Joke Compilations

Monday, 19 May 2008

No Holds Barred! 05-19-08

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Fun4U: Lost Wallet at the Auction

Friday, 16 May 2008

Fun4U: Extended Redneck Computer Terms

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Alt
Form of verb "be" like, "I alt be gone now."

Backspace
1. How much more you can fit in the truck.
2. The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.

Backup
What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bar Code
Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

Bit
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the
porch longways."

Browser
Bowser's name when you're drunk.

Buddy list
Names and phone numbers on the inside wall of the public outhouse above
the hole.

Bug
The reason you give for calling in sick

Byte
1. First word in a kiss-off phrase.
2. What black flies do.
3. What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache
Needed when you run out of food stamps

Chip
1. What you munch during Wildcat's games.
2. Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Computer Chips
What you have when your computer takes a dump, sorta like cow chips.

Crash
When you go to Junior's party uninvited

Ctrl
What you don't have when driving in the snow.

Cursor
What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Disc
What you do before you plow, to level the ground.

Digital
The art of counting on your fingers

Diskette
Female Disco dancer

Delete
The lighter object like, "Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy the delete one."

Digital Control
What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

Drive
Getting home during most of the winter in Kentucky.

Docking Station
Da same as PORT.

Dot Matrix
Eino Matrix's wife.

Download
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Enter
Come on in.

Escape
What you have to do from the wife to go drinkin' with the boys.

Edit
Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit
afore you passed out las nite.

Fax
What you lie about to the IRS.

Floppy
When you run out of Polygrip.

Floppy Disk
What you get from piling too much wood.

Fonts
That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Gig
Frogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or
fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for
spearing frogs.

Hacker
Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy
Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

Hard drive
1. Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a
trailer load of fertilizer.
2. getting home during most of da vinter

Infrared
Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.

Ins
To Enter, as in, "Ins ya go, outs you go".

Internet
1. Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
2. Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

ISDN
Acronym for comprehension as in "ISDN tat da fuse ought to be longer
nexted time".

Keyboard
1. Place to hang your truck keys.
2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.

LAN
To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

Laptop
1. Where da grandkids sit.
2. Where the stripper sits.
3. Where little kids feel comfy.

Log On
Making da wood stove hotter.

Log Off
Don't add wood.

Mac
Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Mainframe
1. Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof.
2. The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Megahertz
1. When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.
2. When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
3. How your head feels after 17 beers.

Microchip
What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.

Modem
1. How you got rid of your dandelions.
2. What you did to da hay fields last July.
3. What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Monitor
1. Keep an eye on da wood stove.
2. What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin.

Mouse
1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a
free case.
2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.
3. What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Mouse Pad
Where Mickey and Minnie live.

My Briefcase
What you put all your ol' stuff in when "she" gets mad at you.

Network
1. Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
2. Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Num Lock
What you have to take off a pistol to shoot it.

Online
Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Ram (Random Access Memory)
1. Dodge pick up truck.
2. Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work.
3. Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when
Wifee asks about it.

Rom
1. Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
2. Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"
3. Where the pope lives.

Reboot
What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Refresh
Mix another Jack Daniels and 7.

Packet
What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Port
1. Where da commercial fishin boats dock.
2. Fancy wine.

Prompt
What you wish da mail was during the snow season.

Serial Port
A red wine you drink with breakfast

Scanner
1. What you do to a good lookin' woman.
2. What you listen to the police band on.

SCSI
What you call your week-old underwear.

Screen
1. What is a must during black fly season.
2. What you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season.
3. Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Shift
1. What you must do when blue lights come on.
2. What you do to get that truck to go.

Software
Them plastic picnic utensils, eh?.

Space bar
Where aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.

Superconductor
Amtrak's Employee of the year

Tab
1. The amount of money you owe the bartender out of your next paycheck.
2. Ancient soft drink, used to mix low calorie drinks with white lightnin.

Terminal
Time to call the undertaker

Web
DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you
gotta go while in the woods.

Windows
1. What you shut when it gets below zero.
2. Place in the truck to hang your guns.

[huh, some hard work (copy'n'pasting) *g*, peter.bergt 2002]
[know any more: pls mail them to funworld(at) hehe.at, tnx]

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Fun4U: Joke enjoyed only by men

Thursday, 15 May 2008

JE - Wow, these are epic

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+ General Joke
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The check-out-chick rang up $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money
back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She
became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and
returned the money again. I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Latte. I
handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that
said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I
guess they're both free' She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out
the door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them
shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said, 'Where'?

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I
told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He
responded, 'Is that Eastern Standard time?' Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said,
'Uh, yes.'

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small takeaway
pizza. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.'

Yes, They Walk Among Us!

......... and they Reproduce, and Worst of all ............

THEY VOTE !!!!!

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Saturday, 10 May 2008

JE - How to get an A

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+ General Joke
Grand Theft Auto 4 came out this week.

Retail Stores are selling it for around 60 dollars.

Now, if you've learned anything from playing the previous Grand Theft
Auto releases, you would never pay that price.

You'd drive your car through the storefront window, steal a copy, and
run over the store manager on your way out.

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Joke Compilations

Monday, 19 May 2008

No Holds Barred! 05-19-08

Fun4U: Lost Wallet at the Auction

Fun4U: Little Johnny 220

Friday, 16 May 2008

Fun4U: Extended Redneck Computer Terms

Fun4U: Joke enjoyed only by men

Thursday, 15 May 2008

JE - Wow, these are epic

Saturday, 10 May 2008

JE - How to get an A

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