JE - Raise the Flag this Weekend

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+ The Starter
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Morning folks. I'm off to T in the Park - Scotland's biggest and best
music festival - for the weekend. Weather ain't gonna be great, but the
Killers and Scissor Sisters should make up for that!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Raise the Flag!
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+ General Joke
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,

"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man
who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The
teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and
I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus
Christ. "

Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business."

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No Holds Barred! 07-05-07

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Fun4U: Six Inches Off The Ground

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided
    to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
 
 "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
 
 "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We
    stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about
    to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So
    I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by
    my fingernails!"
 
 "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
 
 "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
 
 "When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You're naked
    already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a
    bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
 
 "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
 
 "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I
    had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished,
    the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it
    land? My damned forehead!"
 
 "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
 
 "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband
    had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he
    stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
 
 The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
 
 "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
    REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet
    were only SIX inches off the ground!"
 
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Fun4U: The Magic Sandals

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This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around
    the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
    small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian
    accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
 
 So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some
    special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild
    at sex like great desert camel."
 
 Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
    the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
    you into a sex freak?"
 
 The Indian man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after some
    badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon
    as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
    something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye,
    the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table,
    yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
    hold of the Indian's thighs.
 
 The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
 
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JE - Harassment in the Office..

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+ The Starter
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It's a sad state of affairs when my evening consists of watching 'BIG'
on tv, after a stupifying 13 hours sat in the office. It's literally
all I can do to press play on the DVD player, eat some couscous, and
ponder why Tom Hank's Dad seems absent for the majority of the film
once he disappears, and there isn't any Police on his tail. I'm kinda
thinking if my son was 'kidnapped' by a man wearing his clothes, and
claiming to be him.. I'd be throwing Ironside on the case. Or Quincy at
the very least..

Anyway, today's Wednesday so you can start the weekly countdown to the
weekend!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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+ General Joke
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my
inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the
desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal
info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the
office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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JE - Paris Arrested on Holiday

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+ The Starter
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Afternoon guys.
Busy day at the office and after helping my girl move into her new flat,
I'm collapsed on the sofa with a cup of good ol' tea, and a yoghurt to
ease my woes.

Watching Wimbledon on the tele, which means I'm watching the rain fall,
and the crowds scarper. You have to ask yourself, when will the people at
Wimbledon get some sense and either move the event to July (less rain), or
cover the show courts with some kind of ceiling contraption. It's hardly
rocket science!

Roll on the Rodd anyway. At 20-1, he's my meal ticket til payday!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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+ General Joke
The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial
pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began. "You have observed the white man
for 90 years.

You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his
progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so. The
official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where
did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
There were... no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did
all the work, medicine man

free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night made
love to his woman."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled,

"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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JE - What You Doing Today?

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+ The Starter
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I've decided Friday is the best day of the week, bar none.
That's the sum total of my musings this month, roll on July and some
sunny weather for Scotland (finally!)

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

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+ General Joke
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly
collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped
a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed
in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except
that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money
that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the
air, and what God wants, God takes!"

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