Joke Compilations

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Fun4U: Chocolate

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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
    too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
    count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
    car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
    your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
    in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
    you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
    fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
    chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
    balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because
    no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
    entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
    way, at least you'll get one thing done.

I may be a chocoholic, but at least I follow the rules...

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Fun4U: Religious Tech Support

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Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?

Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been
    a priest.

God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services©?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
    Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted
    your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of...

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
    Simple Lies ©*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there
    is that Guy Peter at Fun4U Humor List! Have your Ears downloaded
    anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was
    asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires
    of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
    you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let
    you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell.
    Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible? and
    recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
    passages about Judas.ini ©. You can also find some help in the Psalms
    100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with
    a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
    Lotus Devout?, Microsoft Seminary Plus?, and Netscape Hereafter Browser?.
    If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting
    sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot,
    I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace? my son.

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish?...

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Friday, 12 June 2009

Fun4U: Not In The Book

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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.

St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
    written in it.

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
    and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was
    not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name
    probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the
    update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that
    you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time
    when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members
    harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
    were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got
    out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
    leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a
    studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
    As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me
    and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the
    head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of
    them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK,
    deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

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Fun4U: We are Lost

Friday, 5 June 2009

JE - Guitar Hero

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Thursday 4th June, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Weekend only just around the corner. I'm off to a stag weekend for
one of my very good friends who's putting pen to paper in late July.

He's maturer than I am, thats for sure!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Guitar Hero
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/guitar_hero.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/guitar_hero.htm "> AOL </a>

Dog Peeing Earns $100,000
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dogs.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

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Tuesday, 2 June 2009

[No Holds Barred] for MAY 29 2009

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Grandmas birth control pills!

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks.   And,
believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

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The coffee break, even for those who realize that caffeine may not be
good for them, still beats staying at the desk and working.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

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A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's
sitting by herself...

Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell up?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread apart."

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What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Us drunks don't have to attend all those meetings. --- Johnny Bond

Q. What three words can ruin a man's ego.
A. "Is it in?"

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Attention frustrated cat owners…

A Quick and Easy, Step-By-Step Guide
That Reveals The Secrets To A Well-Behaved Cat
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FROM THE BOWELS OF AN AA MEETING

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Florida Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead
with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile
away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house
just a block away.

The police tell the man to stay put as they will be right back. They
hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he
gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police
car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

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When you open a bag of cotton balls...
is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Would it be considered sexual harrassment if a midget walked by you
and told you your hair smelled good ???

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                                             TOONS
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Gymnastic basketball
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=sports0034.jpg

Stone cold pussy
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Stone-cold-pussy.jpg

Suck more
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=suck-more.jpg

Surprise!
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Surprise.jpg

Explicit
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=tshirt-010.jpg

Wrong way to eat squash [naughty alert]
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=Veggiesx011.jpg

Wild burros
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=Wild-burros

Horse racing
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=asports-Horse_Race

Hey You...
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=sign012.jpg

Big Splash
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=SPLASH!

Tightrope
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=sports0013

Landscaping
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=terraforming.jpg

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SALES & CLOSEOUTS

5 pages full of great deals on sexy fun items
http://www.sextoyfun.com/category.php?a=freehole&cid=389

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                                         MORE TOONS
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they met online
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f092.html

doctor's orders
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f094.html

poor fella
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f097.html

pharmacy customer service
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f098.html

EEOC
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f081.html

Double Asscrack
http://www.buffaloschips..com/adfrll.htm

I came first
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41033.htm

Fuckin' A
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41034.htm

Hammer
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41040.htm

Experience
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41029.htm

Airforce cutbacks
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000029.html

Airline Fart
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000030.html

Random Joke & cartoon
http://www.Able2Laugh.com

Stolen Toon of the Day
http://stolen-jokes..com/JPGS/display_pic.php

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                               FUN PLACES TO CHECK OUT
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sparkly Balls
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40105&s=n

Steve Martin performs magic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtbWMDRxLLY

Chalk Art
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart.html
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart2.html
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart3.html

Doggy Style Blog
http://www.maddogblog.com/

The Mob
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?i=40120&pid=3436&u=3463

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Worlds Largest Tattoo Collection.

We Have Asked The Guinness Book Of World Records
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Bonus! Free Tribal Tattoo Design Software Included!

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
                                            GAME TIME
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fishdom Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39076&s=n

The Story of Dragons
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40233&s=n

Green Terror Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39667&s=n

Flalls
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=40044&s=n

Turtix Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=39078&s=n

6 full on games for the week end
http://www.jokeroo.com/games/index.html

Daily Games
Cryptogram, Wordcross, Crossword Jumble & Jigsaw Puzzle
http://able2laff.com/?p=2383

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                                    Some Other Lists to Enjoy
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

LAUGH YOUR GUTS OUT!
Here's a fine selection of the
HOTTEST raunchiest humor on the net today!
Jokes, toons, vids....EVERYTHING funny!
http://able2laff.com/EZ/a-var1.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOT - HOT - HOT

No matter WHAT your taste is...
Get your fill of Hot 'n Nasty!
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To Join No Holds Barred
NoHoldsBarred-subscribe@Topica.com

To Unsubscribe
NoHoldsBarred-unsubscribe@Topica.com

Here's all my fun sites and groups....
http://able2laugh.com/maillists.html

Here is a WIDE variety of fun maillists for you
http://able2laff.com/EZ/

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JE - Marriage, Britney Style

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 1st June, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of the month, must be lucky!
I'm back from my three week jaunt to Australia, had a fab time.

Trying to get back up to speed with work / life / home, and of course
the Apprentice and other such tv shows I can't live without.

I'll give the download of my trip over the next few weeks.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Marriage - the Britney Way
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/marriage_britney.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/marriage_britney.htm "> AOL </a>

Scary Museum Prank
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scary.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/scary.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
Top 10 Rejection Reasons...

...And What They Really Mean

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually
means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)