Joke Compilations

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

No Holds Barred! 04-02-07

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JE - When You Make a Mistake..

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Monday 2nd April, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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Alright guys. Spent the weekend doing the DIY and shopping for curtains.
What's become of me?
However, don't dispair.. my bets came in so the 'Nepal Fund' is $300 to
the good! Rock and roll!!

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

+ New Funny Pics:
If You Make a Mistake..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/if.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/if.htm "> AOL </a>

Crazy Trampoline Hang
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=489&pid=29952&s=n
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Vader vs. Japanese Police
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=489&pid=29955&s=n
<a href=" http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=489&pid=29955&s=n "> AOL </a>

+ General Jokes
What PMS Really Stands For:

13. Psychotic Mood Shift

12. Pack My Stuff

11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

10. Perpetual Munching Spree

9. Puffy Mid-Section

8. People Make me Sick

7. Provide Me with Sweets

6. Pardon My Sobbing

5. Pimples May Surface

4. Pass My Sweatpants

3. Pissy Mood Syndrome

2. Plainly Men Suck

And The Number One Thing PMS Stands for is:

1. Pass My Shotgun

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© Copyright 2007 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, 2 April 2007

Fun4U: April Fool!

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Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
   porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
   the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed
   away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
   and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old
   legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And
   that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

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Fun4U: April Fools Day

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NEW YORK (AP) -- Century Communications announced today plans for an
   exciting new 900 service, with profits to go to help defray the
   cost of installing and maintaining enhanced 911 service across the
   country. Called "The 911 Chatline," it allows callers to choose an
   area of the country and to listen to 911 emergency calls from it.

When asked what prompted this unusual foray into the 900 business,
   Century spokeswoman Fawn Lebowitz said, "In recent years we've seen
   a dramatic increase in the popularity of reality-based television
   shows. The 911 Chatline allows callers to experience real-life drama
   while it is going on, all from the comfort of their own home."

While listening to the emergency calls going through, callers to the
   Chatline have a number of options. They can listen to just the 911 calls
   for the area they select, switch their call to a different area, or,
   probably the most interesting option, connect their call to the 911
   Chatline to discuss the details of the emergencies with each other as
   they happen and before the police have even arrived!

Thanks to new voice recognition software from AT&T, callers do not even
   need a touch tone telephone in order to use the service. They can
   choose which 911 center to listen to simply by saying the area code
   and city that they are interested in listening to calls from. Calls
   are directed to the 911 center nearest this location.

As 911 centers sign up to receive their share of the profits, they are
   connected to the Chatline network. Century says it has already wired
   up over 50 centers and that it has coverage in most major metropolitan
   areas. They plan to have the whole nation wired by April 2007.

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Fun4U: Potty!

Fun4U: Financial Difficulties

Saturday, 31 March 2007

JE - The Cure for a Very Bad Week..

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Friday 30th March, 2007 70,000 subscribers
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+ The Starter
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The weekend has landed! Nearly..

My bestmate in Scotland, who just happens to be my flatmate, departs down
to a new job and life in London tomorrow morning. There'll be a tear in my
eye as he stumbles out of the flat and attempts to make his 10.30 am bus
down to Yorkshire.. there's no chance of him making that by the way,
especially after his leaving party. It's gonna be big baby!
So, no more PS2 tournaments til the early hours; payday poker nights; or
waking up an occasional Saturday morning to find a random attractive young
lady cooking him bacon.
Yes, I think I've finally grown up, and this just confirms it. Just one
last weekend... ;-)

Have a good one

Tom Evans
Editor - Joke Email
webmaster@jokeemail.com

+ New Funny Pics:
The Cure for a Very Bad Week..
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/cure.htm
<a href=" http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/cure.htm "> AOL </a>

Squirrel Golf
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=489&pid=31010&s=n
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Drunk Driver Championship
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=489&pid=31003&s=n
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+ Dirty Jokes
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance,
she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a
small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that,
unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would
be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been
carefully trained ... to perform 0r0l s8x upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.

She prodded the frog.

Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body.

Nothing.

She ordered it to perform.

No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing
a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.

The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked, petulantly.

"Yes, I do," said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said,
"Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."