Saturday, 5 January 2008

JE - Britney Hits the Bottle

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Friday 4th January, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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The weekend has landed!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


+ New Funny Pics:
Brit Hits the Bottle
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/brit_bottle.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/brit_bottle.htm "> AOL </a>

Dress Up Britney Spears
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dress_brit.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/dress_brit.htm "> AOL </a>

Attack Of The Fever Heads
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fever.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fever.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale
this week for only $20 ..00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."


For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm


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Friday, 4 January 2008

No Holds Barred! 01-04-08



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  No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.


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Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!


Summer Wear
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1301.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1301.html">Here!</a>

I think he's getting a tickect
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1302.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1302.html">Here!</a>

Pothead?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1303.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1303.html">Here!</a>

Complete Entertainment Center!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1304.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1304.html">Here!</a>

Home Alone
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1305.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1305.html">Here!</a>

Computer Dating Agency
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/037.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/037.htm"> Here </a>

Buy a vowel
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1306.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1306.html">Here!</a>

Petting zoo
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1307.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1307.html">Here!</a>

Miami Vice
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1308.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1308.html">Here!</a>

He's got my eyes....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1309.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1309.html">Here!</a>

Surprise!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1310.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1310.html">Here!</a>

Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny917.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny918.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny919.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are in DEEP TROUBLE when...

The stewardess on your American Airlines flight tells you
NOT to fasten your seatbelt.

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2,
and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing
a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are in DEEP TROUBLE when...

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you
ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of
the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid
to tell your wife.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house
and never comes out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you think Hillary will win the 2008 presidential election?
Answer now for your chance to get a $500 Visa™ Gift Card—
and make sure your voice is heard!

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Hillary.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Hillary.html">Here</a>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

---  Businesses That Failed  ---

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract
retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the
hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to
its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and
thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "25,000
mile tune-ups".

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a
long-term customer base.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all
your favorite fragrances.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY
A Kosher meat market in Brooklyn.

T.G.I.T.A.
( Thank God It's Tuesday Afternoon) A sour dough
garlic coated family size pizza specialty on Tuesday
afternoons.

BARBIE BUST ENHANCEMENT FRANCHISE
The first two locations went bust.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you lost your camera... how would someone know it's yours and
return it?"

ImHONEST.com offers a practical solution for owners of valuables
items and the people who find lost items. Our personalized
ID labels make it convenient and rewarding for people to return
your lost valuables to you. The labels are stylish, durable, and
use a coded ID system that protects both the owner's and
finder's identities.

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Honest.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Honest.html">Here</a>


More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


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Thursday, 3 January 2008

No Holds Barred! 01-03-08

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

JE - Drugs, Bad.

Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL!
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Wednesday 2nd January, 2008 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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So, back to work. Awesome. Love it.

Anyone up for ditching the day job and going backpacking. See you at the
airport!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


+ New Funny Pics:
Why Drugs Are Bad..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/drugs_bad.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/drugs_bad.htm "> AOL </a>

When You Need A New Car

http://www.jokeemail.com/more/new_car.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/new_car.htm "> AOL </a>

Ring in the New Year
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/ring_year.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/ring_year.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a
message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment.
'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps
you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'


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Wednesday, 2 January 2008

No Holds Barred! 01-02-08



===========================================================

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  No Holds Barred! and is put there by Topica.


      \\\\\\\\\\ No Holds Barred! //////////

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Anything goes on this list so no one under 18 is welcome!



Wall Street!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1892.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1892.html">Here!</a>

Wank me off.....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1893.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1893.html">Here!</a>

Only one way!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1894.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1894.html">Here!</a>

Meaningful overnight....wanted!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1895.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1895.html">Here!</a>

Leave Him Alone
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/031.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/031.htm"> Here </a>

Hooters Calender
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1021.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1021.html">Here!</a>
 
Not Bothered
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1022.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1012.html">Here!</a>
 
Wrong language
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1023.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1023.html">Here!</a>
 
P M S Special
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1024.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1024.html">Here!</a>
 
Gone but not forgotten
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1025.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1025.html">Here!</a>

Bad Vet
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/343.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/343.html">Here</a>
 
I Can Believe That
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/344.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/344.html">Here</a>
 
Need Woman
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/345.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/345.html">Here</a>

Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny911.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny912.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny913.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a
businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any
pictures of your wife naked?"

"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.

The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle.  He thought and
thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the
Cardinal next to him,

"What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means
'woman'?"

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even
bother to look up.  "Aunt, your Holiness."

The Pope didn't speak for a second.  "Oh."  He paused.
"Do you have an eraser?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you think Hillary will win the 2008 presidential election?
Answer now for your chance to get a $500 Visa™ Gift Card—
and make sure your voice is heard!

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Hillary.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Hillary.html">Here</a>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie,
but you have to buy whole bag to get one?

Right! Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you
have to buy the whole box of a dozen!

And the hotel charges for the whole night when
you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

$5,000 Cash Sweepstakes! Enter our $5,000 Sweepstakes now.
You can win! No purchase necessary. GoldSweeps.com

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Cash2U.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/Cash2U.html">Here</a>


More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred" !!

Everything below this line is put in by Topica and
      is NOT a sponsor of "No Holds Barred" !!

===========================================================


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Tuesday, 1 January 2008

JE - Happy New Year

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Monday 31st December, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And so 2007 comes to an end, and we rock into 2008!
Happy new year to all. I hope the next 365 days are full of fun, joy, and
promise. I certainly hope my luck will change in 2008, it hasn't been the
best of years in some respects, but then again.. it has in others!

Have a beer for me!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


+ New Funny Pics:
Happy New Year!
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/happynewyear.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/happynewyear.htm "> AOL </a>

Happy New Year Fart Balloon
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fartballoon.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fartballoon.htm "> AOL </a>

New Year Party Animals
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/partyanimals.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/partyanimals.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty
years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back
ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life
you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?' And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man
said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'


'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first
twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten
years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been
explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information. I'm doing it as a public service.

For more jokes, stroll on over to:
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This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X
© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, 29 December 2007

JE - Santa Lets His Hair Down

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Friday 28th December, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Merry Christmas all!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email


+ New Funny Pics:
Santa Lets His Hair Down..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/santa_parties.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/santa_parties.htm "> AOL </a>

Full Time Killer
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fulltime_killer.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/fulltime_killer.htm "> AOL </a>

Goosehead Racing
http://www.jokeemail.com/more/goosehead.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/more/goosehead.htm "> AOL </a>


+ General Joke
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young
man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.


The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."


The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.


"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"


"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So
the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left
foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."


The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it,"
he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter
between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and
the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his
life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."


For more jokes, stroll on over to:
http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm


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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.