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Opening a bank account (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished female teller replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account -
now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."

The teller leaves the window and walks over to the bank manager to inform
him of the situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to
listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," barks the old man. "I just won 50 million
Euros in the damn Euro lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank!"
" I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Trailer sex (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)
209.
A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!


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[No Holds Barred] for DEC 29 2008

===========================================================

      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

       Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!

Greetings!

I'm Papa Thorn, and will be taking over for Doug Aiken with
this fine batch of goodies.  Nothing will be changing, so
just set back and enjoy as usual!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toons

Stink fish
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001fishin_3.jpg

Fruit bowl
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001Fruitx001.jpg

Holy backfire
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001HOLY_Shit.jpg

Kicked in
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001kicked-in.jpg

Weight lifting
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/m050.html

Gone
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/m051.html

Carrot talk
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001EatMoreVeggiesx001.jpg

Library scholar
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001Library_scholar.jpg

Marriage
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001Marriage.jpg

Milk maid
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001milk.gif

Pimp Juice
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=001DrinkUpx001.jpg

BUSTED!
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/m053.html

In a way
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/m055.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Extras...MOVIES

Women... know your limits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU

Willie Wonka's Secret
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonka_A_Recut_Trailer

CSI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQdpirkwGBU

Secretary's Ass
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/120612.htm

Bad judgment
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies2442.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle
when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.

After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at
this waterfall, I think  of the great American Constitution, you
know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the
freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature".

The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the
great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running".

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look
at this waterfall, I think of oral sex".

The American and the German look at him in amazement

"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"

"Uh. everything I look at makes me think of oral sex".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE HORSE RACEHORSE RACE Line up and odds:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to 1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure
from Big Dick.
AT THE TURN Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in
the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in
and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE STRETCH: It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide

AT THE FINISH  It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head.
Bare Belly shows Thighs continue to fall back.
Heavy Bosom pulls up And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving  the
dressing room.

"Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her
again."

"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing
it with that great looking broad?"

"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come later....
just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

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Able2Laugh-subscribe@topica.com

===========================================================

 


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The Family Tree (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)
161.
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a great shock."


Walter (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)
162.
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a
little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!"


The stand in teacher (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

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Invited guests (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion." Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!", to which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in." Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.

Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner." To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent, "Actually I was invited!","Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion." The black guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!" (Deep in this pear)

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JE - Your Christmas Gift

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wednesday 24th December, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
and again, Merry Christmas too every reader!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Your Christmas Gift
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/christmas_gift.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/christmas_gift.htm "> AOL </a>

Xmas Trees
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/xmas.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/xmas.htm "> AOL </a>

Polar Bear Dance
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/polar.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/polar.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
There seems to be a lack of new "product" about and as it is that time
of the year when everybody is rerunning their favourite this or that,
I thought I would post one of my favourites just in case there is
anybody who has not seen it before:

John was a meeter and greeter at a Walmart. He was very good at
his job, in fact he was the best one they had ever had. There was only
one problem - he always seemed to be ten or fifteen minutes late in
the morning.

Finally the manager called him in to his office and said, "John, we
have a problem. I have no complaint about your work, in fact you are
really good at what you do and I only wish the rest of the staff were
as smart, friendly and efficient as you are but you really must get
here on time in the morning."

John replied, "Yes I am aware of the problem and I assure you that I
really do try to be punctual."

The manager said, " I believe you were in the army before you came
here, John, how did you cope there? What did they say to you when you
arrived quarter of an hour late in the morning?"

"Well they usually said, 'Good morning, Colonel, would you like tea or
coffee?'"

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

+ Contact Information
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wanna leave? See the base of this email for info.
Advertising info: http://www.jokeemail.com/advertinfo.htm

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JE - Ho Ho Ho

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Monday 22nd December, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Merry Christmas to one and all!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Mr T says Ho Ho Ho..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hohoho.htm
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Santa's Little Helpers
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/santa.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/santa.htm "> AOL </a>

Waffle House to Big House
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/waffle.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/waffle.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
An Italian, a French and an American were having lunch together. They
were all husbands and had started to boast to each other about how
good they were in bed.

The Italian guy said, "Lasta nighta, i make love to me wife 3 times!
Thisa morning, she said to me that im the greatest lover in the whole
world!"

The French guy said, "Ah zat is nuthing! Last night i make love to my
wife 5 times! Zis morning she zaid i iz the super lover in the whole
world!"

All this time the American guy sat there quietly eating his lunch. The
two guys turned to him and asked "Hey how about you? How many times
did you make love to your wife last night?"

The American guy said, "Oh, one time."

"Hahahaha, one time? That is so pathetic, and what did your wife say
to you this morning?" laughed the other two guys.

"Don't stop." said the american.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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+ Contact Information
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Two Fleas (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers moustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers moustache!


Restaurant (by ron unsworth, published Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00)

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a Liverpool restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you men think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is jerking off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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JE - Whatever Bush Can Do..

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Friday 19th December, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
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this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Christmas Party season arrives!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
But Can Obama Do THIS?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bush_obama.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bush_obama.htm "> AOL </a>

Man with no face
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/noface.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/noface.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A guy wearing an Army football jersey walks into a bar, carrying a
cat. The cat is also dressed in a little Army jersey.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Army- Navy
game here? My cable is out, and my cat and I always watch the game
together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in my bar,
but it's not very busy right now, so you and the cat can have a seat
at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the
cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty
soon Army manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on
the bar, meows loudly, runs over to the bartender and gives him a
high-five.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a
touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

+ Contact Information
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JE - Bungee Jumping Lesson

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wednesday 17th December, 2008 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Busy week in the office for me. I can't articulate quite exactly
what I'm up to, since I happen to work for a bank and you know that
things are a little fraught right now in that regard!

Suffice to say, I need all the humor I can get!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Bungee Jumping Lesson
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New Economy Stimulus Package
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Bathroom Time Monitored
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bathroom.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/bathroom.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and
says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work."

The bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the
Corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks,
"Tough job, huh?

The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad
temperaments.

And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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+ Contact Information
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Wanna leave? See the base of this email for info.
Advertising info: http://www.jokeemail.com/advertinfo.htm

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JE - Laura shows how to do it

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Monday 15th December, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
..and the bad news continues. I wonder whether we'll ever get out
of this ecomonic mess. Thus, laugh longer and harder at today's
issue..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Laura shows how it's done
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bush_shoe.htm "> AOL </a>

A Total Breakdown
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/noface.htm "> AOL </a>

Cheating May Cost You More Than Breakfast Cheating May Cost You More Than Breakfast
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/noface.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/noface.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A modern parable, which is close to the bone; and sadly.. painfully true.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate
the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people
rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat,
while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure
was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2
people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free
pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles,
canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and
bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and
some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting
programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted
development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all
capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed
to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to
even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for
unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next
year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty
years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make
money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants
inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in
losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

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JE - Monday Feeling

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Well folks, I've had a very quiet weekend, which is just what I
needed. The highlight (aside from a $800 near-miss on the sports
wagering) was watching the boxing.. not the Pac-Man - de la Hoya
bout, but the mightly Carl "the Cobra" Froch, who hails from my
very own hometown of Nottingham, England.

His battle with Jean Pascal of Montreal was one for the ages - a
real barnstorming brumaker. Get yourself onto Youtube and check it
out - its 12 rounds of pure mayhem!

Have a top week.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Newsletter

MJM Newsletter

The Return of Jifman. (by Paul)

Just in time for Christmas is the return of Jifman. I can blame my not being here on many things like work and porn but realistically it's my laziness......that and Joe. I hate him because he's great and has a hot girlfriend.

I always thought that by having a blog that I could write down all that bullshit that comes into my head and bore you silly with it.....funny how stuff doesn't change.....I'm still going to do that.

During my sabbatical from MJM I have still been busy creating content for the site, I need to update the Goofy Bastards section ( I have some new ones ) and I have a ton of Motivational Posters that I made during my drool and flap my lips phase. It has been a while so I may be calling on the wonderful skills of our main Man Mike to refresh me in the "adding content to the site" or I might just click the "submit material" button which is a great tool for seeing some of your stuff published and I encourage all you guys to do that.

I would like to remind you all that there is a great section of the site " Forum" which is the MJM Message Board where you can post anything that passes through your head or if you feel you have the need to vent or cuss or say anything that pisses you off there is a board named "FOAD" the acronym means "Fuck Off And Die" and as you can tell by the title it's a nice warm happy place to vent and listen to other users wonderful anecdotes and colloquialisms.

I shall be updating this blog as often as I can, I shall try to update weekly *fingers crossed* so stay tuned and as Jeff always says "Keep Smiling!"

Peace out Bitches!

Interesting Anagrams (by ron unsworth)

David Ginola - Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor - Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott - Elastic snot

Mel Gibson - Big melons

Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise

Chris Rea - Rich arse

Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below

Evangelist - Evil's Agent

Desperation - A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code - Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler

Semolina - Is No Meal

Hoping to see the POPE (by ron unsworth)

A catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the pope.

He went to St Peter's square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on,ignoring the bishop.

Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter's square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop's shoulder and said.

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"

Out of prison. (by ron unsworth)

There were 3 guys doing time in a cell...
A black guy
A russian guy
and last but not least a Chinese guy..

Guard come up to the cell and says "oi you three..Add the lenth of all your willys and if it adds up to 12 inches I'll let you go..."

Soo the 3 guy agree..
the black guy pulls out his willy and its ''6 inches''..Russian guy pulls out his, Its ''5.5 inches''
Chinese guy pokes out his and its ''0.5 inches''..the guard goes ok and frees them..Later that night the three men meet up at a bar and the black guy goes ''You're lucky I had 6 inches''
The russian guy goes ''You're Lucky I had 5.5 inches'' and the Chinese guy then says ''You're both Lucky I had A ''Hard On.''

Hump day (by Fred Baltes)

LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you
been and why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a
movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered
Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
knocked her out of her chair.
************************************************************

Only for HOT WOMEN!!!
If you are HOT and you know it ....
Scroll down.
If you are not, close and delete
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!
There...... Isn't that better?
Have a Great Day!

**************************************************************

A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...





God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

C elery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more loo k just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that whe n a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look l ike the pancreas and actual ly balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges , Grapefruit s, and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals fr om the body.


Priceless (by Ben)
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Can your pecker touch your ass? (by Ben)
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.



Newly Weds (by ron unsworth)

A man came home from the office and found his new blonde bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!


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Fun4U: Man At The Beach

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One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even
though the beach was a not a nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he
doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper
to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain
around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he
could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said
"well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff
at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs,
and burned it's nest."

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Fun4U: The Birds and the Bees

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A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his
four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, soaking in
the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna
have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun -
I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going
when he hit that cow?"

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JE - Desperate Times

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Morning all.
I'm racing out of the door as I type. It's minus 8 here today. No joke.

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Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept
in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and
I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky
day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it
my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her
neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She
explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

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JE - Who Needs an iPhone?

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Morning all.
Enjoy the banter folks.

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+ General Joke
Three barmaids went for a job interview.

Q. to number1.
'If you found ten bucks on the floor, what would you do with it?
A. Number1.
'Stick it in my purse'

Same Q. number 2.
A. Number 2.
'Shout out to the bar, find the owner'

Same Q. number 3.
A. number 3.
'I would put it in your till'

Q. Who got the job?

A. The one with the huge t1ts.

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JE - We're Not Banking

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Weekend time! Oh yes.

Tom Evans
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+ New Funny Pics:
We're Not Lending
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/no_banking.htm "> AOL </a>

Lousy Bum
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<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/lousy.htm "> AOL </a>

Bad Boy Drill
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/drill.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/drill.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Once upon a time, there lived a green man in a green house which was
in a green district. One day while he was bathing, a female friend of
his came round to visit and rang the doorbell. Upon hearing his
doorbell, the green man hastily wrapped a towel round himself and went
to open the door. At that moment, he accidentally dropped his towel
and his friend screamed in shock. Still screaming, she ran off and got
knocked down when she dashed across a road. She died, the end.

What is the moral of the story?

Ans: NEVER cross the road when the green man is flashing.

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JE - Credit Crunch Monopoly

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Wednesday 26th November, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Right guys.
Bit of a short edition today, but nonetheless packed!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Credit Crunch Monopoly
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/monopoly.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/monopoly.htm "> AOL </a>

Monkeys, Mar1juana & Crime
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/monkeys.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/monkeys.htm "> AOL </a>

Obama Irish Song is Smash Hit
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/irish.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/irish.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
At his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said
America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics.
In other words, we're totally screwed.

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JE - Hitting Rock Bottom

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Tuesday 25th November, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Morning all.

Had a busy weekend down in the north of England catching up with
my pals I met in Australia a few years ago (for the hardened JE
subscribers, you may recall the 'interesting' photos from my world
trip way back then..

http://www.jokeemail.com/travels/oz/oz1.htm

So, few beers, bit of partying, and then I enjoyed the boxing as
'Magic Man' Malinaggi presented a nice illusion of someone getting
whupped by our local hero Ricky 'Fatton'. Good times.

But back in Scotland today, back to the grind. Joy.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Hitting Rock Bottom..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/rockbottom.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/rockbottom.htm "> AOL </a>

N1pple Twist
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/twist.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/twist.htm "> AOL </a>

Kissing Cops Banned
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/banned.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/banned.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
An intellectual puzzler to kick off the week!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one
orders a beer, the second orders half a beer the third asks for a
quarter of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the bartender says
"You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

If you don't get it, consult a friendly maths geek.

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JE - Opinions Best Kept to Yourself

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Friday 21st November, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Opinions Best Kept to Yourself
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/opinions.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/opinions.htm "> AOL </a>

I Look Like My Dog
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wedgie.htm "> AOL </a>

Dirty Harry
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wiki.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said,
"How 'bout some relaxing fun honey... only $50... you look all uptight."

"No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So???" queried the hooker.

"My wife only charges $35."

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JE - Hugo Chavez Saves the Economy

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Wednesday 19th November, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ho hum. Here's todays humor for you lucky lucky people.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Hugo Chavez Saves the Economy
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hugo.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/hugo.htm "> AOL </a>

Cutest Kitten Ever
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/kitten.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/kitten.htm "> AOL </a>

Gorgeous Person Day
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/person.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/person.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
It's election day. A conservative goes in to a bar and orders 10 shots of whisky.

One by one is drinks them down.

The bartender, a RINO, says "wow, what was that about?"

The conservative replies, "Just cast my vote for McCain."

Bartender says, "Great, let me buy you another one"

Conservative says,
"No thanks, if 10 doesn't wash the taste out of my mouth nothing will"

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