JE - Get Along

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+ The Starter
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Here it is folks..

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Why can't we all just get along?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/get_along.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/get_along.htm "> AOL </a>

Hidden in Time: Mirror Mirror
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/mirror.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/mirror.htm "> AOL </a>

The Hidden Object Show Combo Pack
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/combo.htm
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+ General Joke

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing
was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing,
when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the
procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse
passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he
resume playing, driving his ball to the green.

As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, "That was
a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no
idea you were so sentimental."

The first man shrugged and said, "It's the least I could do. I was
married to her for thirty years."

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JE - Where's McCain when you need him

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+ The Starter
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Howdy all.
So I had a very quiet and relaxed weekend. Just one of those "chill
at home and do nothing" type weekends, when you're literally struggling
to fill the hours between meals. Nothing better.

Plus, I've quit the beer for the month of June, so I'm feeling healthier
and richer as we move towards festival and party high season. T in the Park
(http://www.tinthepark.com) beckons within weeks, and you simply cannot
beat a bit of Blur, Elbow, Editors and Razorlight (plus the Killers).

Still, the sun is shining here in Scotland for once, so I'd rather be outside!
So, have a good day, and catch up with you all tomorrow...

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Where's McCain when you need him
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/mccain_iran.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/mccain_iran.htm "> AOL </a>

Return to Ravenhearst
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/raven.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/raven.htm "> AOL </a>

The Earth is Flat
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/earth.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/earth.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?

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Fun4U: World's Smallest Books

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A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
 A Guide To Australian Etiquette
 A Millenium Of German Humor
 Anagrams Of The Word "A"
 Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
 'Behave Yourself' by David Letterman
 Blacks I Met While Rowing
 Blind Dates That Worked Out
 Burger King Items That Start With "Mc"
 Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
 Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
 Detroit - A Travel Guide
 Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
 Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
 Everything Men Know About Women
 Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
 Feminists Worth Marrying
 French Hospitality
 French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins
 Fun With Unix
 George Bush: 'The Wild Years'
 Good English Cooking
 Good Norwegian Jokes
 Household Uses For Plutonium
 'How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse Jackson
 Italian War Heroes
 Jewish Sports Legends
 'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray Charles
 Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
 Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
 Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
 'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat
 'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova
 'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson
 'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan
 National Directory Of Irish AA Members
 Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid
 One-Legged Folk Dances
 'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro
 Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
 Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
 Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain
 Romantic Words Beginning With "X"
 Satan's Love Letters
 Scottish World Cup Successes
 Sign Language For The Blind
 Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
 Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
 The Genius Of Barry Manilow
 'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin
 The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
 Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
 Things That Taste Better With Arsenic
 Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
 Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
 Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas
 'Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace
 Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation
 
 (See also JokeNr: )
 
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Fun4U: Little Johnny CLXXXIX

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HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
 JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
 
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Fun4U: Attitude and Bullshit

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We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How
    about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove
    helpful in the future.
 
 If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
 can be represented as:
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
 
 Then, by adding the values of the letters, we see that
 
 H A R D W O R K
 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%, and
 
 K N O W L E D G E
 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% but
 
 A T T I T U D E
 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 % and
 
 B U L L S H I T
 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
 
 So, it may be argued that though hard work and knowledge will get you
    close, it's attitude and bullshit that put you over the top.
 
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Fun4U: Another "all my life" story

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Fact can be funnier than fiction. Here is another true story:
 
 My brother's future mother-in-law held an engagement party. When I entered
    the room she shouted across the room for all to hear (and be impressed
    by): "Oh Harry! Where have you been all my life?"
 
 My reply was "Well, for the first thirty years I easn't even born."
 
 That was thirty years ago, and during all this time she has never spoken
    to me once.
 
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JE - Finland the superpower

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Friday 19th June, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Weekend has landed!!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Finland - Superpower!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/finland.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/finland.htm "> AOL </a>

Easy Meal in Africa
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm "> AOL </a>

Frogs in Love
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the
eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The a4shole is usually the one in charge.

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Fun4U: Punishing the Rabbi

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It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud,
    looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why,
    it's a rabbi. And he's playing golf on Yom Kippur.
 
 "Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest
    day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
 
 "... Whatcha gonna do?"
 
 "Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
 
 So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his
    shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air,
    higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then
    slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards
    the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
 
 "Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in
    one!" complains the angel.
 
 "You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
 
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Fun4U: Little Johnny 194

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The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students:
 
 "Now tell me what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
    are no longer interested?"
 
 Little Johnny, sitting in the back row replied "A Teacher"
 
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JE - Swine Flu

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+ The Starter
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Hey folks.

Well, I thought I'd give a quick update on my activities over the last
few weeks. Firstly, I rocked up to my mate Greg's stag do down in the
surf capital of the UK - Newquay, Cornwall!

Now, I'm not the best surfer in the world, especially after a few jars in
one the most hellishly small towns that happen to be full of stag and hen
parties. I just wanted to chill out, relax, have a few beers. Is this
what middle age feels like?! The funniest part of the weekend though -
without a shadow of a doubt - was our friend being 'escorted' from a strip
club by a bouncer. His crime? Providing 'feedback' to the dancer on her
form.

Quote: "How was that?"
Reply: "I've had better."

Priceless.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Swine Flu
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/swine_flu.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/swine_flu.htm "> AOL </a>

Annabel
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/anna.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/anna.htm "> AOL </a>

Freestyle With Footballs
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/freestyle.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/freestyle.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it..

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start...'

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JE - Bravery

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+ The Starter
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Welcome to a new week!
Got some time this week to keep you posted on my adventures
and travails over the last fortnight. Watch out Weds!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

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Definition of Bravery
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Cat Urine Glows
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Cardboard Safari
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+ General Joke
Follow these carefully!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card..
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with Pin written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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Fun4U: Chocolate

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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
    too slowly.
 
 Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
    count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
 
 The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
    car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
 
 Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
    your appetite and you'll eat less.
 
 A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
    in one place. Isn't that handy?
 
 If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
    you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
 
 If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
    fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
    chocolate to protect themselves.
 
 If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
    balanced diet?
 
 Money talks. Chocolate sings.
 
 Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
 
 Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because
    no one wants to quit.
 
 If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
    entire garment industry would be devastated.
 
 Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
    way, at least you'll get one thing done.
 
 I may be a chocoholic, but at least I follow the rules...
 
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-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/3001                ]=-
-=[       to rate this joke from 1 to 5.                                 ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

Fun4U: Religious Tech Support

-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
-=[   Fun4you a service of FuN - wOrLd - http://www.hehe.at/funworld/   ]=-
-=[   un/subscribe requests @ http://www.hehe.at/funworld/fun4you.html  ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

Ring ring...
 
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 
 Sinner:  I seem to have lost my faith.
 
 God:  Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?
 
 Sinner:  Ummm...  lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been
    a priest.
 
 God:  And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services©?
 
 Sinner:  Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
    Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
 
 God:  Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted
    your faith?
 
 Sinner:  Not that I can think of...
 
 God:  Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
    Simple Lies ©*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there
    is that Guy Peter at Fun4U Humor List!  Have your Ears downloaded
    anything that might be construed as corrupting?
 
 Sinner:  Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was
    asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires
    of hell.
 
 God:  What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
    you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let
    you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell.
    Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
 
 Sinner:  And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
 
 God:  Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible? and
    recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
    passages about Judas.ini ©.  You can also find some help in the Psalms
    100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with
    a complete lack of Faith.
 
 Sinner:  And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?
 
 God:  Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
    Lotus Devout?, Microsoft Seminary Plus?, and Netscape Hereafter Browser?.
    If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting
    sources, you should be fine.
 
 Sinner:  Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot,
    I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
 
 God:  Go in Peace? my son.
 
 Ring ring...
 
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 
 Sinner:  Hello, I am now Jewish?...
 
-=[-(r  22)--------------------------------------------------(lp:73.9%)--]=-
-=[  latest jokes online at  http://funworld.hehe.at/archive/?id=latest ]=-
-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/22                ]=-
-=[       to rate this joke from 1 to 5.                                 ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

Fun4U: Not In The Book

-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
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-=[   un/subscribe requests @ http://www.hehe.at/funworld/fun4you.html  ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
 
 St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
    written in it.
 
 After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
    and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
 
 "How current is your copy?" he asks.
 
 "I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
 
 "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was
    not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name
    probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
 
 "I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the
    update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that
    you did in your life?"
 
 The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time
    when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members
    harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
    were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got
    out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
    leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a
    studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
    As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me
    and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
 
 "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the
    head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of
    them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK,
    deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
 
 St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
 
 "About three minutes ago."
 
-=[-(r3117)--------------------------------------------------(lp:77.6%)--]=-
-=[  latest jokes online at  http://funworld.hehe.at/archive/?id=latest ]=-
-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/3117                ]=-
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-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

Fun4U: We are Lost

-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-
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-=[   un/subscribe requests @ http://www.hehe.at/funworld/fun4you.html  ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally
    they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the
    gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and
    asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
 
 The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
 
 The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really
    are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
 
-=[-(r1199)--------------------------------------------------(lp:77.6%)--]=-
-=[  latest jokes online at  http://funworld.hehe.at/archive/?id=latest ]=-
-=[ NEW!  Go to http://www.hehe.at/funworld/archive/1199                ]=-
-=[       to rate this joke from 1 to 5.                                 ]=-
-=[----------------------------------------------------------------------]=-

JE - Guitar Hero

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thursday 4th June, 2009 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Weekend only just around the corner. I'm off to a stag weekend for
one of my very good friends who's putting pen to paper in late July.

He's maturer than I am, thats for sure!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Guitar Hero
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/guitar_hero.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/guitar_hero.htm "> AOL </a>

Dog Peeing Earns $100,000
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

+ Contact Information
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wanna leave? See the base of this email for info.
Advertising info: http://www.jokeemail.com/advertinfo.htm

This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X
© Copyright 2008 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
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[No Holds Barred] for MAY 29 2009

${top_html_ad}
                     \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////
 
                           Welcome to all the new subscribers!
            Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!
 
              PLEASE support this list by checking out the sponsors!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grandmas birth control pills!
 
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
 
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
 
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
 
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
 
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
 
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks.   And,
believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The coffee break, even for those who realize that caffeine may not be
good for them, still beats staying at the desk and working.
 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's
sitting by herself...
 
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
 
Maxine: 'No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs.'
 
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell up?'
 
Maxine: 'No, they spread apart."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Us drunks don't have to attend all those meetings. --- Johnny Bond
 
Q. What three words can ruin a man's ego.
A. "Is it in?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Attention frustrated cat owners…
 
A Quick and Easy, Step-By-Step Guide
That Reveals The Secrets To A Well-Behaved Cat
http://e66f3-kdix03o240s54z9k8wbc.hop.clickbank.net/
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FROM THE BOWELS OF AN AA MEETING
 
A True Story from the Jacksonville, Florida Police Dept.
 
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead
with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile
away.
 
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house
just a block away.
 
The police tell the man to stay put as they will be right back. They
hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
 
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he
gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.
 
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
 
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police
car, with all its lights still flashing.
 
True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When you open a bag of cotton balls...
is the top one meant to be thrown away?
 
Would it be considered sexual harrassment if a midget walked by you
and told you your hair smelled good ???

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                                             TOONS
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Gymnastic basketball
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=sports0034.jpg
 
Stone cold pussy
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Stone-cold-pussy.jpg
 
Suck more
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=suck-more.jpg
 
Surprise!
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Surprise.jpg
 
Explicit
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=tshirt-010.jpg
 
Wrong way to eat squash  [naughty alert]
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Veggiesx011.jpg
 
Wild burros       
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=Wild-burros
 
Horse racing
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=asports-Horse_Race
 
Hey You...               
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=sign012.jpg
 
Big Splash                   
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=SPLASH!
 
Tightrope                   
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=sports0013
 
Landscaping            
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=terraforming.jpg
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
SALES  &  CLOSEOUTS
 
5 pages full of great deals on sexy fun items
http://www.sextoyfun.com/category.php?a=freehole&cid=389
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                                         MORE TOONS
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
they met online
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f092.html
 
doctor's orders
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f094.html
 
poor fella
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f097.html
 
pharmacy customer service
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f098.html
 
EEOC
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f081.html
 
Double Asscrack
http://www.buffaloschips..com/adfrll.htm
 
I came first
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41033.htm
 
Fuckin' A
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41034.htm
 
Hammer
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41040.htm
 
Experience
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41029.htm
 
Airforce cutbacks
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000029.html
 
Airline Fart
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000030.html
 
Random Joke & cartoon
http://www.Able2Laugh.com
 
Stolen Toon of the Day
http://stolen-jokes..com/JPGS/display_pic.php
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                               FUN PLACES TO CHECK OUT
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Sparkly Balls
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40105&s=n
 
Steve Martin performs magic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtbWMDRxLLY
 
Chalk Art
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart.html
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart2.html
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart3.html
 
Doggy Style Blog
http://www.maddogblog.com/
 
The Mob
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?i=40120&pid=3436&u=3463
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Worlds Largest Tattoo Collection.
 
We Have Asked The Guinness Book Of World Records
To Verify Our Massive Tattoo Collection
As The Worlds Largest Downloadable Tattoo Collection!
Over 30,000 Tattoos!
Bonus! Free Tribal Tattoo Design Software Included!
 
http://2be1b5iiuss9u20ogn482e8v54.hop.clickbank.net/
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                                            GAME TIME
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Fishdom Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39076&s=n
 
The Story of Dragons
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40233&s=n
 
Green Terror Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39667&s=n
 
Flalls
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40044&s=n
 
Turtix Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39078&s=n
 
6 full on games for the week end
http://www.jokeroo.com/games/index.html
 
Daily Games
Cryptogram, Wordcross, Crossword Jumble & Jigsaw Puzzle
http://able2laff.com/?p=2383
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                                    Some Other Lists to Enjoy
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
LAUGH YOUR GUTS OUT!
Here's a fine selection of the
HOTTEST raunchiest humor on the net today!
Jokes, toons, vids....EVERYTHING funny!
http://able2laff.com/EZ/a-var1.html
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
HOT - HOT - HOT
 
No matter WHAT your taste is...
Get your fill of Hot 'n Nasty!
http://able2laff.com/EZ/a-hot..html
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
To Join No Holds Barred
NoHoldsBarred-subscribe@Topica.com
 
To Unsubscribe
NoHoldsBarred-unsubscribe@Topica.com
 
Here's all my fun sites and groups....
http://able2laugh.com/maillists.html
 
Here is a WIDE variety of fun maillists for you
http://able2laff.com/EZ/
 
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JE - Marriage, Britney Style

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Monday 1st June, 2009 70,000 subscribers
_________________________________________________________
Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of the month, must be lucky!
I'm back from my three week jaunt to Australia, had a fab time.

Trying to get back up to speed with work / life / home, and of course
the Apprentice and other such tv shows I can't live without.

I'll give the download of my trip over the next few weeks.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Marriage - the Britney Way
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/marriage_britney.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/marriage_britney.htm "> AOL </a>

Scary Museum Prank
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scary.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scary.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Top 10 Rejection Reasons...

...And What They Really Mean

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually
means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

+ Contact Information
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wanna leave? See the base of this email for info.
Advertising info: http://www.jokeemail.com/advertinfo.htm

This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X
© Copyright 2008 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.
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