Fun4U: Late again

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Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in
a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked
sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still
damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter,
landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback
by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman
can get ready in ten minutes!"

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No Holds Barred! 04-04-08

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Signs Your DotCom Is On The Skids


1. The company CEO has moved from the corner office to the ledge
outside the corner office.
2. The manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge
haven't been free and hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill.
3. The company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a
little astrological advice over the phone while they work.
4. The head of R&D is spending more and more time in the park across
street with a metal detector he refers to as his "search engine."
5. There's now 10-year-old Indonesian boys on either side of you
assembling Nike running shoes.
6. Management is now using copies of the company prospectus exclusively
for rolling papers.
7. Next time you see the company's founder, he is wearing a paper hat
and telling you which one is the Diet Coke.
8. The human resources manager informs you that (though it wasn't
spelled out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was
indeed implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a
little "converging," if you know what he means.
9. You arrive at work to find that all the computers have been replaced
with Etch-a-Sketches.
10. Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he's
able to retire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles
into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the
receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the
examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his
penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies
the drunk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two little southern ladies, BobbySue and Marybelle, are
sitting in rockers on the porch.

BobbySue to Marybelle: "Marybelle in New York they have men
that kiss other men."

Marybelle gasps "They do?"

BobbySue says "Yes! They call them gays."

They rock a bit more and BobbySue says"Marybelle, in
New York they have women that kiss other women."

Marybelle gasps again "They do?'

BobbySue says"Yes! They call them lesbians"

They rock a little more and BobbySue says "Marybelle, in
New York they have men that kiss women's private parts!"

Marybelle gasps "They do? And WHAT do they call them?"

BobbySue says "I don't know, but when he was done I called
him PRECIOUS!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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No Holds Barred! 04-03-08

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

JE - Mugabe Makes Statement

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Wednesday 2nd April, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving
this email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site.

+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Afternoon folks.
Hope all is well in your world. I'm just chilling out with a nice cuppa tea
watching the world go by outside my window. The simple things in life are
sometimes the best eh.

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
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Your Own Catamaran
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Four Old Ladies

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+ General Joke
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of
a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it
all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says
to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand,
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the
cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know
that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in
the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display
like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and
they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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No Holds Barred! 04-02-08

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that
he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day
he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on
some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally
mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the
maternity unit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors
awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke
up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in
antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted
the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And
he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

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===========================================================


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No Holds Barred! 04-01-08

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism
went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed,
the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I
came here in the first place."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become
pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she
consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would
probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her
mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about
that!, , , I'm dating Susan!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of
reality.
* When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

* When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

* When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.

* When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

* When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.

* When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.

* When you are sick...Stay away from me until you're well again, I
don't want whatever you have.

* When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge till the end. Why may you ask?
Because you're my friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


For MORE Great Entertainment Visit:
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JE - April Fool

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Monday 31st March, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
April Fools tomorrow folks. Be warned!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email

+ New Funny Pics:
April Fool!
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Across the Paper Lands
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+ General Joke
The tools of office sabotage are many my friend, the pranks are almost as
plentiful as the victims. If your resourceful you won't even need this
little guide, but as for the rest of us. Let us delve down into the murky
depths of jokes, pranks, and things left unsaid.

April Fools Prank – 1: Do your co-workers lock their office supplies up,
they will next year if you're still around. Lets start with their pens. Take
apart all the pens in your office and pull the ink tubes out of them. Re-
assemble and replace, they won't get more than one or two letters written
before they run dry, again and again…

April Fools Prank – 2: "Still working on their pens." Using a small pin or
even your stapler, open up all the pens and puncture the ink tubes in two
places one up high and one down low. Re-assemble and stay clear, these
little time bombs will ooz and leak at any given time.

April Fools Prank – 3: "Hi-life." Get out your roll of clear tape and very
carefully wrap one piece of tape around the cap of each marker or
highlighter. Your co-workers will struggle just to get those caps off. I
even had some who just plain gave up.

April Fools Prank – 4: "Sideways Tele-marketing." Do you have a co-worker
that is a real motor-mouth? Jump onto any website that offers to call you or
place a call for you, such as best-buy's website, type in your co-workers
extension and viola, they are being called by the store.

April Fools Prank – 5: "Ergo-nightmaricle." Make a few un-necessary
adjustments to some office chairs. Loosen arms, bind up wheels, remove a
wheel, tweak the hight, tilt, support adjustments.

April Fools Prank - 6: "Mrs. File." File work order requests for engineering
and the IT department for some of your co-workers. Sighting strange and or
embarrassing requests for service.

April Fools Prank – 7: "Coffee addict?" Here is a fun one to drag out over a
good week or so. For 4 days switch the coffee to decaf, or if you have too
many people that pay too close attention to the details? (where they are, I
don't know) but, if you do. Start by slowly changing the grounds mixture to
½ & ½ and then up it to 100% decaf, after a good 4 or 8 days worth of
drinking that, switch back to full regular and watch them go!

April Fools Prank – 8: "I strain." Open up the control menu on the computer
monitors in your office and tweak them so they look slightly blurry, or dim,
generally hard to read.

April Fools Prank – 9: "In-security." Is access to your co-workers computers
easy to get? Great. Find a rude, inappropriate joke and send it from your
coworkers computers to the boss.

April Fools Prank – 10: "If the shoe fits – frame it." Last trick is the
hardest. Find yourself a patsy and frame them for all the other pranks.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm

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