Tuesday, 6 January 2009

[No Holds Barred] for Jan 5 2009


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      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

       Welcome to all the new subscribers!
Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!

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Hiya, Laughers!

Yesterday I was the official target of some Jihad junkie hackers...
which turned my website into a political bashing for all those not
praising Allah.  WHATEVER!  Sorry if it freaked some folks out.
It's fixed now.

Enjoy today's offerings!
Papa Thorn
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Toons

Misleading ad
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002ad-airline.gif

 Tampix               
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Alien Men's Room                
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Drink Up  (naughty alert)              
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002DrinkUpx002.jpg

Nipple Twist
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=37965&s=n

Alien Gets Sniffed
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=37968&s=n

Massive Wedgie
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=37966&s=n

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOONS

Chinese Menu               
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002CHINESE-Menu.jpg

Pudding Dessert                 
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Carrot lovin'              
http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=002EatMoreVeggiesx002.jpg

What the experts say
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/y032.html
 
The hunters bar
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/y034.html

Darwin
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/w023.html

That's mine
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/y031.html

Random Joke & Cartoon
http://www.Able2Laugh.com
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Extras...

Easy Meal in Africa
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38552&s=n

Old Joke Keeps Getting Funnier
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=36914&s=n

Microsoft Merger With McDonalds & Christianity
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=37786&s=n

Driving Skills
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38549&s=n

Sudoku Sunrise - GAME
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=36357&s=n

Lobster Thief Gets Pinched
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38337&s=n

By The Balls
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38371&s=n

Freestyle With Footballs
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38551&s=n

Backwards It Gets Robber Bank
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38380&s=n

Kentucky Fried Challenger
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3467&pid=38543&s=n

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was going down an elevator with three or four women, all of whom
were strangers to me.

At the first floor, I automatically stepped to one side to let them
all off. 

As the last one preceded me, she turned and said, "When Women's Lib
takes over, you'll get off first."

"Listen, lady," I said, smiling, "I'm a Woman's Lib-er myself.  I
want all women to be free."

"You do?" she said, rather astonished.

"Yes," I said. "I hate it when they charge."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trip to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house
mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room,
or whatever.  You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You
have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit - shorts with
the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what,
and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself
in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because
you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing
in the checkout lane.  You went to school with the pretty girl
running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change
shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash
your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror. 
Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the
smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to
someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to
cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different
shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne
is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to
Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than
flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your
daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt
in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The
cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is
from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog
poop off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in
your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in you pants.  The girl running the register may be cute,
but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have
your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog poop on
your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because
you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you
remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for.  Fart out
loud and you think someone called out your name.  You went to
school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the World is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got a new job and need to re-locate?
Tired of the noisy neighbors?
Need to go on the lam?
Broke & want to Avoid Foreclosure?
Want out before the home market hits rock bottom?

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOUBLE DOSE

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming
into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my
wife is coming home on Sunday.  Can't you see? I must have a double
dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see
if there were any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
whole box to start a campfire?

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

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Some Other Lists to Enjoy
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~ COME CLOWN AROUND WITH US ~
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You will not be assaulted with graphic nudity, or porn.

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Irish jokes (by ron unsworth)

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! []

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! []

U.P.S. Man (by Ben)
 
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."
"Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.
"Your name came up seven times..."


Marriage.......... (by Ben)
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said , 'I found the remote'.

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Monday, 5 January 2009

Fun4U: Medical Payments

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A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called
    the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could
    do to relieve her "suffering."
 
 "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband,
    but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments
    of $650 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
 
 "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
 
 "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
 
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Fun4U: Cruel One Liners

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You look like a million - every day of it.
 
 One more wrinkle and you could pass for a prune.
 
 The last time I saw someone like you I had to pay admission.
 
 The day you were born you cried like a baby, so did your parents.
 
 If anyone said hello to you you would be stuck for an answer.
 
 I wouldn't say you were a perfect idiot, no one is perfect.
 
 A thought struck you once: you were in the hospital for a month.
 
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Saturday, 3 January 2009

MyJokeMail.com / Newsletter

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God of Thunder (by ron unsworth)

The Scandinavian God of Thunder was out walking one evening, when, looking up at a turret window, he spied a beautiful young blonde undressing in her bedroom.
Feeling a stirring in his loins, he scaled the outside wall and climbed in the window. There she lay on the bed, naked and pouting. He tore his clothes off and made passionate love to the maiden all night.
In the morning she felt him get off the bed, and opened her eyes to see his strong perfect frame, lit by a shaft of sunlight from the window. He stretched to his full height and thumped his chest triumphantly!

"I'm THOR!!" he bellowed.
She looked at him. "Tho am I", she said, "But it wath thooper!"

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Friday, 2 January 2009

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Dwarf (by ron unsworth)

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "Especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

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[No Holds Barred] JAN 1 2008

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