasped the gravity of his situation.

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JE - Obama Tries Subliminal

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Another week, another dollar!

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Air Phone Big Concern Of Cell
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Political Reality TV From Dona
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+ General Joke
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thankyou,' says the
little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied
one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's
testicles.

'Little friend,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren,
would I?'

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JE - Golf is Dangerous

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Enjoy the golf this weekend folks!

Tom Evans
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+ General Joke
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the
earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man
wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and
a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie,
"But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive
twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
"Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...
to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into
the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment
from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new
twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a
puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones
grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as
attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

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Fun4U: Brain Food

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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,' Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. 'But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough
of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece,' says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, ' says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Green,' he says, 'You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when
I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Morris. 'You're smarter already.'

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Fun4U: No Room at the Inn

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By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was
taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just
a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one
occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be
glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly
that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next
morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy
tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The
manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I
shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Goodnight beautiful,'

... and he sat up all night watching me."

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JE - Why Women Love Golf

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+ General Joke
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

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JE - Pope Ready to Rock

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Hey folks. I'm just back from T in the Park - the biggest and bestest music
festival in Scotland (http://www.tinthepark.com). Lots of fun, with REM
headlining last night and finishing the set with 'End of the World', then
'Man on the Moon'. Priceless.

Smaller act worth plugging into YouTube - Black Kids. Fantastic!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Air Phone Big Concern Of Cell

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+ General Joke

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother and
comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He
had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even.Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive today if
that bloody ice cream van hadn't come along.

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Fun4U: You Know You're From Tennessee When(2)

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You measure distance in minutes, not miles.

You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe redneck kids with
their brand-new Fords and their designer holey jeans and cowboy hats.

Boomsday in Knoxville is equal to New Year's Eve at Times Square.

Knoxville becomes the third largest city every Saturday in the fall.

Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most people from
Tennessee begin drinking sweet tea even before they can drink out
of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start
drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.

You own only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page but
require six pages for local gossip and sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

Fried catfish is "the other white meat."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean
weather.

You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's and uncles'
pickup trucks were training enough.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

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Fun4U: Blind Date

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"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

-=[-(3649)---------------------------------------------------(lp:74.4%)--]=-
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JE - Internet - Makes you feel intelligent

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+ The Starter
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+ New Funny Pics:
Internet - Makes you feel intelligent
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/internet.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/internet.htm "> AOL </a>

I Wish I Was a Man
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/man.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/man.htm "> AOL </a>

Art Film Aims To Suck
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/art.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/art.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke

Q: Why are men better then women in reading maps?
A: Because only a man can look at 2.5 centimeters and imagine it to be a mile.

So true..

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JE - Watch out - Big Spiders in Oz

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Off to festival this weekend - REM and Rage Against the Machine headlining!
Adieu til Monday!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Watch out - Big Spiders in Oz!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bigspider.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bigspider.htm "> AOL </a>

Plea by Rebel Leader's Girl
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Dr. Phil Exposed
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/phil.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/phil.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke

The Night out..

My wife asked me to take her somewhere very expensive.

So I took her to the f*^king gas station :-(

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Fun4U: You Know You're From Tennessee When(1)

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(Most of these apply to Alabama as well!)

You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred Thompson.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and
Christmas.

You laugh when people from anywhere north of Tennessee try to say or spell
"y'all."

It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."

It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."

A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.

You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter
inside, and closing it back up again.

Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.

Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be pronounced.

Sales tax is 9.75%.

You shop at Wal-Mart for groceries, not at a grocery store.

You don't drive in Knoxville on game day. EVER.

You or your friends chew.

You can't remember the last time you saw snow.

You know when Elvis Presley Day is.

You know all of the words to "Rocky Top."

You avoid going anywhere near Bristol Motor Speedway on race weekend.

You think it's worth it driving to Alabama just to save 1.25% on the
sales tax.

You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.

Your Wal-Mart has specific parking spots for horses and buggies.

You use "commode" in conversations and absolutely no one knows what you're
talking about.

You barely get snow days because there's hardly ever any snow. Better
yet, you get snow days if your local weather stations predict even
the slightest bit of snow!

You and everyone you know goes to one vacation spot: Panama City.

You know how to do the watermelon crawl.

Everything is COKE, and if you don't like it, tough. Ex: "You want a
COKE?" "Sure." "Which kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

You're in a Carhartt jacket one day, shorts the next, and no one thinks
anything about it.

Everyone you know owns a truck, and at least one of those trucks is just
painted with primer or more colors than the rainbow.

-=[-(3648)---------------------------------------------------(lp:74.3%)--]=-
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Fun4U: "Say What?"

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Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights
people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are
asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever
bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

-=[-(3647)---------------------------------------------------(lp:74.3%)--]=-
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JE - No Country for McCain

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+ The Starter
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No Country for McCain..
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Blending In

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Zombie Chick
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/zombie.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
John McCain Is So Old....

....the Big Bang woke him up.
....he once lost a quarter in the Primordial Ooze.
....Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution, but John McCain witnessed it.
....it takes an archeologist to dig up dirt on him.
....his parents were named McAdam and McEve.
....in 1st grade he only had to learn one continent on the flat earth.
....ALL parties were toga parties when he was in school.
....his library card says "Alexandria" on it.
....he used to fake Bubonic Plague to get out of class for the day.
....when God said "Let there be light", John McCain rubbed two sticks together.
....his copy of the Bible is autographed.
....he owes Moses twenty bucks.
....he remembers when Iraq was Mesopotamia.
....Joe Lieberman has to remind him not to refer to Iranians as "Proto-Elamites."
....he lost his first election to a guy named "Og."
....he voted against the Papyrus Reduction Act.
....his original Straight Talk Express was a chariot.
....he voted against funding the Pyramids.
....when the walls of Jericho fell down, he blocked legislation to rebuild.
....he actually has ears loaned to him by Friends, Romans, Countrymen.

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JE - Wimbledon Ladies Final..or not

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TGI Friday! And about time. I've had a very slow week, the weather has been good,
and luckily Wimbledon is nearly finished. I'm just not into it at all, the whole
'old English upper class' thing, and heck, I'm English!

Let's face facts, we're rubbish at tennis, we don't have an empire, and we should
just accept that the only thing we do well is party-hard music festivals and
drinking tea. And that's how we like it!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
NOT Coming to a Wimbledon Final..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/wimbledon_final.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/wimbledon_final.htm "> AOL </a>

Deodorant Commercial Accurate
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/deodorant.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/deodorant.htm "> AOL </a>

These Babes are Tough

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/tough.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/tough.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the bottle".

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JE - Let's Face Facts

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Enjoy!
Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Let's Face Facts.. You're Fat!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fat.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/fat.htm "> AOL </a>

Pleeeease Answer Me:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/answer.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/answer.htm "> AOL </a>

Lady Ruth Will Make You Rich:

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/ladyruth.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/ladyruth.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
So, I'm walking through WalMart and my eye catches a fake-flower bridal
bouquet (with box!) at the end of the aisle.

I wondered, I have to admit, what bride would pick up her bouquet at
WalMart? - Then I realized I was observing WalMart's marketing brilliance
at work.

The bridal bouquets were only three aisles over from the shotguns...

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JE - OMG - Look at the Gas Price

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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Have a top week!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Oh My God, Look at Gas Prices!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/gasprices.htm
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Halle Berry Distracts Host
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Lindsay Lohan DUI
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/lohan.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/lohan.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A man with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales representative for a large
firm.

The interviewer looked over his papers and said, "You've graduated from the best schools,
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd
hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible
position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry . . . . we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man protested, "if I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"

The applicant reached into his jacket pocket and began pulling out all sorts of cond0ms:
red cond0ms, blue cond0ms, ribbed cond0ms, Assorted c0ndoms. Finally finding a packet of
aspirin at the bottom. He tore it open, swallowed the tablets, and stopped winking.

"Oh dear," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable
company, and we can't have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these cond0ms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemist's and asked for aspirin while
winking?"

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