[No Holds Barred] for Jan 12 2009

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Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!

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Toons

Burnout     
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001Burnout.jpg

Cookie sales            
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001cookie-sales.jpg

Open Holidays             
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002signs0002.jpg

REAL phone sex  (naughty alert)                  
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002phonesex3.jpg

Dessert time               
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001Dessert017.jpg

Dog exercise                 
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001dog-exercise.jpg

UFO AHEAD               
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001dsign101.jpg

Queer Aid (Engrish blooper)                
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002Snacksx002.jpg

Shirt advertising                    
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002tshirt-001.jpg

Food sculpture          
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001food-sculptures002.jpg

Welcome to A O HELL           
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002Welcome_2_Hell.jpg

We need a room for this?         
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001grammar-crisis-room.jpg

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Toons

Unknown models             
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002Unknown-Models.jpg

Good Advice        
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001History-advice.jpg

Still life                   
http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=001EatMoreVeggies007.jpg

Little Likker  (naughty alert)
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=003A_little_likker.jpg

On the Brain        
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=003Brain2.gif

Sunglow
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a056.html
 
Sorry sir
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a057.html
 
A lot cheaper
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a058.html

Extra
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a059.html
 
Don't forget....
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a061.html

Random Joke & Cartoon
http://www.Able2Laugh.com

Stolen Toon of the Day
http://stolen-jokes.com/JPGS/display_pic.php

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Extras...

Sex And The Single Panda
http://www.maddogproductions.com/ds_pandasex.htm

Thank God I'm a Country Boy!
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies2879.html

Daily Games
Cryptogram, Wordcross, Crossword Jumble & Jigsaw Puzzle
(bookmark this page....all puzzles change daily)
http://able2laff.com/?p=2383

Bill Engvall - Deer Hunting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUgW6OiagGs

Nervous Fat kid
http://www.banthis.com/videos/789/Nervous-Fat-Kid.html

Hypnotically weird.  I watched for at least 10 minutes!
(you can move her with the mouse if she gets stuck)
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/tetka.html

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A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar.  He is talking to a
pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a
hooker.  

"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.  

"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a
lifetime!"  

"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."
 
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Why Some Men Have Dogs and not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
   across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
   day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
   get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give
    them way.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling
    you a  pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.  They
    just think  it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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    There once was a man named Screwy Dick,
    A man who was born with a spiral pr1ck.
    His life was spent in one long hunt
    to find the girl with the spiral c#nt.
    When he found her he dropped dead,
    'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!!

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World's First Digital Drug

You'll love the RUSH with a "digital drug"
Simply slip on the headphones and relax
For effects lasting hours afterward
http://tinyurl.com/5mpoqg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutional istically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell?  No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
   coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee in this parking
   lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Don't let it end like this.  Tell them I said something.
-- last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

SALEM, OREGON -- Officials in Marion County are considering a
proposal to recycle bread, dairy products and meat. As though school
lunches weren't bad enough already.   -- Bob Mills

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in Australian
Outback "fertility waters" somehow contributed to her unexpected
pregnancy.  And all during her marriage to Tom Cruise, we thought
TOM was the screwball.  -- Bob Mills

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JE - Bush's Leaving Gift

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 12th January, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Hey folks, sorry for the delay!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Bush's Leaving Present
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bush_leaving.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/bush_leaving.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,'
the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried
the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry.'

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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[No Holds Barred] for Jan 9 2009

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[No Holds Barred] for Jan 7 2009

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JE - Who Needs Al Gore?

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Wednesday 7th January, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I tango'ed and boogied last night, and stomped all over the poor
girl's feet. I tell you what, it's harder than it looks on Strictly
Come Dancing!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Who Needs Al Gore?
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/who_needs_al.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/who_needs_al.htm "> AOL </a>

Arkansas Wedding Law
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wedding.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/wedding.htm "> AOL </a>

A Horse Gets Shoed
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/horse.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/horse.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
My husband and I used to have a lovely setter named Paddy who was very
well loved by our two children.

Sadly, one day, Paddy was hit and killed by a neighbor's car while
chasing a squirrel. That evening, when the children returned home from
school, I called them in to explain the tragedy. Quite surprisingly,
they accepted the grim news with little comment and returned to the
yard to play.

After fifteen minutes or so, they found me in the kitchen and asked
where Paddy was. Thinking they were in some form of denial, I gently
started to describe again what had happened to their beloved pet.

The younger boy burst into tears and sobbed, "Paddy? I thought you
said Daddy."

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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MyJokeMail.com / Newsletter

MyJokeMail Newsletter What's New?

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Latest Pictures

 Stop Whining!!!
 Frederick's of Alabama
 Message from Dr. Phil
 How to tell is somone is an amateur photographer

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Newsletter

News from MyJokeMail.com

Stranded (by ron unsworth)

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water,
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler
sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"


"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant.
Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."


The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill.


Couldn't you find it?" "I found it all right.
They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

JE - New Year Resolution

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tuesday 6th January, 2009 70,000 subscribers
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Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
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Well a belated HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've been tres busy over the last few weeks, but thankfully my final
'event' of the season occurs over the next few days with the girl
friend's Birthday, leaving me free to enjoy the rest of January!

However, I have a confession to make: I'm off to my very first
tango lesson tonight with the lady. As my flatmate rightly points out,
I am a litle bit whipped!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
Nicole Ritchie's New Year Resolution
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/new_year.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/new_year.htm "> AOL </a>

The Camel Had It Coming
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/camel.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/camel.htm "> AOL </a>

Here Today, Gun Tomorrow
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/gun.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/gun.htm "> AOL </a>

+ General Joke
2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further
ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the
window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope's; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of
animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground
where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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